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would you feel comfortable if your SO had friends of the opposite sex?

662 views 30 replies 23 participants last post by  shydirtbikeguy 
#1 ·
Apparently my fiance, who is in another country, has 3 male friends and one is supposedly her best friend. The other day she was telling me how one of these douchebags lost his girl and started hitting on her. I just dont feel comfortable with her having any guy friends. Of course, I'm not going to stop her, since it is her life. I just wish that she would understand my feelings about this and be a little more sensitive to it. My last relationship, I had to dump all my female friends because my girl at the time, did not feel comfortable with me having any friends of the female persuasion. I didn't blame her, because I know I feel the same way if the tables are turned.
 
#2 ·
No, I wouldn't feel uncomfortable with it. People can have friends of the opposite sex just as much as of the same sex.
 
#4 ·
Of course I'd feel comfortable? I don't have a problem with it. I trust my boyfriend, period.

I routinely go out for coffee/hang out at my guy friends' houses. He doesn't have a problem with it either.

Cynic, even if guys are hitting on your fiance left and right, she can still turn them down. You don't need to be completely isolated from the opposite sex in order to be faithful.
 
#5 ·
If you have a healthy relationship, you should not feel threatened by your significant other having friends of the opposite sex. If you can't trust your boyfriend/girlfriend, they why be in the relationship?

No one should have to give up their friends (opposite sex or otherwise) to be in a relationship. If a significant other requests that of you, he or she is a very insecure person... which would be a huge red flag to me. :sus
 
#8 ·
If you have a healthy relationship, you should not feel threatened by your significant other having friends of the opposite sex. If you can't trust your boyfriend/girlfriend, they why be in the relationship?

No one should have to give up their friends (opposite sex or otherwise) to be in a relationship. If a significant other requests that of you, he or she is a very insecure person... which would be a huge red flag to me. :sus
i agree entirely. i would definitely talk to her about how you feel, especially after he hit on her. but you have to trust her enough to have guy friends. it does suck that shes in another country because your not with her, which makes it a little bit harder but you still need to have that trust. just a guess, but chances are shes been friends with these guys longer than she's been with you and never slept with them so there really no reason to be uncomfortable. i might be uncomfortable if she just met them.. but it doesnt sound like thats the case. my gf has several really good guy friends but i trust her not to ever sleep with them or anything and it really doesnt make me uncomfortable.
 
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#16 ·
You might be surprised...

Maybe it sounds old-fashioned but I think it depends on her history and character. It takes a while to really get a feel for that. I guess one small comfort is that married people tend to cheat with other married people, not some random "friend who just lost his girl."

I'm not saying it's inherently bad, but it's something you need to keep an eye on. I hardly know any women at all, so if I had a girlfriend with lots of male friends I'm sure it would be a source of friction to me no matter what.
 
#11 ·
We need more info here, cynic.

1. How did her encounter with these guys end? Did she tell the guy to step off or not?

2. Have you and your fiance been in different countries for your entire relationship, or the bulk of it? If so, her douchebag friends may not recognize your significance to her, and may just act as though you don't exist.

3. Which so-called friend was hitting on her?

4. Has anything like this ever happened before?

Most gals I know who need a lot of attention have been that way for most of their lives, and can't maintain long-distance relationships because they "need" instant gratification.
 
#12 ·
In general, to answer the question - I absolutely wouldn't be comfortable with the situation you described.

In the one relationship I've been in, the girl I'd been with for a couple months (at that point) suddenly became really good friends with another guy - was talking to him online and on the phone rather often and such. In my naivete, I thought, "this is no problem, because she'd be trying to hide it from me if it was something more than a friendship... her openness about it must mean it's completely platonic." Well, it wasn't more than a couple weeks after it started that she broke up with me and was immediately dating the other guy.

Yeah, it's anecdotal, but I think the lesson I learned was this: just because a girl is open about something with you doesn't mean it isn't cause for concern. In fact, I tend to agree with NoMarriageHole in that her bringing it up with you is likely an attempt to arouse jealousy - not quite the hallmark of someone interested in a stable, committed relationship.
 
#13 ·
What I'm about to propose may seem counterintuitive, but this is exactly how I would handle the situation.

The moment you show jealousy and confront her about it, it becomes apparent that she is in control of the relationship, not to mention that you are not confident enough about yourself because you fear losing her. This generally kills attraction.

As such, I would take the dominant status.

If I were in this situation, I would simply tell my fiance "Haha, sounds like a fun guy... although a bit of a wussy." Then change the subject altogether. This demonstrates that you are in control and aren't worried about losing your fiance. This type of reaction to her amps up your attraction in her eyes, and lowers the value of the other guy.

The goal here is to plant the seed in her mind to cause her to think about you and miss you.
 
#14 ·
What I'm about to propose may seem counterintuitive, but this is exactly how I would handle the situation.

The moment you show jealousy and confront her about it, it becomes apparent that she is in control of the relationship, not to mention that you are not confident enough about yourself because you fear losing her. This generally kills attraction.

As such, I would take the dominant status.

If I were in this situation, I would simply tell my fiance "Haha, sounds like a fun guy... although a bit of a wussy." Then change the subject altogether. This demonstrates that you are in control and aren't worried about losing your fiance. This type of reaction to her amps up your attraction in her eyes, and lowers the value of the other guy.

The goal here is to plant the seed in her mind to cause her to think about you and miss you.
Based on my observations, I don't disagree with your advice at all. But the fact that it's good advice is awfully depressing. Or maybe it's just me.

It seems one major reason a lot of us SA guys are unsuccessful with the opposite sex is because we have this innate desire to be in naive, fairy-tale relationships where we can be completely open and transparent with the girl and she'll stay attracted to us for who we are. We despise the idea of mind games, control tactics, and the constant tug-of-war over who is "emotionally in control" - and while we recognize these games are necessary to some extent, a relationship hardly seems worth pursuing if that's the framework it will exist in.

I marvel over how some guys are able to constantly jump from one relationship to another and deal with this big charade day in and day out, but I'm sure confidence goes a long way. If you're winning the emotional games sometimes, they're probably a lot more fun, eh?

My question is this: at what point in a relationship, if ever, can all this crap (the mind games, bluffing to feign confidence, etc.) stop? I guess it's a bit of a rhetorical question, since the answer is obviously that it will vary from one relationship to the next. But honestly, if I were in a relationship of any real length (more than a month or so) and the girl started pulling this jealousy BS, I'd instantly feel like there's such a fundamental disconnect between us and how we view the purpose of relationships that there would be no point in continuing it. But I guess that's more naivete on my part. Stupid me, hoping human beings are capable of committing to each other and not allowing selfishness and the need for excess attention trash otherwise-healthy relationships. :roll
 
#19 ·
Yes, he can have whatever friends he wants to. Besides, it would be hypocritical and possessive of me to have a blanket disapproval of any opposite-sex friendships he could have, because I've been friends with guys myself. Yes, JUST FRIENDS.

Also if a person is bisexual that could lead to problems. "No friends for you!!" lol
 
#20 ·
I don't have a problem with it.
 
#21 ·
I think it's good to feel jealous. I always always a non-jealous girlfriend. It got me into a lot of trouble. One bf ended up having a secret relationship with another girl because I let him be himself and we lived far away from one another. But of course, when I think of that situation, the problem was not that I let him be myself, but that I didn't have the confidence to find out who himself was. He's still to this day an awesome guy, but he is swayed by girls who show control over his decisions. Other boyfriends I've had, I haven't shown any jealousy, it actually made them harbor secret suspicions on me. Why wouldn't I act jealous, was I not in love with them? Well, that's not why, it was always just that I trusted people the way I trusted myself! Oops!

I guess, what I'm saying is, it's good to show her you're a tad jealous. Don't get crazy, don't tell her she can't have friends of the opposite sex! That's ridiculous! If she's super horny/cheater, why are you going to marry her anyway?

I think it's weird that people feel they have to have "control" over their spouses, rather than just everyone be themselves, and dump the ones who aren't as monogamous/honest as you are. Seems so simple to me.

If a guy told me to stop having male friends I'd lose him.
 
#22 ·
My two best friends are engaged to be married; I've been friends with the guy since high school, and met his fiance through him a couple years ago. She and I get along great and hang out a lot, there was a period where we were both unemployed and we hung out every day, we actually spent more time with each other than either of us did with her fiance. None of us is bothered by it or thinks its weird, because they both trust each other, and they trust me. Sure, I think she's attractive, but I wouldn't hit on her or do anything else to disrespect either of them or risk our friendship - it's just a question of trust. (Plus, it doesn't hurt she's trying to set me up with her single friends. A good female friend is worth her weight in gold sometimes.)
 
#23 ·
I'm faced with a similar problem, although i can't say I agree with the attitude that you should not have anything to do with a person that maintains friends of the opposite sex. Unfortunately you are not going to have much success in relationships if you think like that.
 
#24 ·
its not her that I don't trust, its these other guys. The other day she told me the guy that hit on her already knew she was engaged to me and asked her to leave me to get with him. If they keep making passes at her, one of these days those passes might land and I'll be in deep ****.
 
#28 ·
I would not be comfortable with it under most circumstances, especially if it involves them hanging out one-on-one.

I look at every successful marriage whether it's my parents, other married couples that my parents are friends with, or neighbors. They all have one thing in common. Their friends are always other couples. And when they get together, it's always the 4 of them hanging out. It would be extremely weird for example, for my dad to call up the wife of another couple to talk or hangout.
 
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