I'm Failing

[Dying note]

I can't stop crying right now. I'm furious with myself and my patience is nearly spent for dealing with therapy. It isn't working; the medication isn't working...

My therapist for two sessions in a row now has gotten me upset by bringing up everything I still have not done, in what I take as a pushy, bossy attitude that I can't stand hearing. I can't be fixed and I can't make myself want the same things everyone else wants....all the things we grow up being told we should do or want in life. I'm not just talking about driving, it's everything. I don't know why I'm still here. I feel absolutely nothing anymore for my future. My therapist says I should make a five year plan. All I could think of was 'are you kidding?'. Five years, right now, feels impossible.

Why is it that the darkest things in my mind are never what I am able to tell the one person who should know? I'm scared. As much as I don't trust myself, explaining myself to someone who isn't even close to knowing the full story is a nightmare to me. My heart starts to race at times just thinking about that.

I'm probably not making sense. I'm just tired of dealing with all of this; the anxiety and depression, and everything I can never bring myself to really say......

[luckyduck]

I can tell you're going through a lot right now. I'm really sorry that you're having such a hard time. It sounds like you and your therapist are on different pages right now and their attempts at helping are just making you more distressed. Do you think this is something you can discuss with him/her? I'm sure they don't mean to make you feel that way and maybe you can help them get back on track. It may even be that you and your therapist are simply not a good match. I've heard someone say that finding a good therapist is a bit like dating-- you have to shop around a bit until you find someone who complements your personality. You might consider finding a new one if you thought it came down to that.

I understand how the future seems bleak and you can't imagine going on like this for another five years. Not to minimize your suffering, but I know there are many here who have had similar experiences. I've definitely been there before, and it's not a nice place to be. It may feel like you're up against a brick wall, but I promise you it will get better in time. If it ever gets to be too much, you don't have to think too hard about the future, just concentrate on making your life livable for the present. Sometimes you just have to take things one day at a time.

I hope this helps even a tiny bit. Best of luck to you, and stay strong!

[StrangeSpirit]

I to have a depressing view of the future. Most people go through life driven by various goals, but how do you get motivated when there is nothing you want or that interests you. On this website most people want to beat anxiety so they can live there lives and do the things they want.

My hope is that the anxiety/depression is just clouding my mind and one day I may be able to move on, but for now time just keeps going by and I'm starting to think that this is just who I am at the core.

[Dying note]

I do appreciate your comments luckyduck. I may just look for a new therapist instead of completely giving up. It's hard for me to even get a hold of what it is I need anymore.

I know a lot of people on this site have felt a similar way at one point or another. I'm nothing special and will get through somehow.

I've been told so many times that exposure to social situations will make things a little better, but the problem is it hasn't changed anything. I'm still just as uncomfortable now as I ever was. I know it's more about being able to manage my anxiety to be able to function in this world though....Maybe I don't need anything else at all. Just accept I'll never be comfortable and stop wanting more than is necessary.

[caithiggs]

I think "just accept" is the right attitude. But "never" is not. You can't tell yourself what's going to happen in the future, you have no idea. Nobody has any idea. That's the thing we do though, we get in this rut about "forever" and the future and stuff, thinking things will always be this way, we can't see past it at all. The problem is obviously that we can't see past the anxiety, not that it will remain the same forever.

I just nearly had a panic attack today while driving. Got stuck on this one same road for like fifteen minutes or something, couldn't even get out of this stupid parking lot, because I cannot drive! Anyway, still really pissing me off right now you know? But I have this pretty strong voice in the back of my head that's a lot smarter than I actually am, which lets me know that this experience isn't like any kind of judgment on me or my abilities, it's just a simple fact that I have very little driving experience, and it's something that puts a lot of pressure on me, so naturally I'm going to freak out when it doesn't work out for me. But like next week, I won't have to worry about driving so my life will go on.

I dunno, I hate psychs and stuff, I trust myself better than I trust other people. So when other people are failing you, or you can't live up to other people's standards (like I can't live up to the standards of learning how to drive) it isn't like a judgment on you. You are still a human being, its just that those outside forces are really hard on who you are, because you need something different. The problem is we can't find enough alternatives in the world so we get stuck on being unable to live up to the most common and mainstream standards. But it doesn't help us find out what makes us personally live easier. A therapist might give you a course that helps people find a way to live easier, but that doesn't mean it's going to help you, it's just one that particular therapist has come up with or whatever, that may help some people, but not everyone.

I really think the most important thing in life is to find things out for yourself, and that takes longer than following other people's patterns. But seriously, if you learn about yourself before you listen to other people, before you listen to that voice telling you you're not living up to outside standards, then you will be able to go through life and make adjustments to those standards as you go. Because they shouldn't mold you, you should mold them. You know? That's always been my problem, outside forces only hinder me, unless I discover and claim my insidce forces first.

That probably made no sense, but, that's all I have right now.

I hope you are feeling better soon.

[Dying note]

Originally Posted by caithiggs

I think "just accept" is the right attitude. But "never" is not. You can't tell yourself what's going to happen in the future, you have no idea. Nobody has any idea. That's the thing we do though, we get in this rut about "forever" and the future and stuff, thinking things will always be this way, we can't see past it at all. The problem is obviously that we can't see past the anxiety, not that it will remain the same forever.

I just nearly had a panic attack today while driving. Got stuck on this one same road for like fifteen minutes or something, couldn't even get out of this stupid parking lot, because I cannot drive! Anyway, still really pissing me off right now you know? But I have this pretty strong voice in the back of my head that's a lot smarter than I actually am, which lets me know that this experience isn't like any kind of judgment on me or my abilities, it's just a simple fact that I have very little driving experience, and it's something that puts a lot of pressure on me, so naturally I'm going to freak out when it doesn't work out for me. But like next week, I won't have to worry about driving so my life will go on.

I dunno, I hate psychs and stuff, I trust myself better than I trust other people. So when other people are failing you, or you can't live up to other people's standards (like I can't live up to the standards of learning how to drive) it isn't like a judgment on you. You are still a human being, its just that those outside forces are really hard on who you are, because you need something different. The problem is we can't find enough alternatives in the world so we get stuck on being unable to live up to the most common and mainstream standards. But it doesn't help us find out what makes us personally live easier. A therapist might give you a course that helps people find a way to live easier, but that doesn't mean it's going to help you, it's just one that particular therapist has come up with or whatever, that may help some people, but not everyone.

I really think the most important thing in life is to find things out for yourself, and that takes longer than following other people's patterns. But seriously, if you learn about yourself before you listen to other people, before you listen to that voice telling you you're not living up to outside standards, then you will be able to go through life and make adjustments to those standards as you go. Because they shouldn't mold you, you should mold them. You know? That's always been my problem, outside forces only hinder me, unless I discover and claim my insidce forces first.

That probably made no sense, but, that's all I have right now.

I hope you are feeling better soon.

I'm sorry to hear about what happened to you while driving. I haven't driven in a while now and I know I'm going to have a hard time whenever I do actually start trying to get my license again.

You've made perfect sense. I do have my thoughts far too often stuck on what I think I 'should' be doing instead of being comfortable in my own direction. It doesn't help that I'm also very hard on myself when I make mistakes. All things I've been working on since even before I ever sought any help. I just may give up on therapists all together. I've had three different people all together that I've seen and I'm not really up for the stress it gives me now. I think my depression is getting to be more of the problem now than anxiety though. Maybe I'll leave this site for a while until....I don't know. Until I have something better to say I guess. Thank you for what you've shared. I know I have a lot left to sort out.

[Cla]

Don't give up, my life was awful when I was your age - it's got better with time and experience. I don't think trying to make 5-year plans, as your therapist suggested, is necessarily the most helpful thing to do either. I find it better to set myself smaller objectives, like going for coffee with a friend, or going swimming, when I'm feeling particularly down or anxious. Then you can gradually set bigger objectives if you want to, but ones that reflect what you enjoy doing or what you may in the future decide what would like to do. Your therapist shouldn't make you feel any pressure to make decisions about the future though; I find it's better to work on enjoying the present: the future will happen when it happens.

Good luck