Trying to explain

[Dying note]

Sometimes I regret ever asking for help with my anxiety. I'm a terrible communicator, so explaining my thought pattern does nothing more than make me feel like a fool, even moreso when I do explain it and am told how ridiculous it all is. I already feel on the edge, and every mistake I make seems to cut deeper into me (I'm realizing how much of a perfecrtionist I really am). I seem to think that everything has room for improvement, everything except my own mind--my own behaviors.

I guess I've been trying to 'fix' what's not able to be. Over the years it's like I've been tearing myself apart all because I've allowed other people's questions of "why are you so quiet" or their stupid comments get into my head. Feeling so 'wrong' and out of place makes me wonder what the point is, for me to bother anymore. I'm not traditional and don't want the things it seems we're supposed to want in life, you know? I don't buy into it anymore.

This post is probably a waste of space on this site, but I think I've been needing to talk, even if no one listens. Maybe it's just frustration with existing at all that's causing me to lose patience with myself and my anxiety issues. It's hard to manage with day to day things when you're supposed to be improving, but you feel you're only getting worse. I think that's where I'm at right now.

[sobefear]

I feel ya man. Its so damn frustrating talking to people, even about something I'm very knowledgeable of, but my brain instantly becomes blank, or scrambled. If i get asked a question, I'll look around, pretending to think about it. I do so very badly want to talk to people. And I know what ya mean about not wanting to ask for help in the first place. Now, people seem to walk on eggshells when talking to me, thinking I might get depressed if i become uncomfortable or something, and they make obvious, straight forward attempts at trying to make me happy, but I'd rather just have a normal, functioning brain that doesn't need any maintenance, or vices. It's strange to watch people who can speak so freely. I envy them. To communicate your ideas, thoughts and feeling to others, and to receive them back from others seems like it should be biologically standard. I'm going to a therapist and taking antidepressants for it. I've also failed many college classes and have a low GPA because of it. Have you sought psychological help? Or have been prescribed any medication?

[Canadian Brotha]

I relate, I'm at a point where I'm not buying into what society wants for me & trying to change this thinking around is a task along with negative thoughts about the social interaction I do have

[Dying note]

Originally Posted by sobefear

I feel ya man. Its so damn frustrating talking to people, even about something I'm very knowledgeable of, but my brain instantly becomes blank, or scrambled. If i get asked a question, I'll look around, pretending to think about it. I do so very badly want to talk to people. And I know what ya mean about not wanting to ask for help in the first place. Now, people seem to walk on eggshells when talking to me, thinking I might get depressed if i become uncomfortable or something, and they make obvious, straight forward attempts at trying to make me happy, but I'd rather just have a normal, functioning brain that doesn't need any maintenance, or vices. It's strange to watch people who can speak so freely. I envy them. To communicate your ideas, thoughts and feeling to others, and to receive them back from others seems like it should be biologically standard. I'm going to a therapist and taking antidepressants for it. I've also failed many college classes and have a low GPA because of it. Have you sought psychological help? Or have been prescribed any medication?

Yes, I've been in therapy for almost two years now, and have been prescribed Zoloft for my anxiety/depression. I'm not sure anything is working though. People notice I'm not excited about what I do or about the opportunities I'm given, and it would seem like the end of my world if I had to explain why. When I speak, I hesitate before each word in order to try and think it through and not embarrass myself so much. And since my voice is so quiet, I usually have to repeat myself (the worst...). I've been thinking increasing my dosage of Zoloft may be a better option to try.

I'm sorry to hear about how school has turned out for you. I'm surprised that my grades have been as good as they are, but even so, it means nothing if I can't calm my anxiety enough or become motivated enough to seek out a job. I seem to always say why bother looking when there's so much wrong with me that cannot be fixed.