Today, I chose to finally express myself in writing to what has been going on in my life in the past few years ... I have read all the posts in hope for some answers or even a hint of hope. I have unfortunately not found any of such. It would seem that I now live in perpetual bad luck and I am beginning this is a curse and has nothing to do with luck.
Dont get me wrong ... I use to be able to tell others and make them believe that sometimes bad luck brings good things. And that bad things happen for a reason ... and most times these reasons are of positive outcomes. Yes.. I once was an optimist until recently.
After many years of severe depression, I got the help i needed and decided to help others. In the meantime, because of my depression, my doctor ordered blood work. I found out within two weeks, starting on my birthday, that I was HIV positive, and a week later I was diagnosed with stage four cancer ... I was lucky enough back then to of had no symptoms for either ... or so I thought.
I decided to volunteer. I was able to do great things and I was proud that I was able to make a difference and I saw it ... but in the meantime, although the organization was aware of my HIV status, i kept my cancer diagnosis quiet as i did not want to be treated differently nor did I want to be told that i needed to slow down .. I was strong and i wanted to use the time i had left to help those in need and leave behind hope for those who had lost it and do something good before I die ..
Well things took a turn when my cancer diagnosis was discovered and since things got from difficult to unbearable.
During the time I was volunteering I was homeless and I had found someone to sgare a 2 bedroom ... I put him on the lease ... within a month he stopped paying rent to support his drug habit instead.
Then the second roomate repeated the first ... so I thought it must be a pattern I keep following.
So I screened the third one.
In the meantime I began to get ill, aches pains and lack of appetite,dizziness .. in short all the symptoms that come along with brain cancer.
So I had to stop my usual activities and needed help
So since march of 2012 ... I have been facing eviction since I cannot pay for my other roommates share. So i asked help. The help hasnt been very helpful since I cannot do all the work for them.
Until a few weeks ago, I would constantly have a new struggle to deal with but recently it seems that the bad luck streak is on fire.
Within the last 2 weeks ... my 3 month old Sim card gets damaged, I had to reset my phone and buy a new one, my internet goes down immediately after and not because my bill wasn't paid ... then my laptop beaks down, gets repaired and breaks down again .. gets repaired again ... and today I spot a mouse in my kitchen after I had asked ,my roommate not to leave garbage lying around and my kitchen faucet leaks ...
Bottom line, I just have become too ill to cope with all this 'streak of bad luck'. My health is getting worst and the stress in increasing. Taking deep breaths no longer works, Talking about it just makes people run away and they dont want to hear it anymore and I m also discovering that I am really alone ... many of my friends have distanced themselves because I am ill ... and I get that ... it is hard to deal with. So my only relief is crying myself to sleep every night ... and during the day until the tears dry out.
The irony is that for so many years i tried to end my life and where I find hope and begin to find life beautiful ... all odds turn against me. It s almost like life is telling me I had the right idea in the first place and all my efforts and work made no difference ... it was all in vain. And now that I seek some peace.. mind heart and soul ... I am condemned to constant and never ending curse as one bad things immediately follows another.
I was never one to ask for help. I was the go to guy when help was needed. And today I deal with it all on my own. I don't ask for pity or sympathy .. all I ask for is a reason why because I see a reason why all these bad things happen to me all at the same time. I have tried everything to understand but see no light at the end of this dark tunnel.