Social Anxiety Support

MPS · 11-07-2009, 01:55 PM

About two years ago I became friends with a (female) colleague at work. We started chatting and our personalities clicked. As what usually happens to me in these situations, I saw this as an romantic opportunity, but never made it obvious. Instead I waited to see whether she would offer an "invitation" or a sign that she was interested. She didn't, nevertheless, we have remained friends, going for walks at lunch and having a meal every month. The last couple of months she has become a bit distant, the walks have ceased and last week something really odd happened. We were all set to go for a meal on Friday, but she told me at the beginning of the week that she would have to pass as she wasn't feeling too well. This past Friday I was waiting for the bus just outside of work and saw her driving off with another guy to play Tennis (she's a massive tennis fan and plays regularly). As I looked at them driving by, I could swear that she saw me, but pretended she didn't - This was pretty painful.

The whole situation has thrown me off completely and ruined my weekend. Why couldn't she tell me that she wanted to play Tennis instead of lying about some mystery illness? I really don't know what to think anymore. I assume that she will ask to go for the meal on Friday, but I am so enraged at her behaviour that I want to tell her that I can't make it. However, I really don't want her to know that I'm worked up about this, but I feel that she takes me for granted and thinks she can cancel plans whenever she feels like it - completetly disregarding how I may feel about it.

Are my feelings justified? I mean, am I right to be angry or is she the innocent party in this episode? I have to ask because my insecurities and paranoia have skewered my thinking and I don't know If I am being rational or blowing everything out of proportion. I have very few friends as it is, but If I am going to be treated as a doormat, I would prefer that this relationship petered out.

I still have feelings for her, which also doesn't help (then again, I have feelings for any female that shows me a hint of attention).

stewbert · 11-07-2009, 03:49 PM

You have every right to be angry. As for ending the friendship, is this an isolated incident? If she's never done anything like this before, I'd let her know it upset you (easier said than done, I know) and try to stay friends. It's good that you have someone to hang out with at work and go to dinner with, even if it's only every once in a while. But if she starts making a habit of lying to you and treating you as a doormat as you said, then I'd definitely say the friendship has run its course. You deserve better than that.

Axelis · 11-07-2009, 03:50 PM

I'd feel the exact same way if I were you. I think ending the friendship is a bit extreme though. I know I'd want to, but I try not to burn bridges. You never know what can come from a friendly relationship.

I can't say I understand women, but perhaps she was interested in you as well but got tired of waiting.

I'd also say that she didn't want to hurt you by changing her plans, which means she does care about your feelings.

It would probably be a bad idea to confront her about it, unless you can do it without getting frustrated with her. If she wants to do something with you Friday, or anytime for that matter, I think you should go. Don't distance yourself and ruin the friendship that way. I'd say for most of us with SA, we got to hold onto whatever we have.

What she did definitely wasn't polite, but in her mind it probably seemed like the best choice. It's not like she intended you to see her just to hurt you.

How assertive are you in the relationship? Do you invite her to stuff or actively involve her? Maybe she feels you just aren't interested in her.

Anyway, the best advice I can give you is not to be too hasty to end a friendship.

Shiftless Body · 11-07-2009, 03:50 PM

The situation you’ve described sounds pretty hurtful, I’m sorry about that.

However I don’t think you should retaliate by canceling further meal plans. That definitely won’t help the problem at all. If you are comfortable enough, try and bring up your emotions about the incident. Be subtle about it, but do your best to let her know that this occurrence has confused and upset you. I know it can seem really awkward, but it might be essential if you want to maintain an open and honest relationship with her. I hope this kind of helped.

MPS · 11-08-2009, 12:10 AM

Really constructive and helpful comments guys, many thanks.

Like all of you have mentioned, it's probably not worth ending the friendship, but she has to know that she cannot exhibit such behaviour and expect me to tolerate it. I am not really an asertive person, tbh, which, I think, makes it easier for people to take me for granted.

I'll let you know how it goes.

jane · 11-08-2009, 06:15 AM

-Are you mad because she cancelled your plans to hang out with someone else, or because that someone else was a guy? If after two years, you are still hoping for something more, and if it hurts you to see her with somebody else, maybe you need to phase out this friendship, because it sounds unhealthy for you.
-If you just like her company, then maybe you can talk to her about it. Maybe not focus on how you are "enraged" and "worked up," but what she can do to fix things- namely, if next time, she wants to cancel your plans to do something else, she should tell you directly and not lie. Or she should only make plans if she knows she can keep them.
-Whatever you do, cool down first, because you sound really (and justifiably) angry right now and we don't make the best choices when we are angry.

Pialicious88 · 11-08-2009, 06:17 AM

damn she sounds like a real bish, why would she lie? oh wait ppl do that

hushhush · 11-08-2009, 08:03 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MPS

About two years ago I became friends with a (female) colleague at work. We started chatting and our personalities clicked. As what usually happens to me in these situations, I saw this as an romantic opportunity, but never made it obvious. Instead I waited to see whether she would offer an "invitation" or a sign that she was interested. She didn't, nevertheless, we have remained friends, going for walks at lunch and having a meal every month. The last couple of months she has become a bit distant, the walks have ceased and last week something really odd happened. We were all set to go for a meal on Friday, but she told me at the beginning of the week that she would have to pass as she wasn't feeling too well. This past Friday I was waiting for the bus just outside of work and saw her driving off with another guy to play Tennis (she's a massive tennis fan and plays regularly). As I looked at them driving by, I could swear that she saw me, but pretended she didn't - This was pretty painful.

The whole situation has thrown me off completely and ruined my weekend. Why couldn't she tell me that she wanted to play Tennis instead of lying about some mystery illness? I really don't know what to think anymore. I assume that she will ask to go for the meal on Friday, but I am so enraged at her behaviour that I want to tell her that I can't make it. However, I really don't want her to know that I'm worked up about this, but I feel that she takes me for granted and thinks she can cancel plans whenever she feels like it - completetly disregarding how I may feel about it.

Are my feelings justified? I mean, am I right to be angry or is she the innocent party in this episode? I have to ask because my insecurities and paranoia have skewered my thinking and I don't know If I am being rational or blowing everything out of proportion. I have very few friends as it is, but If I am going to be treated as a doormat, I would prefer that this relationship petered out.

I still have feelings for her, which also doesn't help (then again, I have feelings for any female that shows me a hint of attention).

use the invite as an opportunity to bring up to her that you saw her on Friday and you know she wasn't sick. I woudn't drop the friendship completely. If you think she'll ask you to eat again then obviously she still likes you. To me it's sort of puzzling because she told you she was sick on monday and she had a whole week to get better. to me that's kind of weird. i would have waited til Thursday if i was still sick, not monday.

anomalous · 11-08-2009, 09:32 AM

I think you had the right idea before everyone else shared their opinions. I know from experience that allowing someone (in particular, a girl who you have or have had feelings for) to walk all over your dignity like this leads to more regret in the future than does the temporary loneliness of losing a friendship. If she approaches you about having lunch soon, I'd definitely take the opportunity to shoot her down.

Graye · 11-08-2009, 10:58 PM

Either she was interested and got tired of waiting, knew you were interested so didn't want to hurt you by lying, or one of a bunch of other reasons.

I actually had this happen once. Became best friends with a co-worker, asked her out, said yes, went out for a while, but we didn't click well outside the office. After some lost contact, became friends again, but she started dropping plans after a while. All the signs were there, and I knew that she was seeing someone inside, just stupidly ignored it (yes, I still liked her).

Once it came out, I ended it, and looking back, it was the right call. If she didn't keep it a secret, avoid answering the question when I brought it up multiple times, and blatantly lied a few times, I would have been somewhat ambivalent. The whole breach of trust thing doesn't help relationships. Funny. In her mind, she probably thought she was letting me down easy.

11-07-2009, 01:55 PM	#1 (permalink)
MPS Status: SAS Member Join Date: Oct 2005 Location: London, England Age: 29 Posts: 130	Thinking about ending a friendship About two years ago I became friends with a (female) colleague at work. We started chatting and our personalities clicked. As what usually happens to me in these situations, I saw this as an romantic opportunity, but never made it obvious. Instead I waited to see whether she would offer an "invitation" or a sign that she was interested. She didn't, nevertheless, we have remained friends, going for walks at lunch and having a meal every month. The last couple of months she has become a bit distant, the walks have ceased and last week something really odd happened. We were all set to go for a meal on Friday, but she told me at the beginning of the week that she would have to pass as she wasn't feeling too well. This past Friday I was waiting for the bus just outside of work and saw her driving off with another guy to play Tennis (she's a massive tennis fan and plays regularly). As I looked at them driving by, I could swear that she saw me, but pretended she didn't - This was pretty painful. The whole situation has thrown me off completely and ruined my weekend. Why couldn't she tell me that she wanted to play Tennis instead of lying about some mystery illness? I really don't know what to think anymore. I assume that she will ask to go for the meal on Friday, but I am so enraged at her behaviour that I want to tell her that I can't make it. However, I really don't want her to know that I'm worked up about this, but I feel that she takes me for granted and thinks she can cancel plans whenever she feels like it - completetly disregarding how I may feel about it. Are my feelings justified? I mean, am I right to be angry or is she the innocent party in this episode? I have to ask because my insecurities and paranoia have skewered my thinking and I don't know If I am being rational or blowing everything out of proportion. I have very few friends as it is, but If I am going to be treated as a doormat, I would prefer that this relationship petered out. I still have feelings for her, which also doesn't help (then again, I have feelings for any female that shows me a hint of attention). __________________ It's not like the movies, they fed us all little white lies.

11-07-2009, 03:50 PM	#4 (permalink)
Shiftless Body Status: Senses being dulled Join Date: May 2009 Location: Virginia Gender: Male Age: 17 Posts: 49	The situation you’ve described sounds pretty hurtful, I’m sorry about that. However I don’t think you should retaliate by canceling further meal plans. That definitely won’t help the problem at all. If you are comfortable enough, try and bring up your emotions about the incident. Be subtle about it, but do your best to let her know that this occurrence has confused and upset you. I know it can seem really awkward, but it might be essential if you want to maintain an open and honest relationship with her. I hope this kind of helped. __________________ "The degree of civilization in a society can be judged by entering its prisons." - Fyodor Dostoevsky http://www.last.fm/user/Blog_Videos My last.fm

11-08-2009, 12:10 AM	#5 (permalink)
MPS Status: SAS Member Join Date: Oct 2005 Location: London, England Age: 29 Posts: 130	Really constructive and helpful comments guys, many thanks. Like all of you have mentioned, it's probably not worth ending the friendship, but she has to know that she cannot exhibit such behaviour and expect me to tolerate it. I am not really an asertive person, tbh, which, I think, makes it easier for people to take me for granted. I'll let you know how it goes. __________________ It's not like the movies, they fed us all little white lies.

11-08-2009, 06:17 AM	#7 (permalink)
Pialicious88 Status: OH MY GAH Join Date: Sep 2009 Location: a ****hole Gender: Female Posts: 232	damn she sounds like a real bish, why would she lie? oh wait ppl do that __________________ Music is my shield I feel trapped inside my own brain, maybe i'm already insane

11-07-2009, 03:49 PM	#2 (permalink)
stewbert Status: SAS Member Join Date: Apr 2009 Location: Memphis Gender: Female Age: 25 Posts: 71	You have every right to be angry. As for ending the friendship, is this an isolated incident? If she's never done anything like this before, I'd let her know it upset you (easier said than done, I know) and try to stay friends. It's good that you have someone to hang out with at work and go to dinner with, even if it's only every once in a while. But if she starts making a habit of lying to you and treating you as a doormat as you said, then I'd definitely say the friendship has run its course. You deserve better than that.

11-07-2009, 03:50 PM	#3 (permalink)
Axelis Status: SAS Member Join Date: Jul 2009 Posts: 19	I'd feel the exact same way if I were you. I think ending the friendship is a bit extreme though. I know I'd want to, but I try not to burn bridges. You never know what can come from a friendly relationship. I can't say I understand women, but perhaps she was interested in you as well but got tired of waiting. I'd also say that she didn't want to hurt you by changing her plans, which means she does care about your feelings. It would probably be a bad idea to confront her about it, unless you can do it without getting frustrated with her. If she wants to do something with you Friday, or anytime for that matter, I think you should go. Don't distance yourself and ruin the friendship that way. I'd say for most of us with SA, we got to hold onto whatever we have. What she did definitely wasn't polite, but in her mind it probably seemed like the best choice. It's not like she intended you to see her just to hurt you. How assertive are you in the relationship? Do you invite her to stuff or actively involve her? Maybe she feels you just aren't interested in her. Anyway, the best advice I can give you is not to be too hasty to end a friendship.

11-08-2009, 06:15 AM	#6 (permalink)
jane Status: SAS Member Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: Canada Posts: 755	-Are you mad because she cancelled your plans to hang out with someone else, or because that someone else was a guy? If after two years, you are still hoping for something more, and if it hurts you to see her with somebody else, maybe you need to phase out this friendship, because it sounds unhealthy for you. -If you just like her company, then maybe you can talk to her about it. Maybe not focus on how you are "enraged" and "worked up," but what she can do to fix things- namely, if next time, she wants to cancel your plans to do something else, she should tell you directly and not lie. Or she should only make plans if she knows she can keep them. -Whatever you do, cool down first, because you sound really (and justifiably) angry right now and we don't make the best choices when we are angry.

11-08-2009, 09:32 AM	#9 (permalink)
anomalous Status: SAS Member Join Date: Jun 2004 Location: USA Gender: Male Age: 22 Posts: 442	I think you had the right idea before everyone else shared their opinions. I know from experience that allowing someone (in particular, a girl who you have or have had feelings for) to walk all over your dignity like this leads to more regret in the future than does the temporary loneliness of losing a friendship. If she approaches you about having lunch soon, I'd definitely take the opportunity to shoot her down.

11-08-2009, 10:58 PM	#10 (permalink)
Graye Status: SAS Member Join Date: Jan 2009 Location: Canada Gender: Male Posts: 164	Either she was interested and got tired of waiting, knew you were interested so didn't want to hurt you by lying, or one of a bunch of other reasons. I actually had this happen once. Became best friends with a co-worker, asked her out, said yes, went out for a while, but we didn't click well outside the office. After some lost contact, became friends again, but she started dropping plans after a while. All the signs were there, and I knew that she was seeing someone inside, just stupidly ignored it (yes, I still liked her). Once it came out, I ended it, and looking back, it was the right call. If she didn't keep it a secret, avoid answering the question when I brought it up multiple times, and blatantly lied a few times, I would have been somewhat ambivalent. The whole breach of trust thing doesn't help relationships. Funny. In her mind, she probably thought she was letting me down easy.