My mother taught me to hate my father
I think this is a huge reason I have social anxiety. It's long.
Like many children, I once had a healthy, loving relationship with my mother and father and family.
When I was about 5 years old my parents divorced. My brother and I lived with our mom. After the divorce, my mother taught me to HATE my father. Almost every day of my life she'd tell me one horrible thing after another that my father did to her. She'd tell me that he's a horrible father, that he doesn't care about me, that all he cares about is money, that he enables his brother and sister, allowing them to do drugs. I remember a she told me when she was pregnant with me, my mom and dad were at a store and she was crying for an air conditioner, sending the message that he doesn't care about his pregnant wife or unborn son. She'd tell me every day how much she hates him. She'd tell me that I'd better not end up like him. She taught me to treat him like a cash register. She'd tell me to get him to buy me things.
But my father is not a bad man. He goes to work every day in the steel mill and never complains. All these years the only thing he wanted was a relationship with me and my brother.
Not only did she teach me to hate my father, but she taught me to hate his family: my aunts, uncles, grandparents, and cousins. I used to love seeing them when I was very young. But then I learned to fear them. If my dad would bring me to see them (on the rare occasion) I'd cry and hide somewhere. I feared for my safety.
Even after all this, my mom would treat me as an idol. She'd tell me that she's a single mother and has to be the mother and father, and needs help. She'd call my father, often times in front of me, and scream and yell that she needs money, more and more money. My father would always give her money, but she'd still tell me how horrible he is. She made his life a living hell. And it was done in my name. This went on for years. When ever that were an argument in person, my mom would call me over, literally put me in between my parents while they argued, and hide behind me. My father would buy me all kinds of gifts apologize because of the situation.
But it gets worse. Throughout my childhood, my mother treated me like a girl. She bought me dolls. She completely villainized the male influence, telling me not be like my father. When a provocative looking female would appear on tv or a movie, she'd say something to the extent that I better not end up like that (interested in the provocative looking female); and when a male would appear in a provocative image, she'd say that's good. What better way to make her ex husband suffer than to turn his first born son queer?
My mom would always tell me (when I was a young child) that she has all these financial problems because she's a single mother and needs help. She'd tell me about her credit card debt, how she can't pay the rent, she won't get a tax return because it's going to her student loan dept, etc. All that burden was dumped on me. Meanwhile, she'd never hold on to a job. She'd get fired all the time, then take months off of work lying in bed all day high on prescription drugs she bought without insurance. When she was in bed, if I tried to talk to her she'd scream at me, "shut up," or, "**** off."
For one year, I was 13, we (me, brother, and mom) had to live with my grandparents. My mom lived in the basement, slept most the day, tell me she's depressed and hates her life, and never looked for a job. My grandma would speak up. Ask her why she divorced my father if she's living of his charity and not working. Saying how horrible it is to teach me to hate my father. The arguments were bad. Almost every night my mom would scream as loud as she could, screaming that she hates my grandmother. She'd throw me right in the middle and teach me to call my grandmother a "****ing *****." She'd teach me to be disrespectful and counterdict everything she said. I once had a healthy, loving relationship with my grandmother, but my mother taught me to hate her. My mom would tell me all the horrible things my grandmother has ever done to her throughout her childhood; just dumping all her mental problems from her childhood onto me. A 13 year old boy.
I was in middle school during this time. Since the male influence was villainized, I acted rather feminine. I was teased and harassed almost every day in middle school...I was called gay, ***, etc. No one ever taught me to stand up for myself or anything, so I just took it. I was so embarrassed and ashamed. There was no one to talk to about this. There was no help. Instead of acknowledging that this happened to me, I mostly accepted their words...that I'm worthless, a burden, stupid, etc.
When high school came around, my mom moved me to Michigan. I decided that the events in middle school would not happen again, so I pretty much alienated myself from day one, never daring to say anything, never daring to look at anyone. I would sit there quietly, do my work, then quickly leave when class was over. I made no friends...I didn't even try. Sometimes people would try to talk to me, but I figured that I'll only bring them down, so I would push them away, almost like I was protecting them from myself.
I had no self esteem. I thought my existence was the cause of my mom's money problems and stress. She wouldn't have to deal with my dad if I wasn't born. I was a total wuss, because my father wasn't able to teach me to be a man because I'd reject and resist everything he ever told me. My mother would tell me that she's the only one in the family who speaks the truth; that everyone else doesn't care about me. She tell me she hates her nursing job, but she has to do it because of me. I felt like a burden. She'd act like she's all high and mighty. Like she's the hero, there to save me from evil...But in the end, I was left sitting there, alone.
When I was a teenager, my uncle and aunt would take me to do activities or let me do work. It was a good thing. They even helped my mom get a rental property and give her money, which she never paid back. My mom didn't pay the rent, and, on the day she had to leave, she left a note saying she didn't pay the rent because she had to pay the gas bill and took too many days off of work because she was sick and in a fog and couldn't think. Before long, my mom started to tell me how awful my aunt and uncle are. That they're phony, don't get it, etc. Trying to destroy my relationships with them. But the truth is that my aunt and uncle can see right through her. They aren't fooled. But my mom would ALWAYS act like she's the victim.
In high school, my dad actually bought us a house. My mom never encouraged me; she'd threaten to embarrass me in front of everyone at school or give me to my dad and let him deal with me. I thought I was a burden to all, because my mother wouldn't have received any charity if I wasn't alive. I was terrified of people and relationships and love...I expected to just be thrown away. So in high school I had no friends. I would sit somewhere alone and quietly wait for the bell to ring. At home, my mother would often tease me. I got teased in middle school for being feminine, so being teased at home was very bad. My mom would dance around in front of me, dancing the most queer dances, and say, "com'on Mike, don't ya dance?" One time, she was pointing her finger at me and covering her mouth, hiding laughter...SHE WAS TEASING ME! Or she'd sing the most queer songs like, "Rainbow in my pock." She'd speak to me in the most stupid voices, never taking me seriously. She'd be more concerned with the welfare of the cat than my welfare.
When I was a senior, my mom when snooping through my room and found a straw because I was snorting cocaine. My mother hollered, then called me, "drug addict Jerry Lyn (the name of my father's sister who overdosed and died)," and that was that. When ever she asked me about doing drugs I'd say, "why the **** do you think I'm doing drugs?!"
After high school, I started to abuse drugs every day. I'd get high on whatever I got my hands on. I wanted to forget that I don't have a relationship with my father, even though my father always wanted a relationship with me, and doing drugs made my social anxiety go away...and it made an excuse for sitting there in silence...I'm too ****ed up to talk. I started shooting up heroin and meth and got hepatitis c. I overdosed on meth once. At another point, I ate datura and woke up in the hospital. When my mom came into the room, I started screaming and yelling at her, saying that she's worthless to me as a parent, telling her to get the **** out, etc...I was tripping balls in the hospital, so I told her specifically the things she did to me: like, taking my masculinity from me. They put me in the asylum for 9 days.