Social Anxiety Support

Memories · 01-01-2009, 05:26 AM

sometimes, the lack of people even bothering to notice you makes you want to curl up into a ball, run away, and just cry. and more than a few times, I've been through that. I know, for a fact, that I'm blowing things WAYYY out of proportion, maybe even looking for signs that people dislike me, even if it is something small, and simple. I've gotten so paranoid that even if someone else is praised (for instance my older sister), I'll become incredibly instable as to my own image, and doubt myself, get jealous, and feel unloved. The problem is, even if i do end up getting attention, i don't want it, because i have no idea how to react, and keep on wishing that they would go away. And of course, they go back to my sis. It makes me incredibly frustrated.
What bothers me even more, is the fact that i'm bored by nearly everything, nothing is funny to me, but i laugh anyways, because i don't want a moment of awkwardness between us, or them to feel like they made a lame joke, but eventually, i end up feeling horrible, and unhappy, fake laughing. I feel like being a lone, but at the same time, i don't want to be. The sad thing is, moments in which i am happy, or feel "normal", then i get so emotional that i want to cry, because it feels like it won't last. my own memories and pictures of the past make me cry, knowing that that one moment of happiness, is something that i can never go back to.

It's in those moments that it makes me think, wouldn't it be better to not be here? so maybe i'll end up saving some air, some water, something for someone who needs it more. It makes me think, do i deserve it? deserve to live at all? am i of any significance here, or am i wasting breath?

The most frustrating thing is, not a single one of my family members understand, that i have issues, or be in the least supportive to me. I've had my grandmother tell me that i should have never been born, unprovoked. crying doesn't ease the pain very much at all.

Metric · 01-01-2009, 05:50 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Memories

I know, for a fact, that I'm blowing things WAYYY out of proportion, maybe even looking for signs that people dislike me, even if it is something small, and simple. I've gotten so paranoid that even if someone else is praised (for instance my older sister), I'll become incredibly instable as to my own image, and doubt myself, get jealous, and feel unloved. The problem is, even if i do end up getting attention, i don't want it, because i have no idea how to react, and keep on wishing that they would go away. And of course, they go back to my sis. It makes me incredibly frustrated.

I do the exact same thing. The logic for me behind it is 'well, if I hate me, why would they like me?' or 'if other people in the past rejected me socially, then i am clearly the common denominator, and im the one with the problems and i am to blame.'

This is basically my biggest issue right now, and it is so comforting to see someone with the same problem. A lot of the time on this board, although it is incredibly helpful to me, I feel as though sometimes I am misunderstood or simply, no one here likes me or wants me to post here. I know it sounds lame and stuff but yeah, thats the SA talking I guess

I even get worried if people think I overuse the

smiley guy haha.

Anyways, luckily, I was able to not be around the person in my family who was the main contributor to my self esteem issues; my mother. The fact that my parents got divorced is seen as a blessing to me, because she really made my life hell for the first 12 years of my life. I totally understand what you mean when you talk about your family, and how you feel like you dont belong or that they dont love you. I have jealousy issues with my older sister as well, but mine are a little different than yours. My sister was constantly getting in trouble with the law; when I was 9 years old, I saw her get arrested outside our house. She always got all of the attention, even if it was negative, and to this day, I am still 'the normal child'(even if that isnt the case), because I am apparently the least ****ed up.

I just want you to have what I feel I sometimes dont have; and thats a place where someone is willing to listen to you and to make you feel comfortable for feeling the way you do. Youre not the only one feeling alone and confused by social situations.

Sorry for my long post, Im not a creep I swear

nightwalker · 01-01-2009, 08:06 AM

i hate fake laughing. thats all i do. people think i'm a freak for that because i smile at things i'm supposed to be bad at.

i feel exactly the same as u

01-01-2009, 05:26 AM	#1 (permalink)
Memories Status: SAS Member Join Date: Jan 2009 Gender: Female Posts: 8	Too little, too much. sometimes, the lack of people even bothering to notice you makes you want to curl up into a ball, run away, and just cry. and more than a few times, I've been through that. I know, for a fact, that I'm blowing things WAYYY out of proportion, maybe even looking for signs that people dislike me, even if it is something small, and simple. I've gotten so paranoid that even if someone else is praised (for instance my older sister), I'll become incredibly instable as to my own image, and doubt myself, get jealous, and feel unloved. The problem is, even if i do end up getting attention, i don't want it, because i have no idea how to react, and keep on wishing that they would go away. And of course, they go back to my sis. It makes me incredibly frustrated. What bothers me even more, is the fact that i'm bored by nearly everything, nothing is funny to me, but i laugh anyways, because i don't want a moment of awkwardness between us, or them to feel like they made a lame joke, but eventually, i end up feeling horrible, and unhappy, fake laughing. I feel like being a lone, but at the same time, i don't want to be. The sad thing is, moments in which i am happy, or feel "normal", then i get so emotional that i want to cry, because it feels like it won't last. my own memories and pictures of the past make me cry, knowing that that one moment of happiness, is something that i can never go back to. It's in those moments that it makes me think, wouldn't it be better to not be here? so maybe i'll end up saving some air, some water, something for someone who needs it more. It makes me think, do i deserve it? deserve to live at all? am i of any significance here, or am i wasting breath? The most frustrating thing is, not a single one of my family members understand, that i have issues, or be in the least supportive to me. I've had my grandmother tell me that i should have never been born, unprovoked. crying doesn't ease the pain very much at all.

01-01-2009, 08:06 AM	#3 (permalink)
nightwalker Status: confused and in pain Join Date: Nov 2008 Location: Nowhere. I am lost in my soul. Gender: Female Posts: 921	i hate fake laughing. thats all i do. people think i'm a freak for that because i smile at things i'm supposed to be bad at. i feel exactly the same as u __________________ Before: After: