I'm 32 and by most standards my life isn't bad, not bad at all. I'm not rich but I'm not poor either. I have a fairly comfortable life, despite having to work 9-19 as a tipical IT cubicle worker in the rat race. My house isn't so bad, my car is fun, I have a girlfriend. I'm fairly healthy.
But yet, I feel tired all the time, lacking motivation. I always have this sense that I should be doing something else and that I'm wasting my life. My work is considered skilled but it is boring and doesn't seem to have much to do with me, but I have to do it because I have bills to pay.
This could describe many of us.
The problem is that I realize that i have a hard time feeling pleasure/joy/fulfillment even when I'm in my free time. I have few friends (mostly due do SA) and just don't explore many things in life, either because they provoke some anxiety or because I just don't feel motivate to do it.
I feel cursed because I think am I am able to spot excellence in others and realize what i am missing, I can even feel what I should be doing, but my energy, motivation, hope and optimism are always so low that I never get to do much.
I try to focus on the fact that I'm not unhealthy. I've been visiting a friend, my age, with leukemia.. and it makes me think that I should be grateful for my life.. I really should. Unfortunately, despite realizing that it could be a lot, lot worse, it doesn't seem to help me enjoy what I have.
I feel as if i'm having good food, better than the one served to many around me, but yet, I cannot taste it at all.
Despite the terrible side effects of Paroxetine (the only SSRI I've tried, for 6 months in 2004) I'm started to feel tempted to try it again... I know I will regret it, but I just miss that feeling of indifference it seemed to provide. Brought no happiness or joy at all, but at least, I didn't feel unfulfilled or empty either, just indifferent, in a zombieish kind of way... which now doesn't seem all that bad...
Sorry for any mistakes.. not a native english speaker.