I'm sensitive. I get that all types of people will say that about themselves but I'm really
sensitive. I think I'm actually a HSP if you've heard of that before (means highly sensitive person
). My mum and sister are always saying I take things too personally but the way they tell me that isn't really helpful either. They usually say it angrily, like it's some sort of defect I've chosen to have and that I could fix at any time if I tried (who knows how they think). Sometimes I think my mum is ridiculous with what she thinks. Her and one of her brothers are kind of 'spirtual' and she's always telling me about the stuff they talk about on the phone (he lives a couple of hrs away). One time she was telling me how she and he thought they were both HSPs and she started saying how sensitive she is and all this crap. I sort of just sat there nodding along with what she was saying but I really don't think she's anywhere near
as sensitive as me. She, for example, can shake things off. I can't. I feel incredibly upset whenever someone insults me or picks on me in some way. I think I'm just overall sick of having people be negative towards me.
My current room at this rented house has a pretty crappy window. It's one of those ones that needs to be held up with something (I use a piece of wood) otherwise it will slam down. If I don't open it for awhile, it will get stuck and it'll be really hard to open it (or you'll open it and it'll get stuck open
). Well I've had it open recently but I closed it the other day and it has rained since so I'm thinking maybe that made it harder to open again because it just will not open
. It's really annoying because I was starting to get hot so I tried to open it earlier in the day but it wouldn't budge. So I turned my fan on low, but the moment my mum came home, I switched it off.
A little later though, I started getting hot again so I put it back on low. She came in my room for something and I gently asked if it was okay I had the fan on (I explained briefly about the window being jammed). She didn't say anything so I asked if she'd heard what I said and she nodded. She didn't seem bothered at all. I figured she was in a good mood.. or she was in a decent
mood at least.
So then a short time later, she gets up and walks towards my window, so I ask her if she's going to try and open it, and snaps back at me that she doesn't want a $500 bill so she has to. I know I should be very used to her mood swings by now but it just sort of surprised me that she was suddenly being all *****y about it. I calmly said I thought it was okay I had the fan on and she angrily said something about a big bill again. Then I forget what was said, I think I said something like, "you don't have to snap at me." Big mistake I guess. She yelled at me that she wasn't
(ha ha) and that I apparently expect her to say, "Yes Rachel!" in a friendly voice to everything.. I think she meant I apparently expected that if I told her I had my fan on, she'd pleasantly say that was fine and that'd be it.. I don't know why she thinks I would think this way. I know she's terrifying when it comes to stuff like power bills. She can be really mean about it though. Thankfully
she hasn't used this one in awhile, but she used to always say if we used too much power and made her get really big bills, we'd have to go back and live with my dad. This was more of an empty threat, but her actually taunting me like that... basically living with my dad contributed to who I am today a lot
. We were all extremely unhappy living with one another so her saying that is just cruel, imo.
It's so silly that something like her talking to me in a *****y voice like that gets to me this much. These are the types of things I, try as I might, can't stop thinking about for ages after. I just wish I could have a normal mother (whatever that is) who didn't have to be in these foul moods all the time. How she thinks it doesn't effect me is beyond me. But then again, she doesn't even think I struggle with any type of anxiety so who knows what she thinks.
Is anyone else very sensitive?