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Old 03-29-2011, 03:54 PM   #1 (permalink)
VII
 
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Default I'm getting tired of being embarrassed.

I'm embarrassed over everything I do. I don't feel like anxiety is the word, although I suppose that's where this gets grouped, but embarrassment is just the best way to describe it. I'm embarrassed when I talk to people who are more socially adjusted than I am (but if they have anxiety issues too, it's no issue at all), I'm too embarrassed to be intimate with the guy I'm seeing (as in, I will be, but I can't kiss him without him kissing me first, I can't make any move to please him, I can't do anything without him starting it), sometimes I feel too embarrassed to let him see me and know things about me. I find the tiniest flaw in myself and get deeply embarrassed over it. I constantly look back on situations that didn't go super smoothly and feel embarrassed that they happened. I'm aware everyone goes through this in life, but I can't put them behind me. I'm too embarrassed to make phone calls and I feel so the whole time on the phone. I've been a member of an internet forum for 11 years, and I used to be social on it, but now I'm too embarrassed to post. And when I do, I'm too embarrassed to check any replies after my own. I more than expect someone to insult me... I just know that there's something waiting that I don't want to read. Then I start feeling ashamed in these social situations, online or off. And yet, I don't feel that I'm shy. I can approach people no problem. I'll hang out in groups no problem. It's just I don't think of things to say and then when I do say something, I feel it was stupid. I have a general opinion of myself that I'm above average at most things and I'm doing well for myself, but when actually going through experiences, I feel inferior. When I was seeing a therapist, he asked what goes through my head when I'm having suicidal thoughts. I couldn't really give him an answer because it's just cloudy after those thoughts go away. But I realize now it's feelings of shame. For not excelling at life quite enough. I've always expected the most out of myself, because I usually do do awesomely, but when I don't do literally everything perfect, which I understand that who can?, then I feel like my life isn't worthy of keeping. I'm on a medication that takes the suicidal thoughts away, but I still see the beginning of that path of thinking. I still feel the shame of who I am as a person. I'm not good enough for my own standards. How do I begin to accept myself for making mistakes when I know exactly what's going through another person's mind of what they're thinking about me?

My medication history in case anyone wants to ask: I've tried the typical antidepressants which has gone nowhere. I've tried benzos which do nothing (and what I'd like to know is why not?). I'm on an antipsychotic that treats my depression/suicidal thinking but not any kind of anxiety. I was on a stimulant for a while that seemed to help a bit but I grew tolerance very quickly and was getting headaches and blah. I've read too much mixed stuff on Buspar to know if it's worth a shot? What's left to try? And really, why don't benzos work?

I've also given up on the therapist route after seeing someone for over a year. So I'm just here making one topic for you guys to see if anyone has any advice or tips of any kind at all! Much appreciated if you've read this far.
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Old 03-29-2011, 04:51 PM   #2 (permalink)
 
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Could've said the same thing actually.
I'd say to not care about what people think and that you're in no way inferior. If you put yourself from an outside perspective then what you do is actually quite understandable. Demeaning yourself is unhealthy. Everybody makes mistakes and the only thing you would be blamed for is caring too much in these events and beating yourself up about it. You are who you are. Why be embarrassed about it?
I sound really tacky. >.>
Did it help at all? luls
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Old 03-29-2011, 04:51 PM   #3 (permalink)
 
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I've read a lot of story's about people recovering from social anxiety and phobia and almost all of them who used Benzodiazepines said that they did much more harm than good so if they make no difference, I'd stop using them. I find in situations like that, you should challenge yourself to explain why you are embarrassed and always force yourself to do the thing you are embarrassed to do (within reason) . I know its easier said than done, buts its worth doing
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Old 03-29-2011, 04:52 PM   #4 (permalink)
 
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i hate thinking .. cause nothing good in my memory to think of .. i can't remember any situation without embarrassment , even when i go to buy something , even on the internet always regret making a thread or posting reply ..
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Old 03-29-2011, 04:56 PM   #5 (permalink)
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Freezing View Post
i hate thinking .. cause nothing good in my memory to think of .. i can't remember any situation without embarrassment , even when i go to buy something , even on the internet always regret making a thread or posting reply ..
I luv u. Do you regret it now?
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Old 03-29-2011, 05:14 PM   #6 (permalink)
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by beshino View Post
I luv u. Do you regret it now?
yes , cause i always don't know what to say , i can't choose good words
that make others think i am friendly ..this is my problem ..
i mean i want people to think i am not rude , but when i think i am talking good , i make things worse lol
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Old 03-29-2011, 05:33 PM   #7 (permalink)
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Freezing View Post
yes , cause i always don't know what to say , i can't choose good words
that make others think i am friendly ..this is my problem ..
i mean i want people to think i am not rude , but when i think i am talking good , i make things worse lol
You mean unfriendly?
Yeah I do that too but it's just cause that's who I am.
You basically have to force me to talk to someone if it's someone new.
When I know the person it's like "zumg look at my nipples" and all that but...
I get very nervous in front of people. =[
Being comfortable with myself would help me a lot more but eh..
Just those situations where I'd think it's compromising makes me look so awkward.
I'm such an awkward person...
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Old 11-20-2013, 06:07 AM   #8 (permalink)
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Coincidence View Post
yes , cause i always don't know what to say , i can't choose good words
that make others think i am friendly ..this is my problem ..
i mean i want people to think i am not rude , but when i think i am talking good , i make things worse lol
I do the same thing.
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Old 11-20-2013, 06:24 AM   #9 (permalink)
 
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If you check "medications"on this forum they have a list of medications. Some i have not heard of. So I 'd give that a look it might be helpful.
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