Well i went in Monday, and got all of the new hire stuff out of the way. It was going pretty well and I was quite proud of myself for staying. Then, around noon, my boss tells me that I need to be on phone tech support for awhile.
The position was supposed to be more hands-on computer support, and thats why I accepted the job. But for a week or two I would listening on the techs taking calls to get a better idea of how they do things there. And eventually, TAKING calls. This scares me... ALOT. I was put in a small room with about 4 other individuals answering phones. My anxiety level went through the roof. They were nice people, but the idea of answering the phone of a raving lunatic on the other end who is angry their computer is broken just really scares me. Plus, I am afraid of stuttering on the phone with 4 people sitting right next to me.
The reason I took this job is because I thought the trouble tickets would already be handled by people before I got to it. It was up to me to go and actually do the computer fixes. That I can handle just fine.
So last night, I fell asleep only to wake up at 1am. I was sweating profusely, i was shaking, and I sure couldnt get back to sleep. I felt like I was having a panic attack. I was feeling really depressed that I have allowed myself to shutdown like this. It didnt matter how much i told myself "it's not that bad, just go back to sleep." I've been up since 1am and I knew I would NOT be able to function today. If I dont get 7 or 8 hours sleep, my speech impediment gets much worse. All I could think of to do was to call in and say I got sick unexpectedly. It's the only way I could think of to buy more time until I figured out what im going to do. I had to lie to my dad as well, since he doesnt understand my SA very well.
I spent the night thinking of just ending it all (i actually called a 24 suicide prevention number) or just running away in my car somewhere far away. I know I am running from things, buts it like my mind is on auto pilot and I cant stop myself. Now ive kept myself up all night, and im sure my bosses are mad at me for not coming in on my 2nd day.