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Old 10-29-2009, 08:40 PM   #1 (permalink)
 
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Exclamation "Why don't you have a boyfriend?"

Today it actually went like this (keep in mind this is a woman in her 40-50s I work with).

"Do you have a boyfriend?"
"No."
*gasps* "You don't have a boyfriend? Why not?"
"I don't know..." *awkward*
"Don't you like boys?"
"..yes..." *wants to stab self by this point*
-blah blah blah, then she questions me more so I say-
"Why should I [have one]?"
"You're twenty years old!"
"...so?"

What is with the world acting like everyone should be paired off? Do some people understand that there are-- wait for it-- SINGLE PEOPLE out there?? They really do exist, they're not just a myth. It's amazing, I know. We ought to alert the press.

I think what annoyed me more though was the 'you're 20' comment. Um... what is that meant to mean? The question wasn't "have you ever had a boyfriend before?" no offense to anyone but I could see how she'd find that a little stranger (that I'd never had one before at 20, not that there's anything wrong with that, definitely not, but I could see this lady finding that odd I guess). But the question was do I have one now.

I hate the attitude people have when you're single. Shouldn't you get more respect for not being a codependent dimwit like everyone else?
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Old 10-29-2009, 08:49 PM   #2 (permalink)
 
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I guess it some ways you could take it as a compliment because maybe they think you're good looking so they're surprised you're not reeling them in, lol. I'd like to think that's why people are surprised when I say I'm single but I think it's more that regardless of how I or anyone else looks, we should just be in a relationship because everyone else is and single is apparently this unheard of thing.

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I mean come on, if I come straight out and say "Because I'm a loser" will they finally shut up about it?
Ha, I almost wanna try this. Just so they can feel really guilty and finally stop questioning it.

And I agree about something else you said too. It's really irritating when you hardly know the person. It's sort of like, what is the significance of me being in a relationship or not to you when you don't even know me?
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Old 10-29-2009, 08:55 PM   #3 (permalink)
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I hate those conversations.

When I was 19, working at a movie theater talking to a 16 year-old girl:
Her: "Do you have a girlfriend?"
Me: "No"
Her: "When's the last time you had one?"
Me: "Never"
Her: "Why not? Are you gay?"
Me: "...."
(no, I'm not gay)

When I was 20, talking with a girl who obviously was interested in me, in my dorm:
Her: "Do you have a girlfriend?"
Me: "No, never had one"
Her: "What?? Are you gay? You're probably gay"

Last summer at work with a female co-worker:
Her: "Are you a virgin?"
Me: "Yes"
Her: "Oh wow....well please tell me you've at least dated before"
Me: "Uh, no"
Her: "Oh god"

I hate how judgmental people get when they know what your love life has been like. It really pisses me off. Maybe next time I'll tell them I've slept with 40 or 45 girls, I lost count.
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Old 10-29-2009, 09:01 PM   #4 (permalink)
 
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Aww that sucks. I've actually had that before too, the "are you gay?" thing. I don't get what the big deal about being single is. People really annoy me sometimes.
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Old 10-29-2009, 09:50 PM   #5 (permalink)
 
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47 never been married, never had a long term relationship, no children.

Yes, it does happen. Yes, some people are different. In fact everyone is different.

I can see this woman's POV bc most people are social and mate/date. She's just trying to understand you and is somewhat aggressive in her behavior.

Everyone needs to take relationships in their own way.

Maybe you could tell her "I don't have a boyfriend right now." And if she responded with some astonished comment, just ignore it, that's her.

You don't owe this woman a boyfriend. Maybe she's a frustrated lesbo or something so she pushes too hard about it.
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Old 10-29-2009, 09:57 PM   #6 (permalink)
 
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"Why don't you have a boyfriend?"
"Boyfriend? I just haven't found the right woman yet."[/QUOTE]


I love this!!! thanks.
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Old 10-29-2009, 10:20 PM   #7 (permalink)
 
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Agreed with the comment about not having 'found the right woman yet.' That's awesome, lol. I'd try some of these but then I kind of think it'd just make it worse sometimes. In this response's case, as awesome as it, this particularly lady seems to be heavily religious so she'd probably start telling me how wrong that was or something, lol. Yep, can't win.
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Old 10-29-2009, 10:27 PM   #8 (permalink)
 
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I just tell them I have an "invisible one"...thereby confirming their suspicion that I'm cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs.
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Old 10-29-2009, 10:28 PM   #9 (permalink)
 
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I have been told this, and I always say that I just don't want to deal with having a gf right now which is mostly true but I would really like to have one to be honest. Then when they ask me how long was my longest relationship I lie and say like 3 months but in reality the longest gf I have had was none. Then when they ask me how many gfs I have had I always say 3. It is really pathetic to be honest, to lie about having something that I have no experience in.
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Old 10-29-2009, 11:12 PM   #10 (permalink)
 
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Hi All

Geez we're not alone are we when it comes to being single. I'm from Australia and like a lot of other countries we have a variety of internet dating sites ranging from the moral to the immoral I've exhausted all my options through family & friends, so have been giving this whole internat dating thing a good crack. Suffice to say my luck so far sux. I can strike up interest in someone, but once the SA is mentioned, the majority do a runner. Comments like; "I don't want to be restricted like that.", or "I don't think I could cope with that", etc. etc. I even get knocked back by ladies who themselves have an anxiety condition, claiming that coping with their own problems is hard enough without having to cope with mine as well.

Yes I agree our options are limited. My last serious relationship failed largely due to the fact the SA placed sometimes unreasonable restrictions on what we could do as a couple. Things like travelling, socialising, going out for dinner etc. all suffered. The fact it was restricting us put even more stress on me, despite her assurances to the contrary.

But there is light out there people!! It will be difficult to start and maintain a relationship whilst your symptoms are at their worst. What to do?? Don't make the same mistake I did, and try to cope ibn a relationship when my symptoms themselves were not the best to start with. Concentrate on getting the best available help you can get, "get your **** together", build up some confidence and self esteem, and then worry about a relationship. Bringing a lot of baggage into a relationship makes things a lot harder. Reducing the baggage improves your chances. Don't add to the stress of SA by worrying about why I'm single. Try to improve yourself, and then worry about a relationship.

I know SA sux. But with decent professional help and a lot of trial & error with meds, I'm a lot better than I was.

It takes a determined view to realise that YOU deserve the best help available. I know you may not think so, but you are as entitled to the best care as any other person. Unfortunately the quality of professional care and the effects of meds are not always good, and can make matters worse at times, but don't give up!! Be determined! Don't put up with **** care, and "shop around" until you strike up a good repore with a professional who is willing to be patient with you, and is willing to try a number of meds until YOU start to improve.

Don't let generalised anxiety and depression add to the already difficult condition of SA. I've been there and done that. Not nice.

Despite the ****. Despite the setbacks. Don't give up your determination to get better! It can and does happen!

I wish you all the best. You're not alone.

Cheers

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Old 10-30-2009, 02:39 AM   #11 (permalink)
 
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I have had this question, and the suggestion that I must like men if I don't have a girlfriend.

Why don't people ask me if I have any friends? If I say no, then they would understand that I don't have a girlfriend and they don't have to ask about that, and they would understand thats why I never had any girlfriend.
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Old 10-30-2009, 04:29 AM   #12 (permalink)
 
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People can tell just by looking at me why I don't have a girlfriend. Maybe I should count my blessings.
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Old 10-30-2009, 04:59 AM   #13 (permalink)
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ohio Fatso View Post
People can tell just by looking at me why I don't have a girlfriend. Maybe I should count my blessings.
You're right, they probably can. But it's not for the reasons you might think.
You might think they know you don't have a girlfriend because they think you're ugly or fat or whatever but it's probably more like they can see that you believe you aren't worth the attention of a female.
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Old 10-30-2009, 05:08 AM   #14 (permalink)
 
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I think some people who go to bed every night miserable with their current relationship feel the need to impose their misery on everyone around them. Under that thick layer of denial there's some jealousy deep down.

I remember how miserable I was towards the end of my last relationship. I envied single people to no end. I never sunk so low as to impose my misery on everyone else though.
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Old 10-30-2009, 06:09 AM   #15 (permalink)
 
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why do people assume that you're gay just because you're not/have never been in a relationship? i always thought that was weird.
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Old 10-30-2009, 07:49 AM   #16 (permalink)
 
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Quote:
I just tell them I have an "invisible one"...thereby confirming their suspicion that I'm cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs.
Haha, I like that. I should point and be all, "He's right over there..."

Quote:
My Uncle: Do you have a Girlfriend?
Me: No
My Uncle: Um, Do you like girls?
Wow. It's amazing how single seems to equal gay in some people's minds. I know they're implying that the person is closeted but do they realize gay people do date as well? Amazing I know, lol.
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Old 10-30-2009, 07:54 AM   #17 (permalink)
 
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Yep seems to be a common theme, it seems expected of you to have a gf/bf in your late teens - 20's.

I remember when I was 17 and my cousin was over on holiday we were discussing the topic and I said I had never had a gf and he was really surprised. Then he said "you have at least kissed someone I hope" and I just responded with a "yes" in a nervous way since it was a lie. THen to make things worse he finished it with "haha, well I was about to say....if you had not.....hahaha".

bleh
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Old 10-30-2009, 10:42 AM   #18 (permalink)
 
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My response to the "you do like girls don't you?" comment is usually "yup they just don't seem to like me!"
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Old 10-30-2009, 11:14 AM   #19 (permalink)
 
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Urgh, i hate all that 'you have at least kissed someone' or 'you have at least dated'
Behind that is that unspoken - 'if you haven't you're clearly some kind of freak - and if thats the case i won't know how to deal with you'

People can't seem to believe or accept that not everyone they meet may be as ordinary as everyone else they know.
As the being gay bit.....people clearly think of that before they think that people could be suffering from chronic shyness or something. I guess because by being gay you are doing the same things as them - dating and sex, just not with the opposite sex.

Sadly some of us have realized we are gay - but that doesn't make it any easier - you'll still just be the freak virgin who's never had a date of even the opposite sex

The more i read things showing people's responses like this - the more terrified i become of even trying to get a life - It would be bad enough if i was 20 - but i'm out of my twenties now - so these sort of people would really consider me a freak. And if that's their first sort of thought to you being single - you know they aren;'t going to understand or be sympathetic when you try to tell them - it's SA or shyness or because your upbringing made you believe that you are a piece of **** that everyone is going to ridicule and think that everything you do or like is stupid. Or that you really do believe you are horrible and not worth it and that people don't really like you or find you attractive.
Or that you are just scared to death to get close to anyone because the only so called close relationships you've had (ie family) have been upsetting, negative and abusive.

I'm not sure i believe that I'll ever feel good enough about myself to have the courage to face any of this to try to have a life full of friends and closeness and to know what's it like to fall in love and be loved backed and actually believe i am and that i'm worth it.

Really hating life right now.
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Old 10-30-2009, 11:31 AM   #20 (permalink)
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JMX
Last summer at work with a female co-worker:
Her: "Are you a virgin?"
That is none of her business! Why do people think they can judge others based on whether or not they are a virgin and where do they get right to ask another person. I cannot even imagine asking someone if he/she is a virgin. UGH!
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