People always bother me for being "too quiet," but the problem is when I do speak up, I always end up embarressing myself by blurting out the most awkward things, and wishing that i had kept quiet. If I'm around people that I'm comfortable with I can have descent conforsations, but the second I'm around people I dont know very well, I always just psych myself out and cant come up with a single normal thing to say.
During a history class for example, my professor had been harrassing me for weeks about "not participating." she was calling me up to her desk before every class to "come up with a creative solution for my poor participation grade." and I kept saying that I honestly didn't have any solutions. Eventually she just started singling me out every day and picking on me for one thing or another, but every topic we talked about, I just had nothing to contribute.
One day she asked, "has anyone here ever been to a catacomb? Can you share yourexperience?" I actually did go to one in Paris, because we happened to wander by the entrance and that was what the group wanted to do. No one raised their hand of course, so I knew it was now or never, and if I thought about it too much, I would end up just freaking myself out and not "participating." I ended just raising my hand and blurting it out, describing everything that I saw in there. It wasn't until later that I realized that my catacomb experience was the first time that most people in that class had ever heard me speak. It dawned on me how weirdly morbid it sounded that my first words were blurting out some incoherent rant about skulls and bones. In stead of being relieved that my professor might leave me alone, i was despereately wishing that I had just kept my mouth shut.
This is just an example and its similar to what usually happens when I speak up. I know that if I think too much about what I say I will only chicken out, and my brain just comes up with the worst possible things to say. Its hard to view the times when I speak up as a victory over SA, when I usually just embarrass myself, and I cant really be proud of myself, when I regret everything that comes out of my mouth.
I know I shouldn't think this way, but I can't stop myself from over analyzing everything and blowing the awkwardness out of porportion. I tend to remember the past as worse than it really was, and letting it destroy my confidence. I still, cant stop myself from scrutinizing and regretting every word out of my mouth. It just seems like mentally I'm fighting a losing battle.