Jealously and low self-esteem.

[MidnightBlu]

Sorry there might be a lot of negativity in this thread.

I don't know what's wrong with me. I never been this jealous in my entire life. In fact, I don't get jealous as easily except when it comes to relationships, but now I'm jealous of almost everything people have. I'm envious of people who can afford to buy nicer things than me because they got a job. I can't even get hired. I don't have work experience. How do people with social anxiety get a job? I'm horrible at job interviews either. I sound like I'm drugs most of the time even though I've never done any. People tell me I sound like a stoner because I'm tired most of the time from my meds. My speaking sucks *** and I don't know how to talk to people. I hear that many people with job experience didn't get hired by many places either. What are the chances that I'm going to get hired? I will say zero.

I'm envious of people with good social skills and friends. I don't have any except one I hang out with and my boyfriend. I'm always afraid my boyfriend's going to dump me even though he keeps telling me he doesn't and won't. People who are young or near my age in long term relationships or are in engaged make me depressed. I don't know when or if that'll happen to me. I read some threads here that people meet their boyfriends/girlfriends through their siblings. I don't even get that. I only have one sister and she's 12 years older than me. I have a hard time making friends and had a hard time getting boyfriends as it is. I always have to try extra harder than most normal people because I have depression and anxiety. I wish my mom wouldn't get mad at me so much either. I'm envious of people who get good things for their birthdays. Well I shouldn't complain because so do I, but some people get designer purses from their family members on their birthdays. I don't. I just get money and/or vacation money. I have to save that up for this really nice Chanel wallet with a chain (so I could carry it over my shoulder) when some girls just basically get it for free right on her birthday. I have to work for that money really hard right now by doing the babysitting job my sister gave me to take care of my niece. How come other people can get hired really easily on the spot for a job? That's not fair. It'll never happen to me. I only got three designer purses and they're not that great. One of them is small and not very practical for use, the other one is really old and getting in bad condition because I used it so much even though my sister gave it to me, and the other one is a nicer one. I'm afraid to use it because it was kind of expensive and I don't want to ruin it. And then there are younger girls who got newer purses than me because their parents reward them by giving them money or paying for some of it. My parents do the same, but I suck at saving. And some of that goes to food because I'm a picky eater. I hate being a picky eater. I always want to eat the good tasting junk food because I'm depressed and that sh*t costs a lot of money. I made myself a deal to not spend money on any food and eat whatever's in the house. It's going to be hard as hell because I get depressed if I don't get to eat good tasting food. I am proud though when I got myself to shed a few pounds. Mind you, I'm not heavy or fat, I just have some extra fat on the side I don't need.

People who have other people approach them to go out with on dates or with friends got it good. Nobody approaches me. I don't know if it's because I'm ugly or if it's because I smell. I used deodorant for awhile and stopped until it started to irritate my skin. I have really sensitive skin and have eczema. Anyways, I always do the approaching and always get rejected through friendships or when asking out. I always do everything online. How pathetic is that?!

I'm not really envious of people who are in good schools. Well maybe a little. Not so much because I could've gotten into one if it weren't for my depression/anxiety. I could've after high school because my GPA wasn't horrible, but I was so out of touch with my schooling because of my depression and anxiety that I just didn't care if I went to a community college. Until I found out last minute that I could go to a state uni, but I didn't take the requirements or the SATs and it was too late. I hate depression and anxiety. It screws my life up literally!!!

Sorry I just basically complained whatever is on my mind and went on with it as I typed.

Believe me I am grateful for what I have, but just seeing people in the same social economic status as me that have it better than me sucks. I'm talking about people in my similar living situations, but they have it better by having more friends, better social skills, jobs, etc. I don't know if I'm the worst amongst them. I can't have it that bad can I? Are there people who are worse than me in the same social economical status as me? I really can't name any because everyone I know around me have it better than me except for one friend, but that is not his fault. Everyone I know around me either has a great family that gives them everything, have nice things, good friends, good social circle, job they like, etc. I don't have any of that.

[secretlyshecries]

I only got three designer purses and they're not that great.

My last birthday (my 20th), my mum handed me one thing. I opened it up. It was shampoo. Good shampoo (the type they apparently have in salons) but still, just shampoo. That's all I got. Oh, and my sister got me a cheap top. All I'm saying is... really, you only got three designer purses? lol sorry. But come on, that's something. You did better than me that year.

I try not to be bitter over not getting real gifts anymore. I tell myself I'm an adult and my mum struggles fiancially so I shouldn't feel angry that she doesn't buy me a lot of things (or you know.. something that isn't shampoo ). It's annoying though, because she usually goes shopping on the weekends and splashes out on takeaway often. So it's not like she watches her every penny. And my sister makes as though buying me anything over $40 is crazy (she got me a DVD (TV show) that cost that much for xmas but kept saying she didn't wanna spend that much) when for her birthday, I got her several things that all added up.

Anyway, I feel jealous of people a lot too. I envy them for being 'normal' when I'm not. I envy them for their ability to do the smallest things that I can't do without feeling uncomfortable. You're not only lucky you have a boyfriend, but one who sounds patient and caring.

I have the same problem when it comes to working too. I have no idea how I'm meant to not only get a job, but one I'm comfortable in. People always tell me to just be a cashier or something like that that involves dealing with people. They don't realize how terrifying the thought is.

[Rixy]

No offense but materialism shouldn't make you happy. You sound like you have a loyal boyfriend, consider yourself lucky for that. And as for your job crisis, I can relate. I'm 17 and am having lots of trouble trying to stir up the courage to even look for a part time job. My cousin is the same age as you. He was given three jobs to him served on a silver platter. He ditched all of them because he couldn't be bothered with it. Now he lives in a council house with a few friends (one of them just had a child) and does nothing all day. Recently he signed on for unemployment pay. I know it's harsh but by 30 he'll either be depressed, a drug addict, dead or all three unless he makes a drastic effort to improve his life. Trust me, you could have it alot worse.

[deadwarrior666]

You are far better off than me.. atleast you have boy friend.. I never had girl friend I feel so wasted. I live in **** country where we dont even get proper water and electrcity supply.

my life is total F****D