Why are people so rude and judgmental? - Social Anxiety Forum
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post #1 of 28 (permalink) Old 01-19-2017, 03:03 PM Thread Starter
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Why are people so rude and judgmental?

As a person with social anxiety disorder, I've always felt like myself and many others dealing with SA have an acute awareness of how they appear to others and choose their words carefully to avoid offending or hurting others feelings. We're probably more empathetic than the average person. I know in my case that has always been true. Even when I don't like someone, I have never gone out of my way to make them feel like ****. I simply avoid them altogether. For the better part of my life I've isolated myself in fear of people and my perceived thoughts about how they would receive me as a 28 year old man who doesn't drive or work due to crippling social anxiety.

Recently though, my mom broke her leg and I have been obligated to start getting out there and doing all the daily things she can't do right now since she's immobile. In a short time I've gotten a crash course on grocery shopping by myself, cashing checks at the bank, picking up my mom's meds at the pharmacy, making phonecalls to set up doctor's appointments, etc etc.

As I get out there on foot, walking around town and interacting with people more than I ever have in my life prior, I'm realizing that I really wasn't all that wrong in my perception of people and their reactions, unfortunately..

In the last two days I've had a couple shi**y experiences with people..

Yesterday I was grocery shopping. I had my cart with my stuff, there was a long line in Dollar General that was backed up in front of some item displays.. this older woman comes up and stands behind me, without any items to pay for that I could see. She took her sunglasses off and was groaning to herself, huffing like she was so put out by the long line. With my anxiety I was thinking "Well damn, maybe she needs to get something and I'm in her way.." so, trying to be considerate I turned to her and simply asked "Sorry, am I in your way?" She reacted as though my simply asking the question was an insult and said "What? No..I'm just standing in line..if you were in my way I'd tell you to get out of my way!.." like I was some kind of idiot for even asking. I instantly felt stupid and just said "Oh okay, just checking."

The second thing was just today, I was grocery shopping again. Since I don't drive I walk to the store with a backpack on and keep some of the store's ten cent bags in it for when I get to check out. So.. I go up the store, get a cart.. as I'm taking some plastic bags out of my backpack another older woman walks out of the store with her daughter, and they pass me on the way to her car. This lady took one look at me, turned to her daughter and said plenty loud enough for me to hear her.. "See, that's what you can do if you don't go to school!" As if I was some homeless piece of trash or something?

This is exactly the kind of sh*t that always made me want to avoid people.. how can the average person be so thoughtless, rude, and judgmental? I mean damn, someone who walks to the store with a backpack must automatically be a homeless dropout or something?!

I would never judge a person or be an outright *** to them without knowing their situation. Even if I got a knee-jerk reaction to the way someone looks I'd just keep it to myself, but it seems like people go out of their way to express their opinions about others and they don't think about how it hurts. This world is f**cked up, that's all I can say..
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post #2 of 28 (permalink) Old 01-19-2017, 04:05 PM
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That is called projecting (common with people that have personality disorders) and they are projecting their insecurities onto you. What is their problems / things they worry about being judged about, they make it your problem to feel better. Just listen to what they say. If it doesn't sound like you, it most likely isn't about you, it's about them and their fears. Just think it's their problem and it has less effect emotionally.

If want to prevent someone like that from doing that again. Basically don't show emotion on face (known as business face) and don't look at people if you can (act like you are concentrating on something and ignore what they say, that includes looking at them if they say something, act like it's someone next to you they are talking to).

They do it to get reaction from you and that includes looking at them. If ignore them, that is what they don't like. These types of people usually have parents that ignore them a lot when growing up, so act out to get attention (basically kids mentally in an adult body). Kids usually grow out of that phase when they mature (like us for example), but some people don't and get worse as they get older.

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post #3 of 28 (permalink) Old 01-19-2017, 04:47 PM
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Yup, don't let messed up people get to you. Don't make other people your problem.

Why?
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post #4 of 28 (permalink) Old 01-19-2017, 04:50 PM
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I used to be so scared to talk to people and interact with the world until I started to recognize this about other people. People who don't seem to have social anxiety don't care what comes out of their mouths. It is not that they have some special social confidence, it is that they lack social awareness of anybody besides themselves. So I figured out if I wanted to be "normal" I needed to adopt that attitude. I had to stop over analyzing everything and just "not give a f**k". Who cared what other people think of you, they sure don't care what you think of them. They enjoy life not giving a f**k and you should do the same.
I am not saying treat people poorly but just let go of the anxiety, the fear of being judged by strangers who don't care about you. Of course those people are probably more miserable than you are, but for some reason we care about stuff when they don't, so train yourself to care a little less and just let it go, just say to "yourself F'em" and enjoy your day.
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post #5 of 28 (permalink) Old 01-19-2017, 05:01 PM
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'I had to stop over analyzing everything and just "not give a f**k". Who cared what other people think of you'.

My advise exactly. A technique that has helped me recently on journeys from my bubble.
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post #6 of 28 (permalink) Old 01-19-2017, 06:38 PM
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I just assume that person is weird, mentally ill, or off their meds. Pick one of the three. I mean if you actually knew they were one of the three and they started spewing crap at you, you would know to ignore it because they are crazy. Since I do not usually know these people, I just assume this and go on about my way and treat these people as such. Whatever they say is disqualified since they are off their meds.

Still thinking of one.
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post #7 of 28 (permalink) Old 01-19-2017, 06:40 PM
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Originally Posted by YouHaveSevereAnxiety View Post
'I had to stop over analyzing everything and just "not give a f**k". Who cared what other people think of you'.

My advise exactly. A technique that has helped me recently on journeys from my bubble.
If someone doesn't care what you think, why should you care what they think. I only give a f*** to the people I give a f*** about.

Still thinking of one.
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post #8 of 28 (permalink) Old 01-19-2017, 06:44 PM
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Yeah I feel ya. It seems like there are more rude people than there are nice people. Dealt with someone like that just today. I can't do anything without feeling like a ****ing idiot because so many people make me feel that way. I think you and I both need to learn to shrug it off. We're only hurting ourselves by dwelling on that stuff. It's a pretty hard not to though
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post #9 of 28 (permalink) Old 01-19-2017, 07:54 PM
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We're probably more empathetic than the average person.
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post #10 of 28 (permalink) Old 01-19-2017, 08:10 PM
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I don't normally say this, but I think you're taking these incidents way too seriously. With the first woman... idk, but quite a lot of people are kind of rude or brusque, and it's not really personal, it's just their style. I've noticed this by watching other people interact with others, and typically other people ignore brusqueness or mild rudeness and don't make a big deal out of it. Also, I myself can be brusque with people, especially when I'm unprepared or taken by surprise. And when I do it, it's not personal, so when others do it, I don't think it is for them either that much. Just forget about it. As for the second incident, meh, if you look at it with a sense of humour, it's kind of funny tbh.
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post #11 of 28 (permalink) Old 01-19-2017, 09:01 PM Thread Starter
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I don't normally say this, but I think you're taking these incidents way too seriously. With the first woman... idk, but quite a lot of people are kind of rude or brusque, and it's not really personal, it's just their style. I've noticed this by watching other people interact with others, and typically other people ignore brusqueness or mild rudeness and don't make a big deal out of it. Also, I myself can be brusque with people, especially when I'm unprepared or taken by surprise. And when I do it, it's not personal, so when others do it, I don't think it is for them either that much. Just forget about it. As for the second incident, meh, if you look at it with a sense of humour, it's kind of funny tbh.


I didn't think it was funny. I'm someone who stresses about going out for exactly the reasons that I've been experiencing with people. I take fifteen to twenty minutes before I leave the apartment to make sure I have everything with me, to make sure there's not snot in my nose, to make sure my hair looks okay, that I don't have a zit within plain sight, that there's no stains or too much fuzz on my clothing, I dissect everything about my appearance specifically so I don't have to suffer the pain of someone randomly making rude comments to me because -they- think it's funny.

Then, there I am minding my own business and this woman is going to walk by and judge me at a glance when I'm well within earshot? And why? because I'm on foot and I have a backpack at the store? So that automatically makes me an example of a failure or something? You know, maybe it's just me.. but I don't see the humor in that.

It's just ugly and naive something I wouldn't do to other people. That's how I feel. She wasn't exactly making it a point to whisper or anything.

I do need to learn to not care what others think so much, but there's no doubt in my mind that other people are just straight f**ked up sometimes, and the world would be a much better place if people didn't think it was no big deal to be so bluntly judgmental to others when they don't even know the person.
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post #12 of 28 (permalink) Old 01-19-2017, 11:56 PM
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Damn, so sorry you had to deal with that. I deal with that too on a regular basis now that I have to go out and do **** by myself. People are sneaky (mostly women and yes I am a woman so I can say that) and pick on people they know will not fight back. If it wasn't obvious through your body language that you had any problems with self esteem or SA, those people would NOT pick on you because they know it would be a whole confrontation. People don't like confrontation so to take out their insecurities they pick on the weak. That's exactly what that is.

This reminds me of when I used to work in customer service. Rude customers in the beginning made me want to cry, but over time the more I did it the thicker my skin became and I could handle it.

I hate this site.
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post #13 of 28 (permalink) Old 01-20-2017, 12:06 AM
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Then, there I am minding my own business and this woman is going to walk by and judge me at a glance when I'm well within earshot? And why? because I'm on foot and I have a backpack at the store? So that automatically makes me an example of a failure or something? You know, maybe it's just me.. but I don't see the humor in that.
That's quite odd because it's not unusual to go grocery shopping with a backpack and on foot. I see people doing that all the time. If you weren't mistaken and she did in fact make a comment about you, it probably says something about her cultural background and generation.
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post #14 of 28 (permalink) Old 01-20-2017, 01:03 AM
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Congrats on your success. I think you should look at it as a successful venture. You accomplished what you set out to do in a time of need for the people you're close to. And yes, there will always to be pitfalls along the way. You need let it go because their opinion isn't really relevant or in any way valid. And your interpretation of events might be completely off base. Old people are both easily confused by today's world and usually impatient. You probably caught her off guard. The other woman probably thought you were bagging groceries for a living and she wanted to threaten her daughter. Parents are always doing that sort of thing. Really it doesn't matter. You can only control how you interact with the world and not how they'll respond to you. Keep a good attitude and don't let other people bring you down to their level.
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post #15 of 28 (permalink) Old 01-20-2017, 11:09 AM
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When I get into situations like that, it comforts me to think that the odds are spectacular that I'll never see or interact with that person ever again.

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post #16 of 28 (permalink) Old 01-20-2017, 11:22 AM
 
 
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Dollar stores in particular attract miserably people. They're poor, most of them have been working all day, the lines are long, they're wishing they were somewhere better. They're rude because they're miserable.

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"Laughter and tears are both responses to frustration and exhaustion. I myself prefer to laugh, since there is less cleaning up to do afterward." - Kurt Vonnegut
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post #17 of 28 (permalink) Old 01-21-2017, 02:07 PM
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Superiority

has many aspects?

or just one bland single-dimensional judger feels better than those they judge?

yep #1 money?
#2 friends...... hehehehehe! haa
#3 breeding?

life changed me, after school, more learning
there seems such magic luck. things fall into place.
these things can remain, or drift away, disappear

some people have continual luck. nothing lost. anchored by sturdy early life - parents? not obliged to give lots back to parents. Care for ourselves. Main trunk of life sets us up.
Those who never suffer anything. No hindrance. No problems. No unpleasant experience? Still like a child all life. Glee. No maturity gained.
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post #18 of 28 (permalink) Old 01-21-2017, 08:18 PM
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People often judge things they don't understand or give much regard to understand. This should not be confused with constructive criticism since sometimes a person who has well intentions on what they say can come off as judgmental to the person interpreting it.
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post #19 of 28 (permalink) Old 01-23-2017, 02:32 AM
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If someone doesn't care what you think, why should you care what they think. I only give a f*** to the people I give a f*** about.
Exactly. I think the difficulty comes from trying to condition yourself to think that way. I remind myself when I need to, but I'm sure that sooner or later it will become second nature.
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post #20 of 28 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 11:52 AM
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all begins in school playground

up themselves

building a following

I was passive all my life. onlooking, observing

sometimes plenty to say, whether appreciated or not

only time I got aggressive was when told "You Can't"

borderline elimination, rejection got into my nerves, brainstem, like a disease, cancer of authority

they have no reason or evidence. maybe act on experience of so many other people.
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