I feel like I am trapped inside this strange awkward body. Everything I do, oozes of desperateness and want of approval. It's sickening. I think that I'm a good person and I can be friendly and likeable. But often, my thoughts just get in the ****ing way. Inexperience plagues me, and I rarely try. I give up easily and I'm incredibly passive. I mumble like I'm shy, do I not want my voice heard? I lower the bar on myself all the time. I make people nervous, make them finish their sentences quickly and look away. Eye contact with me is rare. Half the time I order things, the clerk asks me to repeat myself. It's true, I'm strange and unlikeable.
My childhood and lifelong complexes have followed me for some time. I know that it's conditioning, I know that is destructive. I constantly forget to modify my behavior, but will not hesitate to analyze my mistakes during a social event. Somehow these changes and attempts to think different don't stick.
I am so unhappy with myself, I feel so socially deprived. I live in a large college town where new friendships and bonds flourish constantly. Yet there are only a few people that I could call up at any time, just to "hang out". I know I have just one life, and I want it to be the best. But I'm scared. I'm too scared to try.
Sorry lots of rambling in there. Just got kind of rejected by a close person to me, and am feeling very inadequate right now. These are the thoughts that usually follow me, but they come out fully when things like this happen =(
edit: I wrote this when I was really high. Not saying what I wrote was untrue, it all still applies sober. It's interesting how easy it is for me to admit my feelings and figure out the root of issues when I'm high, anyone else like this?