warning: inside is depressing as hell

[endtroducing]

I feel like I am trapped inside this strange awkward body. Everything I do, oozes of desperateness and want of approval. It's sickening. I think that I'm a good person and I can be friendly and likeable. But often, my thoughts just get in the ****ing way. Inexperience plagues me, and I rarely try. I give up easily and I'm incredibly passive. I mumble like I'm shy, do I not want my voice heard? I lower the bar on myself all the time. I make people nervous, make them finish their sentences quickly and look away. Eye contact with me is rare. Half the time I order things, the clerk asks me to repeat myself. It's true, I'm strange and unlikeable.

My childhood and lifelong complexes have followed me for some time. I know that it's conditioning, I know that is destructive. I constantly forget to modify my behavior, but will not hesitate to analyze my mistakes during a social event. Somehow these changes and attempts to think different don't stick.

I am so unhappy with myself, I feel so socially deprived. I live in a large college town where new friendships and bonds flourish constantly. Yet there are only a few people that I could call up at any time, just to "hang out". I know I have just one life, and I want it to be the best. But I'm scared. I'm too scared to try.

Sorry lots of rambling in there. Just got kind of rejected by a close person to me, and am feeling very inadequate right now. These are the thoughts that usually follow me, but they come out fully when things like this happen =(

edit: I wrote this when I was really high. Not saying what I wrote was untrue, it all still applies sober. It's interesting how easy it is for me to admit my feelings and figure out the root of issues when I'm high, anyone else like this?

[jblazer]

Eventually you'll begin to realize how incredibly stupid it is to make yourself feel bad because you think you can't impress everyone.

[CircularThinking]

Sorry to hear that :/ Being rejected by someone important to you hurts even the most confident people. Just a matter of how quickly you can put it past you... as always though... easier said than done...

The fact that you do have a group of friends, however small, is evidence that you ARE likeable. Just perhaps a bit difficult to get to know.

And for whatever its worth, everyone I know who thoroughly enjoyed college was incredibly extroverted and their enjoyment hinged a lot on getting high and ****faced and having a lot of 1 night stands. That might be the standard most people use to define social happiness but not for me.

[aster]

the whole time i read what you wrote i sort of felt like i was reading a description of my inner thoughts.

what i have realized is that it's alot easier to beat ourselves down and prove to ourselves why we are inadequate than to try to take on a situation positively - especially when things have happen that hurt or made us doubt ourselves. and having the wrong attitude about social situations before they even arise isn't benefiting ourselves at all.

for me, i constantly worry about what someone is going to think of me, what i am saying wrong and how dumb i probably appear to this person. while i know that certain situations and my own biological nature have caused me to be like this and that it's not entirely logical, i still struggle to get past this worry.

plus when i notice something i don't like about my behavior i swear i will change it, and never act like it again. but it never happens.

i feel like when my thoughts jumbled up like this it makes it harder to communicate with others. i can relate with the feeling strange and unlikeable.

i dont know... guess i just felt like ranting also. just know that you arn't alone in feeling that way.

i've been seeing a therapist at my school and it seems to be helping. even just having someone to vent too and give me advice. have you tried anything like that before?

[dax]

Originally Posted by aster

the whole time i read what you wrote i sort of felt like i was reading a description of my inner thoughts.

Yeah- I can relate too. Especially the first couple sentences. I feel so alienated from the rest of humanity and even sometimes just what its like to be human being- as if I'm not one.

[papaSmurf]

I can associate with a lot of what you are saying here; I know on some level that I am a generally interesting and likable sort of person, but it can be hard to remember that in the moment, in the face of intense self-doubt and the chance of rejection. I feel like I have a lot of untapped potential, and I always end up doing what is easy and fits with my anxious behavior rather than what I would really want to do. For example, all of my friends at current are people that I can talk to easily, rather than people who I think are interesting. I'd love to push out of this cramped little comfort zone, but I guess I am afraid to try, to make a huge push to do better, and then find out that I'm not up to the task. Staying inside my current box allows me to avoid that sense of total failure, if that makes any sense.

[endtroducing]

Originally Posted by aster

plus when i notice something i don't like about my behavior i swear i will change it, and never act like it again. but it never happens.

...

i've been seeing a therapist at my school and it seems to be helping. even just having someone to vent too and give me advice. have you tried anything like that before?

Yep, I'll catch myself acting out of anxiety, and feel pretty embarrassed about it. So I tell myself to act differently next time, to think before I speak or act. But I rarely change or consciously think about it again.

I have seen a couple therapists at my school, and they are somewhat helpful. I'm running out of sessions, so I'll have to look outside campus and into the 'community' if I want to see someone during the summer. I'd really like to try a form of CBT or gestalt therapy, they seem very helpful for the anxious mind..

[endtroducing]

Originally Posted by papaSmurf

I feel like I have a lot of untapped potential, and I always end up doing what is easy and fits with my anxious behavior rather than what I would really want to do. For example, all of my friends at current are people that I can talk to easily, rather than people who I think are interesting. I'd love to push out of this cramped little comfort zone, but I guess I am afraid to try, to make a huge push to do better, and then find out that I'm not up to the task. Staying inside my current box allows me to avoid that sense of total failure, if that makes any sense.

Totally feel the same way! I see people at the bus stop, or waiting somewhere, and deep down, I want to start conversations with them and be friendly. But I always take the 'easiest' route. I'm afraid I won't be able to make conversation, and look socially incompetent, so I just don't try.

The box is comfortable to be in. Don't wanna push it, would rather avoid it..

I know the path of least resistance here is not really the simplest. It just perpetuates a vicious cycle of inadequacy and doubt. It's so bad yet I keep doing it, taking the easy way out. =(

[lastofthekews]

Everything you said, I feel the same way. I constantly feel not good enough, and feel that I would irritate people if I did talk to them. I also mumble when I talk - all the time people ask me to repeat myself or just don't hear me at all. I then feel ignored and more inadequate. I feel scared of doing anything all the time as well. I can really want to do things but get scared for no reason and so just go back into my shell again.

[Eleison]

There's nothing wrong in wanting to be liked.
In fact it's a pretty normal human need.

[endtroducing]

I think acceptance is something that everyone needs. The problem is I feel completely crushed when someone doesn't like me or approve of me. That just doesn't seem right =(

[deadwarrior666]

Originally Posted by endtroducing

I think acceptance is something that everyone needs. The problem is I feel completely crushed when someone doesn't like me or approve of me. That just doesn't seem right =(

Yes i used to feel like you when i thought i needed acceptance. But i dont need it anymore, i live for myself. i changed my attitude. I dont give F*** to what people think and this helped me a lot to overcome most of my SA.

Even i used to feel completly crushed when some one didnt liked me or rejected me but now i dont care. Am too feedup of caring for what others think.

now a days i go out with this attitude "if i meet new people and they dont like me.. then F*** them i dont care, i love the way i am"

always remember there will be people who will reject you and people who will accept you. people who will like you and people who will dislike you.. you cant make everyone happy