Intense boredom

[Chris 2]

I am so bore right now. I hate my life so much. All alone on my birthday, nothing to do, watching TV is too depressing. I am also hungry, too poor to buy any food either. The sky isn't sunny, it gloomy. My dad doesn't understand that I'm bore, he is such a *****, I hope he die, I am too miserable. He tell me I didn't see you read any of the book you bought home from school. OMG I slam the door on him. I just want to die, but I want to die in peace. I really want to die so badly, it just I don't want my mom to die also. I wish I could die, and my family would go on living like they always do. Why can't I die? I seen other people with awesome live suddenly die due to a drunk driver or illegal street racing, or caught in a gunfire. I can't concentrate in school. I'm too stupid to go to the university of California school. I'm too depress and sad. I bought a 360, turn out of all the 360, this one couldn't display next-gen quality graphic. I couldn't even play a single game during my long one month break here at home. Just my luck, I hate everything about myself: look, life, height, race, name, and etc... I hate my family also. I never did anything fun ever in my life. Even before I found out I have social anxiety, my life was hell already. I keep pretending to be happy, but I just can't no more. I can't live life, knowing that love doesn't exist. What kind of life is this? I wish I was rather gay. I can't stand looking at hot girl, the utterly feeling of pure sadness is too overwhelming. It hurt deep inside so much. I wrote a diary since I was 12, I been reading it today, out of 300 pages that I wrote, not a lot since I don't write every single day, but there nothing in those page that display a happy person. Maybe I can use my life as a book, and make a few buck. I don't know, I can't write, read, socialize, react, get angry, be manly, concentrate, and etc... Life has no meaning. It true, not every person that exist on earth has a purpose to live, and I'm living breeding proof that those people exist. I don't know what to do. The only time I feel rested is when I go to sleep, but I can't still all 24 hours. I will be back in college in 2 days, 8 hours away from my family. I wonder how this quarter will go. I have already made too many mistake. Fail all my class my first quarter. Brain all **** up, were all mentally ill. Can't seem to do anything right. Chicken out off the dorm party. Couldn't decide to drink or do drug, or anything. I can't make decision period. Been avoiding my 2 friends since thanksgiving. Mom yell at me everyday, said I don't go out more. Said I'm a loser, that I don't act or look like anyone else. She said she want me to suck my friend balls, and suck it up to them. In here eye, I'm a loser even though my friend has everything going for him. I am a loser, I hate myself, I pity anyone who is like me. This is not how life suppose to be, but for some, we are a mistake. I am a mistake, I'm not afraid to say it, it true. I was a mistake since I was born. I wasn't even born healthy. I was born in a crappy hospital, and my dad barely got out of jail. I was underweight. Well that doesn't matter, College is a *****, my family is a *****, I am a *****, god is a *****, life is a *****.

This has got to be my worst writing, but I'm too depress to pretend to be happy. There nothing I can do, I just don't know what to do. I want to kill myself so badly, but I can't do this to my mom. I can't pay attention in school, I can't watch TV, I can't do anything right. I don't even know what partying is like. I can't even look at girls.

More lonely and depressing day is going to come.

[seattlegrunge]

That is some intense self hatred you got there. I have a lot too. At 19 years old (I'm 17) we're too young to kill ourselves. Maybe you can let off some anger by listening to music (it definitely helps me).

[billy]

Yeah I know how you're feeling. Hang in there.

[trey]

While I can't relate with the self-hating, that must be hell to live with. Maybe try figuring out what it is you do well? Everyone has atleast 1 thing, no matter how (seemingly) insignificant. Find that and build upon it.

I totally understand your boredom though, and the inability to stay focussed that comes along with it. For years and years I've looked around and seen other people seeming to be content with what they're do. They look so happy, comfortable. Then I look at myself and I'm always so bored out of my mind I just want to jump through a glass window or yell as loud as I can. Something, anything to cause some kind of stimulation in my life, even if only for a moment.

I even tried skydiving several years back and I was honestly disappointed with it. I hadn't gone into it expecting a life changing experience, but I landed and my reaction was "Meh." I looked at the other jumpers and they were going nuts, they thought it was awesome. I felt no rush, nothing from it.

I think part of the problem is that all throughout history humans have had to scrape out their existence. Farming, settling new lands, going into space, etc. Now we're in a time where there's really no big goals left. There's no dream shared by the world. It's day in, day out. Very mundane, very streamlined. You go to school, go to more school, get job, get married, have kids, get old, quit job, wait to die. That's not exciting in the least.

[irishgirl]

I wish I could give you a great big hug right now. I know what it's like to be where you're at and it feels like nothing can make it better. Try to hang in there and rely on people you meet here to be there for you and listen to you. It has helped me alot. Hang in there Chris!

[Chris 2]

What am I suppose to do, just go straight out and tell my parent that I have been a loser for so long? I have been a loner ever since I was born and that college is the first time I ever had any friends? Does it get any more humiliating or embarrassing than that? They never take my depression and boredom even serious. I told them I was going to hang myself, and they just simply ignore the whole thing. My mom goes and say the worst thing you can say to a depress person "your the luckiest kid in the world and don't you forget that) . Once again I wish I never set one foot on this earth.

look at me, I never done drug or drink in my life, but yet people tell me that I look high. And it because off all my tear and I am severely depress that I look so high. When I was 13, I had 8 white hair. I honestly don't know what to do now. I am trap, trap on this earth until I die. How I wish I could save someone life by taking my own, just giving them another chance at life because somehow they got kill by a drunk driver, and how they have so much going for them. Maybe then I have some meaning to my life. Too bad, I just simply have too many near death experience and some of these are, being chase by 2 giant pit bull, getting hit by a car (hospitalize) (didn't break a single bone), fall off a 2 story house, another dog chase, and etc...

SAS is nothing compare to what I face
SAS is the outcome of my life

[minimized]

Yeah, I can sympathize... I really wish I could die and give someone more worthy another opportunity at life and just get lucky and run into bad fortune that kills me then I can't be blamed for bringing the pain of loss on others.

And then college starts again... I wish I could say I knew a way out of this. Hang in there.

[GordonGecko]

I can relate to your self hatred but I don't know how to get past it. It sounds like you're in college? If so, is there a counsellor or similar you could talk to there? It sucks that your parents don't listen but there are people out there who will take you seriously. Can you talk to a doctor about it? (I don't know how the health insurance thing works in the US)