Social Anxiety Support

justpassinby · 04-28-2009, 09:02 AM

Resentment

When you have a resentment, a major part of you closes down. You become bitter and less able to express your love. You lose your aliveness and your joy for life. You put up walls of protection and you make your life more difficult.

Letting go of a resentment is not for the benefit of the other person. Letting go of a resentment is for you.

When you resent someone, you are saying very forcefully, that the other person is the problem, the cause and the fault. Not you. You forcefully blame the other person so you don't have to look at yourself.

If you looked at yourself, you would have to experience all the hurt from what happened. You would have to feel all the hurt of being not good enough, not worth loving or some other form of not okay. To avoid this hurt, you resent.

The first step in releasing a resentment is to be willing to [I]feel this hurt[/I]. Look under the resentment and find the hurt. Find the feelings of being not good enough or not worth loving that you are avoiding. Then be willing to experience them. Cry if you can. Once you are willing to feel this hurt, you no longer need the resentment.

The next step is to notice that the person you resent has a very particular state of mind and a very particular way of seeing life. Notice that this person has a very limited awareness and acts totally consistent with his or her limited skills and ability.

Now notice that if this person was wiser and more aware, then he or she would be able to act very differently, but the person isn't wiser and more aware. This person only has the limited awareness that he or she has.

Notice that this person is doing the very best he or she can with his or her very limited ability. Notice how much this person suffers as a result of his or her limited equipment.

Now ask yourself, Are you willing to forgive this person for not being wiser and more aware? Are you willing to forgive this person for acting consistent with his or her limited ability? Are you willing for forgive this person for the damage that was caused?

Remember that forgiveness is for you, not the other person. Forgiveness is a choice. Let go of your resentment and get on with your life.

Neptunus · 04-28-2009, 01:05 PM

Nice article, thanks for posting it.

justpassinby · 04-28-2009, 09:56 PM

your welcome

WintersTale · 04-30-2009, 11:22 PM

Really nice article, thanks for posting it.

_AJ_ · 05-01-2009, 01:57 PM

YES! I forgive him

thank you justpassinby

I needed that today

alohomora · 05-02-2009, 06:27 PM

Yeah but what if I have to see that person every single day? I mean, I may forgive what they did last year or last week...but then they wrong me today and will probably wrong me in the following days and years.

I already figured out the ideas you described, but it is really hard to forgive someone when you constantly have to be around them and their "limited awareness" keeps affecting you every single day. I think it's easier to forgive once you have left them and you can just reflect upon their behavior.

Also, how do you deal with someone that constantly blames you for their problems? It's not always so easy to keep your perspective. Sometimes you begin to believe all the bad things they say about you and it's not always so easy to discount their put-downs as just "limited awareness"...especially when you're mentally exhausted or you have a strong emotional bond with that person...I mean, if someone you're supposed to love hurts you so much it's hard to rationalize it.

By the way, even though I'm going on this rant, I really appreciate you putting up this thread and reminding me of these things.

Madison_Rose · 05-02-2009, 07:07 PM

That seems sensible and wise. It's not easy - I'm still harbouring resentment and struggling to forgive. I'll go read the OP again

04-28-2009, 09:02 AM	#1 (permalink)
justpassinby Status: SAS Member Join Date: Oct 2008 Gender: Female Posts: 429	resentment Resentment When you have a resentment, a major part of you closes down. You become bitter and less able to express your love. You lose your aliveness and your joy for life. You put up walls of protection and you make your life more difficult. Letting go of a resentment is not for the benefit of the other person. Letting go of a resentment is for you. When you resent someone, you are saying very forcefully, that the other person is the problem, the cause and the fault. Not you. You forcefully blame the other person so you don't have to look at yourself. If you looked at yourself, you would have to experience all the hurt from what happened. You would have to feel all the hurt of being not good enough, not worth loving or some other form of not okay. To avoid this hurt, you resent. The first step in releasing a resentment is to be willing to [I]feel this hurt[/I]. Look under the resentment and find the hurt. Find the feelings of being not good enough or not worth loving that you are avoiding. Then be willing to experience them. Cry if you can. *Once you are willing to feel this hurt, you no longer need the resentment.* The next step is to notice that the person you resent has a very particular state of mind and a very particular way of seeing life. Notice that this person has a very limited awareness and acts totally consistent with his or her limited skills and ability. Now notice that if this person was wiser and more aware, then he or she would be able to act very differently, but the person isn't wiser and more aware. This person only has the limited awareness that he or she has. Notice that this person is doing the *very best he or she can* with his or her very limited ability. Notice how much this person suffers as a result of his or her limited equipment. Now ask yourself, Are you willing to forgive this person for not being wiser and more aware? Are you willing to forgive this person for acting consistent with his or her limited ability? Are you willing for forgive this person for the damage that was caused? Remember that forgiveness is for you, not the other person. Forgiveness is a choice. Let go of your resentment and get on with your life.

04-28-2009, 01:05 PM	#2 (permalink)
Neptunus Status: Authenticating Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: USA Gender: Female Posts: 2,840	Nice article, thanks for posting it. __________________ "When I stand before thee at the day's end, thou shalt see my scars and know that I had my wounds and also my healing." ~Rabindranath Tagore "Being gentle means forgiving yourself when you mess up. We should learn from our mistakes, but we shouldn't beat the tar out of ourselves over them. The past is just that, past. Learn what went wrong and why. Make amends if you need to. Then drop it and move on." ---Sean Covey

05-02-2009, 07:07 PM	#7 (permalink)
Madison_Rose Status: conservative gay hamster Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: United Kingdom Gender: Female Age: 27 Posts: 1,307	That seems sensible and wise. It's not easy - I'm still harbouring resentment and struggling to forgive. I'll go read the OP again __________________ Freethinker? Skeptic? Agnostic? Atheist? Not sure? www.the-brights.net

04-28-2009, 09:56 PM	#3 (permalink)
justpassinby Status: SAS Member Join Date: Oct 2008 Gender: Female Posts: 429	your welcome

04-30-2009, 11:22 PM	#4 (permalink)
WintersTale Status: Falling into eternity Join Date: May 2007 Gender: Male Age: 27 Posts: 1,506	Really nice article, thanks for posting it.

05-01-2009, 01:57 PM	#5 (permalink)
_AJ_ Status: SAS Member Join Date: Jan 2008 Location: Edmonton, Alberta, Canada Posts: 734	YES! I forgive him thank you justpassinby I needed that today

05-02-2009, 06:27 PM	#6 (permalink)
alohomora Status: The party is over Join Date: Apr 2009 Location: In a fiction book Gender: Female Age: 24 Posts: 288	Yeah but what if I have to see that person every single day? I mean, I may forgive what they did last year or last week...but then they wrong me today and will probably wrong me in the following days and years. I already figured out the ideas you described, but it is really hard to forgive someone when you constantly have to be around them and their "limited awareness" keeps affecting you every single day. I think it's easier to forgive once you have left them and you can just reflect upon their behavior. Also, how do you deal with someone that constantly blames you for their problems? It's not always so easy to keep your perspective. Sometimes you begin to believe all the bad things they say about you and it's not always so easy to discount their put-downs as just "limited awareness"...especially when you're mentally exhausted or you have a strong emotional bond with that person...I mean, if someone you're supposed to love hurts you so much it's hard to rationalize it. By the way, even though I'm going on this rant, I really appreciate you putting up this thread and reminding me of these things.