Social Anxiety Support

dave76 · 08-03-2012, 11:33 AM

I got an internship this summer, and I hoped it would be the start of things to come. I've been there a month and I barely speak to anyone. Today they got pizzas delivered to the office and beer, I decided to stay hoping I could get to know people a bit better. I had a conversation with two people but they just walked away and I was left by myself with no one to talk to, Im on speaking terms with maybe 2 or 3 people but they werent there so I was left alone. Everyone was standing around talking, and I was standing there eating pizza by myself, Ive genuinely not felt that awkward since school. There were plans to go out for drinks after, which I really wanted to go to. After the two people I was speaking to left, I was standing about for 15-20 minutes awkwardly. I lasted 45 mins, I decided just to go home, because no one was making the effort to talk to me, I saw people look at me then look away again. Im not even sure I'd have gotten an invite for the drinks afterwards. Times like these make me feel like I give off a vibe that I'm unfriendly, I just dont know whats wrong with me, it sucks.

James W · 08-03-2012, 11:56 AM

I think it has to do with your facial expressions and body language. People see this and think "this guy doesn't want to be here" or "this guy doesn't like us". I think they feel like you are rejecting them. I always did that. People would always ask me "why haven't you talked" or "why are you so quiet" and I don't know what to say to them. They would think i was stuck up and that i didn't want to hang out with them. It's very frustrating. I feel like I'm never going to be in a relationship with a girl. It really pisses me off when I hear about how all my friends have girlfriends and that they have had sex with them. I have never kissed a girl in my life and I know people much younger than me who have had sex. The only thing I can really do about it is drink alcohol but I hardly ever have much access to it.

Tibble · 08-03-2012, 12:09 PM

Well congrats on your internship! And you're not a loser. I've been in this situation many times in high school and I got really frustrated. They probably just weren't interested in what you had to say, and that's okay. But sometimes you gotta be the one that initiates the conversations. Don't beat yourself up, this happens to people all the time. And as James said, It could be your body language giving off the unfriendly vibe.

MrFlay · 08-03-2012, 12:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by dave76

After the two people I was speaking to left, I was standing about for 15-20 minutes awkwardly. I lasted 45 mins, I decided just to go home, because no one was making the effort to talk to me, I saw people look at me then look away again.

Why didn't you engage them in conversation if you wanted to talk to them?

I know it's not as easy as standing around waiting for others to make an effort, but at least it would show that you're interested in talking to them.

dave76 · 08-03-2012, 12:36 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MrFlay

Why didn't you engage them in conversation if you wanted to talk to them?

I know it's not as easy as standing around waiting for others to make an effort, but at least it would show that you're interested in talking to them.

This is one of the most difficult things, I really wish it came easy - walking up to people and starting conversations. I just wish I could be normal in that respect. There were maybe 3 groups of about five/six people. I knew of probably one in each group. I'm trying to imagine myself as a really sociable person and not once can I picture a scenario of me approaching strangers I've never met before, and interrupting their conversation. I could have easily avoided the whole thing and gone home, but I was hoping that this could be a second chance of making the effort. I stood awkwardly for about 15-20 mins and tried to speak to people I knew but I dont think they cared enough to keep up the conversation. I feel ****ty giving up like that, but if we went out for drinks after, I would have been invited out of pity.

sdee · 08-03-2012, 04:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by dave76

I got an internship this summer, and I hoped it would be the start of things to come. I've been there a month and I barely speak to anyone. Today they got pizzas delivered to the office and beer, I decided to stay hoping I could get to know people a bit better. I had a conversation with two people but they just walked away and I was left by myself with no one to talk to, Im on speaking terms with maybe 2 or 3 people but they werent there so I was left alone. Everyone was standing around talking, and I was standing there eating pizza by myself, Ive genuinely not felt that awkward since school. There were plans to go out for drinks after, which I really wanted to go to. After the two people I was speaking to left, I was standing about for 15-20 minutes awkwardly. I lasted 45 mins, I decided just to go home, because no one was making the effort to talk to me, I saw people look at me then look away again. Im not even sure I'd have gotten an invite for the drinks afterwards. Times like these make me feel like I give off a vibe that I'm unfriendly, I just dont know whats wrong with me, it sucks.

hi dave. internships are hard- being on teh bottom of the totem pole, most people dont really want to know you professionally. but you can build those relationships perhaps by approaching people and asking for minor help on work-things, and maybe having short conversations so that people know that you might be worth knowing.
all the best!

FoundAndLost · 08-03-2012, 05:01 PM

The same thing happens to me all the time. People avoid me and never really make an effort to talk to me, and when I try to talk to them, they are always in a hurry to get away from me. I think me being uncomfortable must rub off on them or something.

ICat · 08-03-2012, 05:56 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ThatOneQuietGuy

The same thing happens to me all the time. People avoid me and never really make an effort to talk to me, and when I try to talk to them, they are always in a hurry to get away from me. I think me being uncomfortable must rub off on them or something.

I can relate 100% It only makes harder to be "social" for us!

We had a "party hour" today where everybody would drink and "socialize". I just sneaked out home, muahah. Enough with me imitating a living statue that holds a beer. I am 0% interested in their conversation, and they ignore me when I speak up anyway. And their beer sucks. I'd rather go to gym tonight and hang out with you guys here

SociallyShy · 08-03-2012, 06:41 PM

Aww. I hope you feel better. I had this epiphany last week too. I went to this summer class and was the only one sitting by myself. All the other girls were giggly and talking to each other, and I just sat there quietly wishing I was them. They're all becoming friends now while I just sit and watch. After school ended I was feeling better until this class. I now realize how much of a loser I am too.

firestar · 08-04-2012, 09:23 AM

I can relate. I just got back from drinks with my co-workers. I was the quiet one. My co-worker, who is actually pretty nice, kept saying that I looked tired and I should feel free to go home. I stayed mostly because I didn't want to give in to my SAD.

You know what, though? I don't think I'm a loser and I don't think you are, either. I didn't really like socializing all that much. The person next to me kept smoking, so now I have a headache. My co-workers were all talking about drinking and how to pick up women/men. It was all pretty unpleasant, actually. Maybe we're just not built to enjoy socializing. That doesn't make us losers. It just makes us different.

Talgonite · 08-04-2012, 09:28 AM

You're only as much of a loser as you think you are!

You said people would look at you then look away. This means that they are interested in you, but you might be making them as nervous as they are making you. Grab initiative by the throat and go socialize more, and most importantly, SMILE!!!

ToucanSam · 08-04-2012, 09:51 PM

your coworkers may have been ostracizing you on purpose! I've worked at companies where the employees basically made a point to sh*t on the interns, because it was the only perk of their jobs.

Stop blaming yourself, it's probably nothing personal about you.

bottleofblues · 08-04-2012, 10:27 PM

Yeah i've been in uncomfortable situations like that before it ain't easy. If i was to go to a party where i didn't know anyone i would be just like you in that situation its pretty hard to just walk up to a group of people and join in the conversation when you don't even know them.
But if i went to a party where i knew a few people reasonably well (like from work or something) its gonna make it a lot easier and i'd just hang around them and through them i'd meet others. I guess it helps to build a few friendships at work, make those connections like sdee said asking for help with little things just making small talk with the people you work with. You say you've only been there a month thats not very long maybe just give yourself more time to get to know people and the next one might not be so bad.

WintersTale · 08-04-2012, 10:44 PM

I'm a loser for being almost 30 and still in college.

But you aren't a loser. You've got a good job, you're young, and you've got plenty of time to sort it out!

SydneyCarton · 08-04-2012, 10:53 PM

I'm with ya. I simply despise social situations. Cocktail hours or company meals. Awful for me. I've come to the point that I'm realistic with it and who I am, that I will never be good or like these situations. The truth shall set you free.

LukeT · 08-05-2012, 09:43 PM

I know waht you feel
ive been in this job for some months now, and I still feel awkward with everyone, i barely speak with anyone, im pretty sure everyone thinks I'm a weirdo/loser and if I try to make some freinds they will wonder why I'm I talking after several months of being in silence...

mlinwl · 08-05-2012, 10:19 PM

Could you not have asked if you could join them? Usually people will think you are not interested if you don't ask them if you can come.

I say this as I'm the chair of the social committee at my work so I'm the person initiating all "social" events so I don't know what it's like asking to join them. But usually if I see someone not really engaging others I'll assume they are not happy and don't want to be involved in our events. Just my two cents.

Doomed · 08-05-2012, 10:47 PM

Oh my god I would not have survived that. I would fake an illness and leave immediately to spare myself the awkwardness of just...standing in a corner alone. 45 minutes is far too long for someone with social anxiety to suffer.

Beyond · 08-06-2012, 10:22 AM

This feeling is what I am most afraid of. It's what I try my hardest to avoid. I get very uncomfortable in new social situations and it has always taken me a while to calm down and feel comfortable enough to enjoy myself. When I am first in a room with a bunch of new people I"m too busy trying to deal with my rising anxiety to relax enough to try to enjoy connecting with others. Consequently I'm frequently the person sitting there alone.

I get really nervous when I don't have some people I already know that I can go sit with and talk to. I don't know what to do with myself when I suddenly find myself standing alone. If I'm out with my boyfriend I can kind of wander over to where he is and join in that conversation, but at an event by myself? I haven't figured out any coping strategies yet. I feel kind of rudderless in a stream and what you described would be my worst nightmare. I think I have been scarred by all the times in the past when I'd just sit there alone at a party of social event, not knowing how to connect with those around me (and being too nervous to want to) feeling terrible about myself and the situation. When I suddenly find myself in this situation I feel major fear coming on.

AngelClare · 08-06-2012, 11:50 AM

OK, I've been in this situation many times. The people you see talking and enjoying themselves are talking to people they regularly talk to at work. If you don't have anyone at a party that you can hang with it's going to be awkward. You can try to find other people in the same boat and talk to them.

I used to find someone, cling to them by asking 1000 questions until they politely escaped me. Sucks when they slink away leaving you alone

I don't ask 1000 questions anymore. Also now I talk to more people so I'm seldom in your situation at office parties. But if I were in your situation I wouldn't hang around if I can't find anyone to talk to. It looks bad if people see you just standing around by yourself.

I wish my office had beer. Next time drink 2 or 3 beers and you'll loosen up (don't go too far and run someone over with a lawnmower [Mad Men]).

Again, talk to more people at work so that next time you won't get stuck like this.

08-03-2012, 11:33 AM	#1 (permalink)
dave76 Status: SAS Member Join Date: Jan 2010 Gender: Male Age: 21 Posts: 86	It hit me today that I'm a loser I got an internship this summer, and I hoped it would be the start of things to come. I've been there a month and I barely speak to anyone. Today they got pizzas delivered to the office and beer, I decided to stay hoping I could get to know people a bit better. I had a conversation with two people but they just walked away and I was left by myself with no one to talk to, Im on speaking terms with maybe 2 or 3 people but they werent there so I was left alone. Everyone was standing around talking, and I was standing there eating pizza by myself, Ive genuinely not felt that awkward since school. There were plans to go out for drinks after, which I really wanted to go to. After the two people I was speaking to left, I was standing about for 15-20 minutes awkwardly. I lasted 45 mins, I decided just to go home, because no one was making the effort to talk to me, I saw people look at me then look away again. Im not even sure I'd have gotten an invite for the drinks afterwards. Times like these make me feel like I give off a vibe that I'm unfriendly, I just dont know whats wrong with me, it sucks.

08-03-2012, 12:09 PM	#3 (permalink)
Tibble Status: Set me free.. Join Date: Jan 2011 Location: Silent Hill Gender: Male Age: 20 Posts: 827	Well congrats on your internship! And you're not a loser. I've been in this situation many times in high school and I got really frustrated. They probably just weren't interested in what you had to say, and that's okay. But sometimes you gotta be the one that initiates the conversations. Don't beat yourself up, this happens to people all the time. And as James said, It could be your body language giving off the unfriendly vibe. __________________ I tremble.... They're gonna eat me alive... If I stumble..... They're gonna eat me alive...

08-03-2012, 05:01 PM	#7 (permalink)
FoundAndLost Status: Another Day In Paradise Join Date: Apr 2012 Location: Temecula, California Gender: Male Age: 22 Posts: 5,650	The same thing happens to me all the time. People avoid me and never really make an effort to talk to me, and when I try to talk to them, they are always in a hurry to get away from me. I think me being uncomfortable must rub off on them or something. __________________ *Do your own bit of saving, and if you drown, at least die knowing you were headed for shore.*

08-03-2012, 06:41 PM	#9 (permalink)
SociallyShy Status: MIA for a while... Join Date: Jun 2012 Location: Worcestershire Gender: Female Posts: 206	Aww. I hope you feel better. I had this epiphany last week too. I went to this summer class and was the only one sitting by myself. All the other girls were giggly and talking to each other, and I just sat there quietly wishing I was them. They're all becoming friends now while I just sit and watch. After school ended I was feeling better until this class. I now realize how much of a loser I am too. __________________ Victory at all costs. Victory in spite of all terror. Victory however long and hard the road may be; for without victory, there is no survival.

08-04-2012, 09:23 AM	#10 (permalink)
firestar Status: Irreversibly Invisible Join Date: Jun 2009 Location: Japan Gender: Female Age: 25 Posts: 576	I can relate. I just got back from drinks with my co-workers. I was the quiet one. My co-worker, who is actually pretty nice, kept saying that I looked tired and I should feel free to go home. I stayed mostly because I didn't want to give in to my SAD. You know what, though? I don't think I'm a loser and I don't think you are, either. I didn't really like socializing all that much. The person next to me kept smoking, so now I have a headache. My co-workers were all talking about drinking and how to pick up women/men. It was all pretty unpleasant, actually. Maybe we're just not built to enjoy socializing. That doesn't make us losers. It just makes us different. __________________ "It’s the loneliness of people trapped within themselves. The loneliness of people who have said the wrong thing so often that they don’t have the courage to say anything anymore. The loneliness, not of distance, but of fear." - "The Second Kind of Loneliness," by George RR Martin

08-03-2012, 11:56 AM	#2 (permalink)
James W Status: SAS Member Join Date: Aug 2012 Location: Austin Gender: Male Posts: 5	I think it has to do with your facial expressions and body language. People see this and think "this guy doesn't want to be here" or "this guy doesn't like us". I think they feel like you are rejecting them. I always did that. People would always ask me "why haven't you talked" or "why are you so quiet" and I don't know what to say to them. They would think i was stuck up and that i didn't want to hang out with them. It's very frustrating. I feel like I'm never going to be in a relationship with a girl. It really pisses me off when I hear about how all my friends have girlfriends and that they have had sex with them. I have never kissed a girl in my life and I know people much younger than me who have had sex. The only thing I can really do about it is drink alcohol but I hardly ever have much access to it.

08-04-2012, 09:28 AM	#11 (permalink)
Talgonite Status: Endless Redemption Join Date: Aug 2011 Location: Maine Gender: Male Age: 29 Posts: 974	You're only as much of a loser as you think you are! You said people would look at you then look away. This means that they are interested in you, but you might be making them as nervous as they are making you. Grab initiative by the throat and go socialize more, and most importantly, SMILE!!! __________________ I will wait for you, but I won't wait very long, I will wait for you, and when you bore me I'll be gone.

08-04-2012, 09:51 PM	#12 (permalink)
ToucanSam Status: SAS Member Join Date: Mar 2012 Location: Illinois Gender: Male Posts: 1,828	your coworkers may have been ostracizing you on purpose! I've worked at companies where the employees basically made a point to sh*t on the interns, because it was the only perk of their jobs. Stop blaming yourself, it's probably nothing personal about you.

08-04-2012, 10:27 PM	#13 (permalink)
bottleofblues Status: Subject to status Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: New Zealand Gender: Male Posts: 568	Yeah i've been in uncomfortable situations like that before it ain't easy. If i was to go to a party where i didn't know anyone i would be just like you in that situation its pretty hard to just walk up to a group of people and join in the conversation when you don't even know them. But if i went to a party where i knew a few people reasonably well (like from work or something) its gonna make it a lot easier and i'd just hang around them and through them i'd meet others. I guess it helps to build a few friendships at work, make those connections like sdee said asking for help with little things just making small talk with the people you work with. You say you've only been there a month thats not very long maybe just give yourself more time to get to know people and the next one might not be so bad. __________________ 'The future is unwritten' - Joe Strummer

08-04-2012, 10:44 PM	#14 (permalink)
WintersTale Status: User Requested Permanent Ban Join Date: May 2007 Posts: 12,428	I'm a loser for being almost 30 and still in college. But you aren't a loser. You've got a good job, you're young, and you've got plenty of time to sort it out!

08-04-2012, 10:53 PM	#15 (permalink)
SydneyCarton Status: SAS Member Join Date: Jan 2011 Posts: 296	I'm with ya. I simply despise social situations. Cocktail hours or company meals. Awful for me. I've come to the point that I'm realistic with it and who I am, that I will never be good or like these situations. The truth shall set you free.

08-05-2012, 09:43 PM	#16 (permalink)
LukeT Status: SAS Member Join Date: Mar 2012 Gender: Male Age: 27 Posts: 264	I know waht you feel ive been in this job for some months now, and I still feel awkward with everyone, i barely speak with anyone, im pretty sure everyone thinks I'm a weirdo/loser and if I try to make some freinds they will wonder why I'm I talking after several months of being in silence...

08-05-2012, 10:19 PM	#17 (permalink)
mlinwl Status: Happy...I guess... Join Date: May 2012 Location: Vancouver, British Columbia, Dominion of Canada Gender: Male Age: 28 Posts: 29	Could you not have asked if you could join them? Usually people will think you are not interested if you don't ask them if you can come. I say this as I'm the chair of the social committee at my work so I'm the person initiating all "social" events so I don't know what it's like asking to join them. But usually if I see someone not really engaging others I'll assume they are not happy and don't want to be involved in our events. Just my two cents.

08-05-2012, 10:47 PM	#18 (permalink)
Doomed Status: SAS Member Join Date: Jul 2012 Posts: 719	Oh my god I would not have survived that. I would fake an illness and leave immediately to spare myself the awkwardness of just...standing in a corner alone. 45 minutes is far too long for someone with social anxiety to suffer.

08-06-2012, 10:22 AM	#19 (permalink)
Beyond Status: SAS Member Join Date: Jun 2012 Location: Canada Gender: Female Posts: 11	This feeling is what I am most afraid of. It's what I try my hardest to avoid. I get very uncomfortable in new social situations and it has always taken me a while to calm down and feel comfortable enough to enjoy myself. When I am first in a room with a bunch of new people I"m too busy trying to deal with my rising anxiety to relax enough to try to enjoy connecting with others. Consequently I'm frequently the person sitting there alone. I get really nervous when I don't have some people I already know that I can go sit with and talk to. I don't know what to do with myself when I suddenly find myself standing alone. If I'm out with my boyfriend I can kind of wander over to where he is and join in that conversation, but at an event by myself? I haven't figured out any coping strategies yet. I feel kind of rudderless in a stream and what you described would be my worst nightmare. I think I have been scarred by all the times in the past when I'd just sit there alone at a party of social event, not knowing how to connect with those around me (and being too nervous to want to) feeling terrible about myself and the situation. When I suddenly find myself in this situation I feel major fear coming on. __________________ “Peace comes from within. Do not seek it without.” Buddha

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08-06-2012, 11:50 AM	#20 (permalink)
AngelClare Status: SAS Member Join Date: Jul 2012 Location: New York City Gender: Male Posts: 1,838	OK, I've been in this situation many times. The people you see talking and enjoying themselves are talking to people they regularly talk to at work. If you don't have anyone at a party that you can hang with it's going to be awkward. You can try to find other people in the same boat and talk to them. I used to find someone, cling to them by asking 1000 questions until they politely escaped me. Sucks when they slink away leaving you alone I don't ask 1000 questions anymore. Also now I talk to more people so I'm seldom in your situation at office parties. But if I were in your situation I wouldn't hang around if I can't find anyone to talk to. It looks bad if people see you just standing around by yourself. I wish my office had beer. Next time drink 2 or 3 beers and you'll loosen up (don't go too far and run someone over with a lawnmower [Mad Men]). Again, talk to more people at work so that next time you won't get stuck like this.