Lover of cats & piggies
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Cincinnati, Ohio
I have a similar problem, but luckily it doesn't flare up all the time. Some days I'm totally fine. I love those days!!! Other days I'm scared, and I don't even have a reason for it some of the time. Like today, I'm going to stay at a friend's house for a few days. I haven't been to his house in like a year, and I'm glad to finally spend some time with him. At the same time, I'm scared to leave my house. Why? I don't know. My husband will take care of the place and feed the kitty. Got no reason to fear being at Corey's (my friend) place, he and his boyfriend are awesome people and his boyfriend's mom and grandma are nice, too. So what the hell's my problem? I almost called to postpone the visit several times but I refused to let myself do that. But I couldn't relax until I did something, so I shortened the visit by one day so I'll be coming home Saturday night instead of Sunday morning.
This kind of problem behavior creeps up on me with all my friends, not just one in particular. I've only been to my friend Brian's new apartment once, because it's three or four hours away from my house and I'm scared to be so far away from home. I rarely stay the night at Diane's, who lives only a short bus ride away, because I feel wrong being there instead of at home.
I long to go out with friends more, but I get nervous that my presence will hold them back in some way because I'm poor, I don't drive and you couldn't pay me to spent the night at a bar or night club and most of my friends are in their early twenties and think that's THE PLACE TO BE. My friend Sid is like the Queen of Strip Clubs. I'm rather crawl in a hole than go to one or to admit that I'd slept with three male strippers- at once! Sid has no problem telling everyone, including places like my house in front of my other friends or when we're dining at a restaurant! I'm been to a (normal) club once, for my friend Billy's drag show, and it wasn't so bad since the focus was on the performance and not on me, but I still felt out of place. Most of the time I sit at home wishing I was somewhere else, and when I'm somewhere else I'm often reminding myself that "It's okay, I'll be home at -insert random time here-".
And before you point out that I might be more relaxed with more "normal" people, I'm actually WORSE. I don't handle normal adults well. I feel I like I stand out and am being judged, even if I'm doing nothing other than sitting at the same table. With my friends, I always feel loved and accepted for who I am, even if I'm anxious or afraid.