The Horror (Public Speaking 1113)
It's 4AM and I am already awake for the day, but I don't want to be. However, I am too nervous to get back to sleep, so I might as well make a post about why that is.
Later on today (Tuesday, January 15th), I will meet my Public Speaking class for the first time, and despite what my coherent wording may imply, I think I am in fact quite close to having a nervous breakdown or maybe even a psychotic episode (and I'm not joking). I've been experiencing overwhelming blasts of thoughts and inner voices (voices of my own, voices from memories in the past where something socially bad happened to me, etc), and I fear that I'm going to lose whatever mental balance I've achieved over the past two years because of this one stupid class.
Yesterday, I spent about an hour in the office of one of my college's disability support specialists, and we got things in order for my accommodations to be emailed to all my teachers that afternoon. We also thought it would be best for me and the teacher of the Public Speaking class I am taking to have a meeting/conference in the presence of the DSS who was working with me. The thing is, we can't possibly have this conference until after my first Public Speaking class meets, so any "exit strategies" (or escape plans, really) that might be necessary for me in the event that my SA escalate into a full-blown panic attack will not be discussed until after our first class meeting. The teacher will have gotten the email concerning my accommodations (which basically bar me from having to participate in a class such as this one that is devoted to everything that contributes to my SA, hence the need for a conference with me and the teacher of the class so we can both understand and handle the situation as best as we can), but I do not know how she will respond during class without our having had the conference yet. It's all to be kept strictly confidential, so she can't breathe a word of any of it during class, but I'm wondering how things are going to pan out.
I know it's probably not the best choice, but as you can see in my signature, I have access to plenty of Xanax. I imagine it will come down to me taking one or two day's worth of Xanax tomorrow before class. But I can't do that twice a week until May.
If I have the reaction I foresee myself having during our first class meeting, then I really do not know what will happen. If I have a panic attack in there on the first day, I'm pretty sure I can kiss my half-*** mental stability goodbye and then quickly drown back down into that pit of hopelessness where the anxiety is so bad that I just want to die.
Why is this stupid class required for everyone?
The psycho pile of panic formerly known as Korey
Wellbutrin SR 300mg, Eskalith CR 900mg, Luvox 100mg
Things I have tried:
Lexapro, Zoloft, Celexa, Prozac, Paxil, Effexor XR, Remeron, Wellbutrin SR, Eskalith CR, Topamax, Valium, Xanax, Ativan, Ambien, Restoril, Desyrel, Ritalin, Adderall, Dexedrine, Inderal, Lopressor, Thorazine, Lamictal, Abilify, Depakote, Geodon, Seroquel, doxepin, chloral hydrate