Standing up for yourself- belief contradiction

[roverred]

So I have been teaching myself to value myself more. To listen to my own needs and put them first and act according to my values. I won't do something simply society wants me to.
But when somebody badmouths me, I don't really care because I know it is usually their own problem and my self worth is based on me and my self opinion. I feel I should be care though and stand up for myself but a lot of it would be because so other's wont' view me as a wuss.

So the problem is if I defend myself, to me, it feels like I would be acknowledging their negative opinion. So If i care, it would in a way say that my self worth is not based on me cause I need to prove my self worth. Plus I don't want people to see me a wuss so I'd being doing it for other's values rather than mine. So my beliefs feel contradicted here.

I may be going to extreme with "my self worth is based on me" beliefs, as I can't completely be unaffected by other people. But what kind of thought work around would you have for this?

[honeybun]

I completely understand where you're coming from on this one. My attitude is taking the direction of standing up for myself at any opportunity.
I'm gradually breaking down the feeling of everyone being out to get me, but any opportunity I have to stand up for myself no matter how big or small the issue, I'm gonna take it. It's a great feeling to speak my mind and doesnt neccessarily mean I'm taking what people say too seriously

[locsaf]

I think you don't necessarily have to be hostile or insulting to defend yourself. Best case scenario, you could tell people "I'm sorry you think that, but it's not true", or "Don't do that to me, I don't like it and here's why : . . . ",or confront the person with the reason you think they are doing something to you that you don't like.
But I like silence too, it can be a way of just saying that you don't care what people think. But maybe the thing about that is you can sometimes try to convince yourself that you aren't bothered when you really are and keep silent.

Oh, and maybe another alternative is that you can ask people why they do things, when they do them like that. And genuinely ask for the purpose of knowing what they think about it, and not to insult. It might help change what they think too.

[leonardess]

This is a long quote from something an acquaintance told me recently. It's he and I "talking" via email, you may find some relevant comments here. I think they're important, and tied in to what you are talking about.

<But when I am in an anxiety provoking situation, it gets so hard to remember all that I've learned. It's like the anxiety is so strong, there's no room left for anything else, any other thought.>

That’s because, our old ways of feeling and reacting have become automatic through years of repetition. It’s why most therapies, including CBT, are only partially helpful. Correcting cognitions doesn’t necessarily change automatic feelings and habits. To do that we must employ the same tools that programmed our old feelings and behavior in the first place -time and repetition.

In the beginning, it was our feelings that formed our beliefs, not the other way around. When our feelings are at odds with our rational beliefs, our feelings will always win. This is a known flaw in CBT.

I didn’t change my automatic feelings by correcting logical errors in my thinking (cognitive therapy). I changed them by repeatedly tuning into the feelings I wanted to have, until they became automatic.

Example: You want to feel calm and relaxed in the face of insults, rudeness and disapproval.

Step 1. First you find a way to generate the feeling(s) you want to have (of the person you want to be).

Find a quiet place where you can be alone to practice. Try to experience what it feels like to be a person who doesn’t take insults, rudeness or other people’s opinions too seriously. Can you catch that feeling? Can you begin to see yourself this way? It may help to pretend you’re in a play, playing the part of a person who can take loads of insults and disapproval from others without giving it a second thought. What does that feel like? Imagine yourself remaining calm and unaffected while others heap insults upon you. What does it feel like to be that person? Take your time. Pace around the room if it helps. Think about people you know or have seen who do not allow other’s opinions to effect them. If they can do it so can you.

It may take you a few minutes or even a few hours to generate this feeling. Just keep trying until you get it. When you do, even if it only lasts a few seconds, you’ve broken through the barrier, you’ve made contact with the way you want to feel -with the new you! This will begin the reprogramming process. Even if this feeling-state only lasts a few seconds before “evaporating” it will have a certain reprogramming effect.

Now that you know what it feels like, and how to tune into it, begin practicing and spending time with your new feeling state, this new you. In a few months you’ll notice a change in the way you view yourself and in the way you react to life situations.

It takes work, and it takes time, but it’s the only way I’ve found to change my feelings and my identity. As a survivor of the Donner Party once remarked, “Don’t take no shortcuts.”

<Yes, self-acceptance is crucial if anything is going to change. So is self esteem and self image. These are things I've been thinking about quite a lot lately, why they are so hard to achieve.>

Because our present programming resists them. We have to reprogram our minds.

<Now, I'm not one to blame my parents for all my problems. I've been an adult now for far too long to do that. My choices are my own, and so are my faults, and all that. However, I also think it helps to know how all the pieces fit - the influences, the factors that have made me who I am. This is how I think self image, self esteem, and self acceptance are supposed to come about (I've written about this before) ->

Yes, that’s right! That’s the natural way it’s supposed to happen. Just like you learned to speak English as a child, effortlessly, naturally. But now you must learn to speak “Russian.” Russian doesn’t come naturally to you; because you didn’t learn it when you was a child. So you have to spend some time and energy to learn it now. It isn’t fair. Nevertheless, it’s the way it is.

<When we are born, we are to experience unconditional touch, acceptance and love. As we grow, we are supposed to look for these things outside of ourselves - we are not born with them. Our parents are there to give that to us. We do something - take our first step, walk across the room, our first birthday, blowing out the candles, bring home something we made at school, etc etc and our parents, and perhaps extended family, reflects that back to us in approval. we take all these moments of approval and as we grow further, we internalize all that acceptance and esteem. It becomes part of us, we carry it around everywhere, into every situation.

If this doesn't happen for us as it should, we continue to look for it outside of ourselves. It's instinct. I think this is where my problem lies, and knowing it makes it a little easier to think of myself, perhaps conversely, as someone who doesn't need everyone's approval. I am slowly believing this, bit by bit. But I have to remind myself constantly.>

You are absolutely right. We keep trying to get it from the outside. But there are some things to think about:

If our self-esteem can only come from others (significant others, parents, etc.) we are at their mercy. And we are the product of those who have loved us or refused to love us. Do we want to be products (?) or put ourselves in that dependent position? We were born human. That means we have an innate capacity to love, regardless of how others have treated us.

Some may only love because they were programmed to love as children. But those of us who love, and didn’t get much love as children, love because we’ve chosen to!

[theuprising]

If you truly love yourself you will have a comeback to everything naturally, I don't but I'm working on it.

I'm going to replace self with "lover"

You love your lover no matter what happens or what imperfections are there
If you love your lover you're going to stand up for him/her
If you love your lover you're going to comfort him/her

so no contradiction. If you value yourself your going to tell the person what they said was mean, and make them understand that you won't talk to them if the behavior continues. No one is completely infallible from outside influences, the point is to become mostly infallbile though

[roverred]

That's a pretty good analogy theuprising. Never thought of it that way. I would definitely stand up for people I care about. Thanks for the posts everyone.

[britisharrow]

You are not responsible for the actions and words of others, so forget trying to change the world, there will always be ignorant people out there who will say and do things you do not like.

What you CAN change is how you RESPOND to what people do and say to you, your feelings are your responsibility. Other than physically harming you, no one can make you feel bad.

Now that's a lot easier said than done, of course you feel bad when someone makes a rude or mocking statement to you or about your beliefs and principles. Everyone would. However if you have a good self-belief then you will be able to rationalise that and say well that person is just ignorant, I wouldn't want to be him.

In a lot of my posts I talk of changing belief systems into rational ones because social anxiety is irrational. But I do not mean to say it's easy to change those belief systems because I haven't done it myself yet. However I do believe it's possible.

Your self-worth is not in doubt, there are only six billion humans in a universe so big we can't even measure it. You are unique, there will never be and has never been anyone like you. Try writing down or typing all the compliments and good words you have had in your direction, and look at these for reassurance that you are a worthy person. When others try and make you doubt this, refer to this list in your head.

Try buying a good self-help book on acceptance, not all of those books are nonsense, there are some good ones out there.