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Old 01-06-2011, 11:20 PM   #1 (permalink)
 
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Default When people just suddenly stop talking to you...

I get so frustrated when this happens.

I try so hard to be social, make friends, get more confidence and then 'blam' someone stops talking to me, with no warning and my confidence just drops and I don't want to be social any more.

Two separate friends have just stopped talking to me. I've never been moping or anxiety ridden around them. I can be confident when I want to and always was with these two - so I know it wasn't because I was too depressing to be around, something I know other people have felt about me.

***
The first one was at the start of December. I live in China btw - it's not easy to make good friends here. I was friends with this other western girl. She and her boyfriend and my bf and I would hang out together, like every few weeks. We got on really well and would just spend the whole time laughing. One day we were emailing back and forth and arranging to meet up (her suggestion). I emailed her having a mini humorous rant about my work (about 2 sentences), nothing serious and I know she experiences similar things because we do the same job. She didn't reply. I didn't think anything of it. I emailed later in the week to organise hanging out on Saturday, but she never responded. My bf tried talking to her on msn on the to see if they wanted to grab drinks on Saturday night, but she'd ignored him then eventually went off line. That's not unusual for her, so I gave her a quick call on her mobile and she cancelled the call. We didn't want to seem like we were hassling them, so we left it that and went to a bar to meet some other friends.

We've not heard from them since. My boyfriend doesn't care and says they obviously found new friends or are just idiots, but this kind of stuff scars me. I felt a bond between them and have known them for over a year, so I'm a bit shocked. I keep thinking about my email I sent, 'was it too ranty? maybe she didn't find it funny? maybe she thinks I'm moaning and didn't get the humour?'
My bf never has people stop talking to him, I do, all the time, so I'm sensing it was something I did.

The other friend is a Chinese girl. I find Chinese friendships hard to maintain. Largely due to the concept of face - let them 'lose face' slightly and blammo - they're gone. I have gone through many Chinese friends during my time here. This one, I'm not really sure. I invited her over on Xmas day as we were cooking food for a few people and she obviously didn't want to come, so she didn't reply. It's a Chinese thing - don't want to do something, just don't reply lest you or the other person loses face. Next time you see the person, act like normal, maybe tell them you we will and didn't read their message until it was too late, and all will be fine. So that's what I was expecting.
The next week I texted her to see if she wanted to hang out (we do language exchange) and I got a curt reply, 'I'm busy all day and going to Shanghai tomorrow for the weekend.'
I texted her this week, giving her another chance to see if she wanted to hang out, but she didn't reply. I can't text her again. I know the signs. It's over. I've somehow offended her deeply, but she won't tell me or let it slide because the offence caused was likely the result of cultural differences. My invite to dinner was sent the evening before, very short notice, but we organised it last minute.
****

Sorry, long rant. The result is I currently feel very very low. I work part time as a freelance writer and was given a load of scary assignments this weekend, when I'd planned on staying in doors. Right now, I feel so low I don't feel like I have the courage and optimism to pull them off (interviewing various people, in Chinese, and writing them up for a Monday deadline). I want to crawl into a hole
My boyfriend hasn't noticed because he's working till 9pm and just doesn't want to talk about this kind of stuff when he gets in.
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Old 01-07-2011, 01:06 AM   #2 (permalink)
 
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Originally Posted by mochistyle View Post
I get so frustrated when this happens.

I try so hard to be social, make friends, get more confidence and then 'blam' someone stops talking to me, with no warning and my confidence just drops and I don't want to be social any more.

Two separate friends have just stopped talking to me. I've never been moping or anxiety ridden around them. I can be confident when I want to and always was with these two - so I know it wasn't because I was too depressing to be around, something I know other people have felt about me.

***
The first one was at the start of December. I live in China btw - it's not easy to make good friends here. I was friends with this other western girl. She and her boyfriend and my bf and I would hang out together, like every few weeks. We got on really well and would just spend the whole time laughing. One day we were emailing back and forth and arranging to meet up (her suggestion). I emailed her having a mini humorous rant about my work (about 2 sentences), nothing serious and I know she experiences similar things because we do the same job. She didn't reply. I didn't think anything of it. I emailed later in the week to organise hanging out on Saturday, but she never responded. My bf tried talking to her on msn on the to see if they wanted to grab drinks on Saturday night, but she'd ignored him then eventually went off line. That's not unusual for her, so I gave her a quick call on her mobile and she cancelled the call. We didn't want to seem like we were hassling them, so we left it that and went to a bar to meet some other friends.

We've not heard from them since. My boyfriend doesn't care and says they obviously found new friends or are just idiots, but this kind of stuff scars me. I felt a bond between them and have known them for over a year, so I'm a bit shocked. I keep thinking about my email I sent, 'was it too ranty? maybe she didn't find it funny? maybe she thinks I'm moaning and didn't get the humour?'
My bf never has people stop talking to him, I do, all the time, so I'm sensing it was something I did.

The other friend is a Chinese girl. I find Chinese friendships hard to maintain. Largely due to the concept of face - let them 'lose face' slightly and blammo - they're gone. I have gone through many Chinese friends during my time here. This one, I'm not really sure. I invited her over on Xmas day as we were cooking food for a few people and she obviously didn't want to come, so she didn't reply. It's a Chinese thing - don't want to do something, just don't reply lest you or the other person loses face. Next time you see the person, act like normal, maybe tell them you we will and didn't read their message until it was too late, and all will be fine. So that's what I was expecting.
The next week I texted her to see if she wanted to hang out (we do language exchange) and I got a curt reply, 'I'm busy all day and going to Shanghai tomorrow for the weekend.'
I texted her this week, giving her another chance to see if she wanted to hang out, but she didn't reply. I can't text her again. I know the signs. It's over. I've somehow offended her deeply, but she won't tell me or let it slide because the offence caused was likely the result of cultural differences. My invite to dinner was sent the evening before, very short notice, but we organised it last minute.
****

Sorry, long rant. The result is I currently feel very very low. I work part time as a freelance writer and was given a load of scary assignments this weekend, when I'd planned on staying in doors. Right now, I feel so low I don't feel like I have the courage and optimism to pull them off (interviewing various people, in Chinese, and writing them up for a Monday deadline). I want to crawl into a hole
My boyfriend hasn't noticed because he's working till 9pm and just doesn't want to talk about this kind of stuff when he gets in.
I know exactly how you feel. This happens to me WAY more often than I'd like.

And then they tell you just "get more confidence". To me, there's a fine line between confidence and just being retarded.
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Old 01-07-2011, 01:13 AM   #3 (permalink)
 
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My best friend of the last four years--the closest friend I've ever had, by far--has stopped talking to me over the last three-plus months. I don't really know why (although I sort of do, but it's still kind of vague and mysterious), and I have no idea if this is just a lull in the friendship that will pass, or if some kind of permanent change is taking place. Actually, I'm pretty certain it's the latter. I'm sure we'll be in touch again, but I don't think that things will ever be the same. As a result, I've been feeling a void in my life, and I'm really scared that I'm never going to be able to fill it.
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Old 01-07-2011, 07:08 AM   #4 (permalink)
 
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I'd love to give you some advice, but I haven't got any friends. I haven't got a boyfriend, or a best friend, or any other kind of friends. And I'm relieved when acquaintances are out of my life, as I generally wish people to hell and I get murderous thoughts when I'm around them. So stop feeling low and be glad you didn't end up like me.
P. S. I hate Christmas, too.
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Old 01-07-2011, 12:51 PM   #5 (permalink)
 
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its not you..
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Old 01-07-2011, 01:08 PM   #6 (permalink)
 
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I had this happen with someone from this site-I put a lot of effort into the friendship then they just suddenly stopped being my friend. No explanation was forthcoming,I too felt like I'd had the rug pulled out from under me. I agree with some of the other posters,there is something missing with the person that would do that.
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Old 01-07-2011, 04:03 PM   #7 (permalink)
 
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I can relate. This has happened to me several times.
I had one friend in college who stopped talking to me. The weird thing is after I left school, she'd message me every couple of months and ask me what I was up to and if I wanted to hang out. I'd reply, tell her I'd really like that and usually ask her something back to get a conversation going. But then she'd completely ignore my response.
I don't even attempt to make friends with new people now..it's a waste of time.
And luckily I do have one friend. We've been close for the past 6 years. She's kind of like a sister and close to my family too so hopefully she'll never stop talking to me out of the blue like everyone else has.
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Old 01-08-2011, 02:52 AM   #8 (permalink)
 
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Oh, thanks for the responses guys. Sorry, I ranted away there and wrote quiiiite a lot.

But yeah, basically, I just don't want to even try to meet new people. I either invest so much effort in making sure they don't realise I'm a neurotic weirdo and act like a more 'normal' person or I just act myself - neither ways ever seem to work out.

I just wish people would give me some, you know, feedback when I do these supposedly terrible things that result in the end of a friendship. I'm generally pretty tolerant with other friends when they annoy me. It takes a hell of a lot for me to say, 'You know what, I can't be friends with this person any more.'
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Old 01-08-2011, 08:11 AM   #9 (permalink)
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mochistyle View Post
I just wish people would give me some, you know, feedback when I do these supposedly terrible things that result in the end of a friendship.
LOL That would be awesome! Have a little survey made up to hand out when things go awry. Sadly, I would need that survey a fair bit as I'm also good at making friends but then losing them and not having a clue why

Normal people should have a manual.
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Old 01-08-2011, 08:12 AM   #10 (permalink)
 
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I had this happen with someone from this site-I put a lot of effort into the friendship then they just suddenly stopped being my friend. No explanation was forthcoming,I too felt like I'd had the rug pulled out from under me. I agree with some of the other posters,there is something missing with the person that would do that.
That's pretty ****ty that someone on here would do that when they know how hard it is.
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Old 08-03-2011, 09:44 PM   #11 (permalink)
 
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Default the reason why 96% of people stop talking to others

i been doing a long long research on why in the world people just come into your lives and just up out of the blue take off with no explanation and never hear from them, reason why is because they were already dead when you met them, their lives were at or getting to an all time low but your enthusiasic energy builds up their confidence and they get the groove then before you know it they make a sudden move....out of your lives, just put it this way, that means you are the creater and teacher of happiness, so dont cling to people, let them cling to you, you are the source for love and understanding and its all in your ora....smiles...
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Old 08-03-2011, 09:50 PM   #12 (permalink)
 
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Yeah, I hate when that happens. It makes me feel like sh**.
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Old 08-03-2011, 10:11 PM   #13 (permalink)
 
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Originally Posted by Oxygenius View Post
i been doing a long long research on why in the world people just come into your lives and just up out of the blue take off with no explanation and never hear from them, reason why is because they were already dead when you met them, their lives were at or getting to an all time low but your enthusiasic energy builds up their confidence and they get the groove then before you know it they make a sudden move....out of your lives, just put it this way, that means you are the creater and teacher of happiness, so dont cling to people, let them cling to you, you are the source for love and understanding and its all in your ora....smiles...

hello

thanksalot oxygenius this actually makes so much sence to me now it, it has happened to me so many times even with girls , people actually cling to me and when they don,t see me they get frustated when im not in at work they go where were you , i got fired now i,ve been told they miss me and are really pised of that i got fired

but then why? do i have to ask if they want to stay in contact having sa makes it hard i don,t anymorecuz i don,t care
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Old 08-03-2011, 10:18 PM   #14 (permalink)
 
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Sorry that happened to you! I really don't understand people sometimes.

I had what I thought was a good friend that I'd know since first grade all the sudden stop talking to me. We did not have a fight or disagreement anything she just one day started to ignore my calls/texts. Needless to say it really hurt my feeling. We started talking again two months ago and hopefully it won't happen again :/.
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Old 08-04-2011, 12:19 AM   #15 (permalink)
 
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Yeah I've had this happen to me several times, hate it. Then when you ask if anything's wrong, they just say "no" but still won't really talk to you.
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Old 08-04-2011, 02:08 AM   #16 (permalink)
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Oxygenius View Post
i been doing a long long research on why in the world people just come into your lives and just up out of the blue take off with no explanation and never hear from them, reason why is because they were already dead when you met them, their lives were at or getting to an all time low but your enthusiasic energy builds up their confidence and they get the groove then before you know it they make a sudden move....out of your lives, just put it this way, that means you are the creater and teacher of happiness, so dont cling to people, let them cling to you, you are the source for love and understanding and its all in your ora....smiles...

I like this concept very much, but can't agree with it entirely. Regarding friendships I'm usually the one that inches away. It can be for a number of reasons, though it usually isn't anything at all. Really bad trait on my part even though it is beneficial in a sense. I find that those who do feed off of your personality stick around and will search for you when you've gone missing. Its usually only for their benefit though.The rest manage and their lives go on as if you weren't there in the first place.

Soo, yes ultimately I try staying unattached.
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Old 08-04-2011, 03:50 AM   #17 (permalink)
 
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doesn't anyone ever think that it could be because they did/said something weird? or did/said something to annoy them? I always think this and I'm even sure its true.. its like their way getting you out of their lives...
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Old 08-04-2011, 05:31 AM   #18 (permalink)
 
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In the last 6 months I had a group of friends just stop talking to me. These people had been my friends for at least 6 years; since high school. When I tried finding out why, the majority ignored me. The one who didn't simply said that I was awkward and had a bad personality.

I mean, really, it took you 6 years to stop hanging out with someone you thought had a bad personality?
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Old 08-04-2011, 05:35 AM   #19 (permalink)
 
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My two best friends of 7 years have stopped talking to me and drifted apart intentionally, I guess I wasnt cool enough for them anymore as they've both made lots of new friends from uni and work.
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Old 02-22-2012, 05:36 PM   #20 (permalink)
 
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I can relate too. The fear of having done something offensive to someone, the percieved 'reason' they stop communicating with you has made me very anxious many times.
I find it helps to try and not seek the 'reason', over analysis only makes you more anxious. When you think about it a couple of times and don't uncover anything you've obviously done wrong, then it's not worth agonising about and the 'reason' isn't a problem with you. Probably they have their own personal reason for not continuing the freindship and they are not comfortable explaining this and don't perhaps appreciate how sensitive some people are.
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