I may not know the meaning of life but I do know what it isn't. Being alone.
I spend too much time alone. It's always been like this as far back as I can remember. All I've ever wanted was to fit in and be accepted.
I've always had these fantasies that something amazing would happen and suddenly people would finally notice me, that I'll stop being invisible and insignificant in their eyes. But that never happened.
A "friend" keeps dragging me to nightclubs to meet women but I'm always hesitant, even when I'm talking to them. Deep down I know they won't like me because so far no one has. They always politely excuse themselves and leave, and I'm left feeling like a reject. I try to not let it bother me but it does. I walk home and I wonder why I'm alone and everyone is with someone. I wonder why I'm still a virgin when I've tried so hard for so many years. I wonder how it's possible no one likes me. Am I so ugly? dumb? weird?
Or am I just unlucky?
I'll go through periods where I just stop trying to meet women altogether, whether it be online or in real life. But eventually the loneliness catches up to me and I'm forced back to the clubs (or tinder) getting constantly rejected. It's a vicious circle. I'm trapped. The only thing that changes is my age. I feel like I'm becoming someone else. I've already lost most of my personality. I used to be hyper and fun but now I'm the opposite. Life has punched all of that out of me and now I'm just a fragment of who I used to be. These long years of being alone has put it's toll on my body and psyche.
It's really hard for me to be positive I feel like I'm always emotionally drained, like I'm dying inside but on the outside I look fine.