I am so bore right now. I hate my life so much. All alone on my birthday, nothing to do, watching TV is too depressing. I am also hungry, too poor to buy any food either. The sky isn't sunny, it gloomy. My dad doesn't understand that I'm bore, he is such a *****, I hope he die, I am too miserable. He tell me I didn't see you read any of the book you bought home from school. OMG I slam the door on him. I just want to die, but I want to die in peace. I really want to die so badly, it just I don't want my mom to die also. I wish I could die, and my family would go on living like they always do. Why can't I die? I seen other people with awesome live suddenly die due to a drunk driver or illegal street racing, or caught in a gunfire. I can't concentrate in school. I'm too stupid to go to the university of California school. I'm too depress and sad. I bought a 360, turn out of all the 360, this one couldn't display next-gen quality graphic. I couldn't even play a single game during my long one month break here at home. Just my luck, I hate everything about myself: look, life, height, race, name, and etc... I hate my family also. I never did anything fun ever in my life. Even before I found out I have social anxiety, my life was hell already. I keep pretending to be happy, but I just can't no more. I can't live life, knowing that love doesn't exist. What kind of life is this? I wish I was rather gay. I can't stand looking at hot girl, the utterly feeling of pure sadness is too overwhelming. It hurt deep inside so much. I wrote a diary since I was 12, I been reading it today, out of 300 pages that I wrote, not a lot since I don't write every single day, but there nothing in those page that display a happy person. Maybe I can use my life as a book, and make a few buck. I don't know, I can't write, read, socialize, react, get angry, be manly, concentrate, and etc... Life has no meaning. It true, not every person that exist on earth has a purpose to live, and I'm living breeding proof that those people exist. I don't know what to do. The only time I feel rested is when I go to sleep, but I can't still all 24 hours. I will be back in college in 2 days, 8 hours away from my family. I wonder how this quarter will go. I have already made too many mistake. Fail all my class my first quarter. Brain all **** up, were all mentally ill. Can't seem to do anything right. Chicken out off the dorm party. Couldn't decide to drink or do drug, or anything. I can't make decision period. Been avoiding my 2 friends since thanksgiving. Mom yell at me everyday, said I don't go out more. Said I'm a loser, that I don't act or look like anyone else. She said she want me to suck my friend balls, and suck it up to them. In here eye, I'm a loser even though my friend has everything going for him. I am a loser, I hate myself, I pity anyone who is like me. This is not how life suppose to be, but for some, we are a mistake. I am a mistake, I'm not afraid to say it, it true. I was a mistake since I was born. I wasn't even born healthy. I was born in a crappy hospital, and my dad barely got out of jail. I was underweight. Well that doesn't matter, College is a *****, my family is a *****, I am a *****, god is a *****, life is a *****.
This has got to be my worst writing, but I'm too depress to pretend to be happy. There nothing I can do, I just don't know what to do. I want to kill myself so badly, but I can't do this to my mom. I can't pay attention in school, I can't watch TV, I can't do anything right. I don't even know what partying is like. I can't even look at girls.
More lonely and depressing day is going to come.