re: will i ever be happy with myself
I am like this, because things don't work out for me like they do for most people. I look around, and most people have easy lives. When they need a job, they get a job, and it works out for them.
When they want to date, they meet someone they like.
For me, it is always about struggling and not having things work out. I am not extremely picky. Things just don't go well for me, and friends of mine have commented on this. Maybe I make bad choices. I try to make good choices, but I don't have a crystal ball.
Maybe it is me, maybe I am not capable of making good choices that will work out well.
In this case, I won't ever be happy. I do not have a good life. I do not like where I have ended up, and contrary to what many say, you cannot control everything.