Paranoid that my 'best friend' is talking about me behind my back

[dkriot]

I have this friend who I consider my closet friend, but I am sure to other people it doesn't look that way. I mean beggars can't be choosers. She always complains about her other friends to me and at times can be very cruel and revealing their secrets.

I am really afraid that she does the same to her other friends about me. This is frightening to me and why I am hesitant to hang out with her anymore. But as a person with limited social life I need to hang on to any contacts I have or face being alone. I'd like to think that we are that close that she can vent to me but I have a feeling that it's just her personality. What am I supposed to do?

[Lottoman]

Originally Posted by dkriot

I have this friend who I consider my closet friend, but I am sure to other people it doesn't look that way. I mean beggars can't be choosers. She always complains about her other friends to me and at times can be very cruel and revealing their secrets.

I am really afraid that she does the same to her other friends about me. This is frightening to me and why I am hesitant to hang out with her anymore. But as a person with limited social life I need to hang on to any contacts I have or face being alone. I'd like to think that we are that close that she can vent to me but I have a feeling that it's just her personality. What am I supposed to do?

Key words in bold. If someone is constantly criticizing their "friends" and revealing their secrets then that means they like to hang around with people they have little respect for. It sort of kind of might be a different situation if it were a family member who they were forced to live with or a co-worker/classmate they were obligated to work with. But if it's a friend, that means they choose to be with that person despite not liking them.

I honestly don't know what you should do. I've seen people talk behind their friends back a lot, so this kind of behavior must be pretty normal for a large portion of society.

[Syndacus]

I've grown used to this and assume every single friend does this, whether it be minor gossip or telling a secret to others.

[dkriot]

Originally Posted by Lottoman

Key words in bold. If someone is constantly criticizing their "friends" and revealing their secrets then that means they like to hang around with people they have little respect for. It sort of kind of might be a different situation if it were a family member who they were forced to live with or a co-worker/classmate they were obligated to work with. But if it's a friend, that means they choose to be with that person despite not liking them.

I honestly don't know what you should do. I've seen people talk behind their friends back a lot, so this kind of behavior must be pretty normal for a large portion of society.

This is what I am afraid of. If I had lots of friends I would just cut ties but when you have troubles finding and keeping friends everyone really counts. Even if they are not an ideal match.

[Sameer]

Originally Posted by dkriot

I have this friend who I consider my closet friend, but I am sure to other people it doesn't look that way. I mean beggars can't be choosers. She always complains about her other friends to me and at times can be very cruel and revealing their secrets.

I am really afraid that she does the same to her other friends about me. This is frightening to me and why I am hesitant to hang out with her anymore. But as a person with limited social life I need to hang on to any contacts I have or face being alone. I'd like to think that we are that close that she can vent to me but I have a feeling that it's just her personality. What am I supposed to do?

Your friend doesn't seem to be a good person.I mean, the fact is...No good person use to complain about other friends they have to us.If they do...tehn sure they will talk about us to them as well..So no doubt your friend is talking behind ur back..I dont have any friend who talks about me behind my back.1st of all i dont have any friend.There are relatives of mine who are like that.They smile infront of the face and talks behind our back.They dont feel any shame about it.That is why i dont like them.I dont talk with them.I dont respect them.They are nothing in my view.They suck.There are many people in this world who are like that.We just dont need to keep friendship with such people.

[Faith012]

well it seems like your friend is a sneaky one and might just be a backstabber you say she talks about her other friends and a person that talks bad about another person usually talks about you as well so i suggest to be very careful w/ her

[Knowbody]

most people


men and women



are gossip girls....



thus is life



just be careful what u tell people

[rawrguy]

Dump the ***** if you think she is hurting you more than helping. I used to have a douchebag "best friend" who had the honor of doing that to me with no explaination whatsoever. I understand what you're going through though because I have no social life whatsoever. FML.

[mapthesoul]

Yeah I'm in a similar situation as you. I also have a friend who I'm "close" with yet I can barely trust her. I've come to notice that she makes up lies in order to socialize with other people, even if it means hurting others including me. She uses her insults, gossip, etc. to befriend others. I don't like her that much and I wonder how she had grown to be my friend. However if I were to stop hanging around her, I wouldn't have any friends left.

I guess my only advice for you is to try and find others who you can relate to, make friends with them, and lose your "best friend." You deserve someone who you truly get along with. Someone you can trust.

[brittneyann]

Thats exactly how my best friend is.
I know she talks about me behind my back, but she's my only friend so I'm afraid to let her go.

[lightsout]

I agree with lottoman, that it's not a good sign when someone does such things (ie: how can you be sure they won't do it to you -- like the classic "see how they treat a waiter or other service-worker" test) and also that it's hard to tell how bad it is because many people do it to varying degree. Perhaps said friend views your friendship as "real" and the others are just acquaintances (not that it makes it much better, but maybe it makes your personal information more secure - ie: they're not ok telling things about you). Without knowing the exact details of what sort of things are said it's hard to know how malicious everything is (ie: what exactly is meant by "complain about" - as I've joke-complained to casual-friends about how my best friend has a habit of cancelling on get-togethers at the last second (and they laughed & agreed he does have a habit of that) --> it's technically a complaint but it was more of a venting-statement than maliciously saying something behind his back).

If it makes ya feel better, I was recently paranoid that my best friend made up something negative said about me by a girl who rejected me (she never did it to my face, I found out from him - so I had to trust the info he had) -- my reasoning that he didn't want to keep dealing with all the stuff I was "pouring" on him (post rejection) and thought it would get me mad @ her & move on (as his advice had basically just been "put it in the past" "move on", etc etc). Though to be fair part of that thought could also be because bad feelings (rejection) came via other people & my memories w/her were happy-fun times so I couldn't accept she would feel that way/say-something negative like that.

(the feelings died down, but there's still a kernel left - if only because he's still being distant & we haven't talked much at all, let alone about my 'troubles' --> so I can't suss out if he's still receptive or not (and if we do start talking frequently again there's not a normal way to bring everything back up "hey, let's go back to all the that stuff that happened to me weeks ago).

[dkriot]

So what can you do? I mean if I had a wide circle of friends this wouldn't be a problem. If you can only mange to have 'friends' like this what does it say about you as a person? Ugh.