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Old 04-08-2012, 03:31 PM   #1 (permalink)
 
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Default Moving past being cheated on..

I still struggle a lot with this when it comes to the thought of dating. I dont know how to ever be able to date someone who has dated other people before me, will find other people attractive while they are with me, and assuming most relationships dont last - will end up with someone they like better after me.

I didnt struggle so much with this prior to being cheated on. I guess I used to assume that when I was dating someone I was #1. Why else would you be with anyone if they werent your ideal, above all others? And now it feels pointless. Why should I date anyone and give anyone any part of me...when they can and probably want to, just have as many girls as they can? I dont date a guy unless I think he beats out all the competition - or at least is very very hard to beat. Thats what I want in return. But I dont know if there are any guys who will feel this way about me - that I can be better than all the other girls they've been with, all the other girls they meet after me. What do I do to work through this?
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Old 04-08-2012, 03:40 PM   #2 (permalink)
 
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Ditto to this thread...unfortunately, I don't have the answer.
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Old 04-08-2012, 07:04 PM   #3 (permalink)
 
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Dating a guy does not denote exclusivity. You have to accept the fact that if you are dating someone, he may be dating other girls as well. It's just how things work until you two declare that it's a relationship. And if you think about it, that's how it should be. It takes time to realize that someone you're dating is the only person you want to be with, and vice versa. It takes time to really get to know a person, and you shouldn't let yourself fall for someone if you don't think you truly know them.

Your focus shouldn't be on finding that one special person right now, especially with your current fears. Your focus should be on getting yourself out there, having fun, getting to know people, and then when things seem really, really right with someone..then you take that plunge with them.
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Old 04-08-2012, 07:43 PM   #4 (permalink)
 
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As someone who has been cheated on with my only possible girlfriend I'll probably ever have in life I feel it's not even worth it anymore. Your partner will always find at least a dozen people they find more attractive than you and are just going to cheat on you when they get bored anyway.

The only thing that seperates human and animal reproduction is that humans always have the innate desire to stab one another in the heart and betray their partners before actually reproducing. Animals just cut to the chase and mate to survive. I can't wait until the sun finally dies out to euthanize this pathetic rock we call Earth.
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Old 04-09-2012, 08:07 AM   #5 (permalink)
 
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As someone who has been cheated on with my only possible girlfriend I'll probably ever have in life I feel it's not even worth it anymore. Your partner will always find at least a dozen people they find more attractive than you and are just going to cheat on you when they get bored anyway.

The only thing that seperates human and animal reproduction is that humans always have the innate desire to stab one another in the heart and betray their partners before actually reproducing. Animals just cut to the chase and mate to survive. I can't wait until the sun finally dies out to euthanize this pathetic rock we call Earth.
Yes...it just feels so pointless. Like why bother? For a few months/few years you work at a relationship - then its over. And all that effort was for what??? You end up with nothing, except maybe some bad memories and psychological trauma. Wow. This is what people get so worked up for? Omg everyone needs a relationship?
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Old 04-09-2012, 08:14 AM   #6 (permalink)
 
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Dating a guy does not denote exclusivity. You have to accept the fact that if you are dating someone, he may be dating other girls as well. It's just how things work until you two declare that it's a relationship. And if you think about it, that's how it should be. It takes time to realize that someone you're dating is the only person you want to be with, and vice versa. It takes time to really get to know a person, and you shouldn't let yourself fall for someone if you don't think you truly know them.

Your focus shouldn't be on finding that one special person right now, especially with your current fears. Your focus should be on getting yourself out there, having fun, getting to know people, and then when things seem really, really right with someone..then you take that plunge with them.

I cant deal with that concept at all. Its very frustrating to me, how people think multi-dating is the way to go. I cannot build ANYTHING with someone while they are turning around and flirting with someone else. How can I respect the guy, or want to kiss (or anything more) any guy who is also equally attracted to the girls he is seeing tomorrow or the next day? I am resentful just thinking about it, I cant imagine how passive aggressive I'd be with a guy who is doing this...obviously I cant build any type of positive relationship when I feel like Im angry at having to "compete" with other girls.

And why doesnt this happen to me? Even if I met 2-3 guys I kinda like at a party...I could automatically rank them, and know who Id MOST like to date and see - who #1 is. Why is that so hard for people to do? To date all of them especially when deep down I know that I dont desire the other two as much as #1, so what? - they're just kinda sitting around like backups in case #1 dumps me or doesnt work out? How is that not hurtful?
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Old 04-09-2012, 08:16 AM   #7 (permalink)
 
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Yes...it just feels so pointless. Like why bother? For a few months/few years you work at a relationship - then its over. And all that effort was for what??? You end up with nothing, except maybe some bad memories and psychological trauma. Wow. This is what people get so worked up for? Omg everyone needs a relationship?
The only thing you're guaranteed in a relationship is to be cheated on and/or broken up with. Sure, you get the temporary pleasures but what's the point if at the end of it all you're left alone and miserable?

The same person who you've spent so much time & money on, who tells you that they love you and care for you will be over you in a heartbeat, regurgitating the same romantic lines to someone else they find more attractive. I believe family and friend "love" is much more believable than romantic.
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Old 04-09-2012, 08:28 AM   #8 (permalink)
 
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OP, I don't have any answers for you but I wanted to say I am the same way. I guess karma is a ***** because in high school I cheated on a couple girls (wasn't a proud period of my life, I was on medication that eliminated all emotion and I was just searching for something, anything to make me feel emotions I think. Doesn't make it ok though). When I met my first serious girlfriend the first year of college it was great, but then our 2nd year of the relationship took a turn and she cheated on. I've never been able to trust women in that sense ever since (no offense to any women, I know this is irrational and not a good way to be, but I just can't get past it).

Anyways, you aren't alone. I'm sure the answer is to just be careful who to trust and to no be afraid to trust again. Unfortunately I did that a year after I broke up with this girl for good and the new girl I was dating went back with her ex boyfriend without telling me and I found out when people told me that it was "awesome" we were "finally Facebook official." Yeah, I had to tell people that it wasn't me and I didn't know until they told me, embarrassing to say the least.

Anyways, don't let yourself go years without trusting someone or letting someone get close to you because you are afraid they'll leave you or cheat - I've been like this for about 5 years now and it is not a good way to live.
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Old 04-09-2012, 08:35 AM   #9 (permalink)
 
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Originally Posted by radiancia:1059820780
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Originally Posted by rymo View Post
Dating a guy does not denote exclusivity. You have to accept the fact that if you are dating someone, he may be dating other girls as well. It's just how things work until you two declare that it's a relationship. And if you think about it, that's how it should be. It takes time to realize that someone you're dating is the only person you want to be with, and vice versa. It takes time to really get to know a person, and you shouldn't let yourself fall for someone if you don't think you truly know them.

Your focus shouldn't be on finding that one special person right now, especially with your current fears. Your focus should be on getting yourself out there, having fun, getting to know people, and then when things seem really, really right with someone..then you take that plunge with them.

I cant deal with that concept at all. Its very frustrating to me, how people think multi-dating is the way to go. I cannot build ANYTHING with someone while they are turning around and flirting with someone else. How can I respect the guy, or want to kiss (or anything more) any guy who is also equally attracted to the girls he is seeing tomorrow or the next day? I am resentful just thinking about it, I cant imagine how passive aggressive I'd be with a guy who is doing this...obviously I cant build any type of positive relationship when I feel like Im angry at having to "compete" with other girls.

And why doesnt this happen to me? Even if I met 2-3 guys I kinda like at a party...I could automatically rank them, and know who Id MOST like to date and see - who #1 is. Why is that so hard for people to do? To date all of them especially when deep down I know that I dont desire the other two as much as #1, so what? - they're just kinda sitting around like backups in case #1 dumps me or doesnt work out? How is that not hurtful?
Again you're confusing dating with being in a relationship. If you're dating a guy for a week, and he happens to be dating another girl at the same time, who cares? You certainly shouldn't have fallen in love with a guy or invested that much into him emotionally after just a week. Most people will not get into a relationship after just a few dates, it takes time to get to know each.other. And if you feel like you are competing for a guy, it's not a one way street. You should feel like he's competing for you as well. Obviously your feeling of self-worth is low if you think you are at the guy's mercy all the time. You need to work on your confidence. You can accept how dating works today, and you will...or you will just become that jealous girl that always pushes guys away.

Also your analogy of meeting 3 guys and ranking them is quite disturbing. Yes, I could go to a party and be like WOW I would really love to date THAT girl. But what if I dated her for a few weeks and she turned out to be a crazy *****? You're just automatically assuming that you can know all about a person and know that you want to be in a long-term relationship with them after meeting them for 2 seconds. Wrong.
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Old 04-09-2012, 08:43 AM   #10 (permalink)
 
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If there was no exclusivity declared, you were not cheated on.
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Old 04-09-2012, 08:46 AM   #11 (permalink)
 
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If there was no exclusivity declared, you were not cheated on.
No, when I was cheated on it was a relationship. But my issues NOW are coming up when Im attempting to date again.
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Old 04-09-2012, 08:53 AM   #12 (permalink)
 
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Again you're confusing dating with being in a relationship. If you're dating a guy for a week, and he happens to be dating another girl at the same time, who cares? You certainly shouldn't have fallen in love with a guy or invested that much into him emotionally after just a week. Most people will not get into a relationship after just a few dates, it takes time to get to know each.other. And if you feel like you are competing for a guy, it's not a one way street. You should feel like he's competing for you as well. Obviously your feeling of self-worth is low if you think you are at the guy's mercy all the time. You need to work on your confidence. You can accept how dating works today, and you will...or you will just become that jealous girl that always pushes guys away.
Its not that Ive so much fallen for these guys, but that I feel deeply insulted by their giving attention equally to other girls. I dont like just being a number or name in their calendar. I want a guy to be enamoured with me from the word go. Not falling in love, romantic cheesy - but just where he sees how incredibly lucky he'd be to get a chance with me and is MORE attracted to me than anyone else. Maybe thats silly to other people, but thats exactly and entirely what I want and need. I find it so hurtful to be treated like one of the masses - that there is nothing special about me that another girl could replace me in an instant. And maybe thats why I keep trying to improve myself so much...maybe if Im a little bit hotter, my body is fitter....then I'll be able to get a guys entire attention.
I dont know if I can achieve it, but I spend a lot of efforts working at it. I probably have so many psychological issues lol...but it helps to dissect them like this - so thanks for replying!
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Old 04-09-2012, 09:03 AM   #13 (permalink)
 
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Again you're confusing dating with being in a relationship. If you're dating a guy for a week, and he happens to be dating another girl at the same time, who cares? You certainly shouldn't have fallen in love with a guy or invested that much into him emotionally after just a week. Most people will not get into a relationship after just a few dates, it takes time to get to know each.other. And if you feel like you are competing for a guy, it's not a one way street. You should feel like he's competing for you as well. Obviously your feeling of self-worth is low if you think you are at the guy's mercy all the time. You need to work on your confidence. You can accept how dating works today, and you will...or you will just become that jealous girl that always pushes guys away.
Its not that Ive so much fallen for these guys, but that I feel deeply insulted by their giving attention equally to other girls. I dont like just being a number or name in their calendar. I want a guy to be enamoured with me from the word go. Not falling in love, romantic cheesy - but just where he sees how incredibly lucky he'd be to get a chance with me and is MORE attracted to me than anyone else. Maybe thats silly to other people, but thats exactly and entirely what I want and need. I find it so hurtful to be treated like one of the masses - that there is nothing special about me that another girl could replace me in an instant. And maybe thats why I keep trying to improve myself so much...maybe if Im a little bit hotter, my body is fitter....then I'll be able to get a guys entire attention.
I dont know if I can achieve it, but I spend a lot of efforts working at it. I probably have so many psychological issues lol...but it helps to dissect them like this - so thanks for replying!
That's not entirely what you need, it's entirely what you THINK you need. It's not rational, and it's not healthy. If you crave that overwhelming attention right from the get go, you will constantly be disappointed and will eventually just grow more and more bitter at men. I can already honestly say I would not want to date you because it seems like if I didn't shower you with affection from day one you would cut off my penis or something. You have unrealistic expectations, so how could you ever expect them to be fulfilled?

You date a guy, maybe he's also seeing someone else, maybe he's not. But if he seems like a good catch, you go on a bunch of dates with him. You guys seem to really hit it off and have a great time together, maybe you even go to a few romantic dinners. Things seem great and you want to be with him, so you tell him you want to be exclusive with him and if he agrees or even says he already was and agreee, bam..you have a boyfriend. That's how it works in the real world.
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Old 04-09-2012, 09:08 AM   #14 (permalink)
 
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Don't worry, there's guys out there who don't have any problem giving all their focus to one girl.

Hell, I can barely even make one girl happy let alone more. I've been cheated on before, and it's a disgusting thing.
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Old 04-09-2012, 09:35 AM   #15 (permalink)
 
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That's not entirely what you need, it's entirely what you THINK you need. It's not rational, and it's not healthy. If you crave that overwhelming attention right from the get go, you will constantly be disappointed and will eventually just grow more and more bitter at men. I can already honestly say I would not want to date you because it seems like if I didn't shower you with affection from day one you would cut off my penis or something. You have unrealistic expectations, so how could you ever expect them to be fulfilled?

You date a guy, maybe he's also seeing someone else, maybe he's not. But if he seems like a good catch, you go on a bunch of dates with him. You guys seem to really hit it off and have a great time together, maybe you even go to a few romantic dinners. Things seem great and you want to be with him, so you tell him you want to be exclusive with him and if he agrees or even says he already was and agreee, bam..you have a boyfriend. That's how it works in the real world.
I agree with this fully - if a girl starts interrogating me as to whether I'm seeing anyone else within the first 3 or 4 dates I see that as a huge red flag. I've dated girls with very low self-esteem in the past and they've almost always had major issues with jealousy, sometimes to the point of accusing me of cheating when I've had to stay late at work. I have zero tolarance for this now.

It's only natural to see a few people in the dating process. You will get to the one person you are most compatible with. And NO, you cannot tell how compatible you are with someone in one or two dates - you need time to get to know them.

It is not hopeless like so many people here think. Don't take it personally - everyone is looking for the optimal person for them. You should be too.
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Old 04-09-2012, 09:40 AM   #16 (permalink)
 
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That's not entirely what you need, it's entirely what you THINK you need. It's not rational, and it's not healthy. If you crave that overwhelming attention right from the get go, you will constantly be disappointed and will eventually just grow more and more bitter at men. I can already honestly say I would not want to date you because it seems like if I didn't shower you with affection from day one you would cut off my penis or something. You have unrealistic expectations, so how could you ever expect them to be fulfilled?

You date a guy, maybe he's also seeing someone else, maybe he's not. But if he seems like a good catch, you go on a bunch of dates with him. You guys seem to really hit it off and have a great time together, maybe you even go to a few romantic dinners. Things seem great and you want to be with him, so you tell him you want to be exclusive with him and if he agrees or even says he already was and agreee, bam..you have a boyfriend. That's how it works in the real world.
Im reading this and maybe getting to the root issue here. What happens when/if he doesnt? How do you move past the fact that he chose a different girl over you. And I know..ding ding ding - heres where the cheating mental block is surfacing. A guy choosing another girl over me = me being ugly, not special, and since I wasnt good enough for him, how can I ever be good enough for anyone else im attracted to either?
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Old 04-09-2012, 09:43 AM   #17 (permalink)
 
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I agree with this fully - if a girl starts interrogating me as to whether I'm seeing anyone else within the first 3 or 4 dates I see that as a huge red flag. I've dated girls with very low self-esteem in the past and they've almost always had major issues with jealousy, sometimes to the point of accusing me of cheating when I've had to stay late at work. I have zero tolarance for this now.

It's only natural to see a few people in the dating process. You will get to the one person you are most compatible with. And NO, you cannot tell how compatible you are with someone in one or two dates - you need time to get to know them.

It is not hopeless like so many people here think. Don't take it personally - everyone is looking for the optimal person for them. You should be too.
Why cant you date just one girl at a time? Go on 3,4,5,6 dates with her, and then decide yes/no. Is it really such a big sacrifice to spend a couple weeks seeing one girl, then decide you dont really want anything with her before asking out a new one?
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Old 04-09-2012, 09:53 AM   #18 (permalink)
 
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I agree with this fully - if a girl starts interrogating me as to whether I'm seeing anyone else within the first 3 or 4 dates I see that as a huge red flag. I've dated girls with very low self-esteem in the past and they've almost always had major issues with jealousy, sometimes to the point of accusing me of cheating when I've had to stay late at work. I have zero tolarance for this now.

It's only natural to see a few people in the dating process. You will get to the one person you are most compatible with. And NO, you cannot tell how compatible you are with someone in one or two dates - you need time to get to know them.

It is not hopeless like so many people here think. Don't take it personally - everyone is looking for the optimal person for them. You should be too.
Why cant you date just one girl at a time? Go on 3,4,5,6 dates with her, and then decide yes/no. Is it really such a big sacrifice to spend a couple weeks seeing one girl, then decide you dont really want anything with her before asking out a new one?
It's not a huge sacrifice, and it happens all the time. But if a guy (or girl for that matter) has options, why wouldn't they explore those options? And if it did get to the point where you wanted to be exclusive with someone and he said no, it is no reflection on you. I mean damn, he liked you enough to date you, so that's something, and who knows what the reason? It might not even have to do with you, it might be he is focusing on work and doesn't want to commit or any number of other reasons.

Bottom line is you CANNOT believe that you are not worthy or not special just because every single guy doesn't want to be in a relationship with you right away. You will find a guy who is perfect for you, but it's best to not commit emotionally right away, and instead date and have fun and when you meet a guy you think is special, then you can go for it. Someone trustworthy and open and honest and communicative. Not everyone has those qualities, so picking out a guy at a party for example who may not have any of those is so silly. Get to know someone before committing to them, otherwise you will get into bad situations where the guy may not be who you assumed he was.
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Old 04-09-2012, 10:15 AM   #19 (permalink)
 
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Sounds like trust issues getting in the way and I can understand that pretty well. After each breakup, people get more cynical about the next one. All I can say is enjoy the relationship for what it is, and be careful about investing too much emotion in the beginning. I'm currently dating this woman, she's wonderful and we're quite compatible, but we're not diving headfirst into serious stuff yet, just having fun and enjoying each others company.

Funny me and her had this conversation, where we started talking about our exes...and I end up saying, "Man you let that ugly loser dude stick his penis in you?" "Yepp"
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Old 04-09-2012, 10:27 AM   #20 (permalink)
 
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Don't go for people who participate in the modern dating scene. I was shocked when I found out it involved dating people simultaneously. Most aspects of dating are ridiculous to me. It's soulless and corrupt.
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