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Old 11-17-2009, 03:10 AM   #1 (permalink)
 
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Default I'm a 32 year old failure

I'm not too sure where to start so I guess I brief summery of my life is fitting if I want opinions about it. Feel free to give me the brutal truth. I hate it when people candy coat things.

-When I was 2 i was put up for adoption. Birth parents where neglectful and physically abusive (I have read the court transcripts)

-Adopted parents are good Christian people. They where strict but fair and to this day I love them dearly.

-At about 10 I was diagnosed ADHD. The truth is I was actually only Hyperactive, I excelled in school when I was challenged (reading at a college comprehension level in 3rd grade and doing algebra in 6th grade). I was put on mass doses of Ritalin and other similar meds for about 4 years. I went threw about 15 councilors in that time. They would all leave when I would start to open up to them then I had to start over with someone new. My grades dropped dramatically during this time.

-At 15 I was arrested for breaking in to a neighbors house while they where gone. I was locked up till just after my 18th birthday. I graduated high school a year early while I was locked up (only to find out years later my diploma in not excepted as valid by the state that gave it to me)

-At 18 I went off to a trade school. My room mate got arrested for a large amout of drugs and I couldn't make the rent. I was homeless and still going to school till they found out I had no address and they kicked me out. That cost me about 15k in student loans

-I couldn't find steady work for 3 years. I lived with my parents during most of that time. Tried to join the army and they lost my paperwork, birth certificate (I still don't have it) and my SS card. I finally got a job working for people that treated me like garbage.

-After about 1.5 years there I took what I thought was a better job and got laid off 3 months later. This cycle continued for a few years till I finally got a break taking a job driving long haul truck. I loved this job.

-At 23 I met my biological grandmother. She lied to me so many lies that I just stopped contacting her after about 2 years.

-Once I had a good chunk of money saved (almost a years wages) an old boss commited fraud and reported to the IRS that he had paid me a LOT more then he really did. IRS emptied my bank account while I was trying to fight it. I was left living in a truck starting all over again.

-Before I could recover from the IRS hit I was forced to take a different trucking job. Thats when the economy got so bad I wasn't making enough to rent a small studio apartment.

- I had to quit as I was barely able to eat off what I was making. Long story short I am now back working for the same people that treated me like garbage years ago. And I live with my parents again, making a whopping 16k a year.

-I haven't been in a relationship (not even a date) in almost 6 years. I have only had 5 girlfriends in my life and been intimate with 2 others. I only have 1 real friend i trust and a girl i keep around as a friend with benefits (other then that I can't stand her, sorry if that makes me a bad person). I have others I'm friends with but not really any I want to hang out with all the time.

-I don't put myself out there. I hate trying to act the part in social settings. I put up a great front to be the life of the party but most of the time I would rather be at home by my self.

-I have no patience with anything or any one for that matter. I cut any one out of my life that isn't 100% true and honest; even family members. I love animals but recently rescued an abandoned kitten that is driving me up the wall at no fault of its own. I am strongly considering getting rid of it because its stressing me out. (that really sounds pathetic now that I read this, but its true).

I could go on but I think I have rambled on enough. If you actually read all of this I thank you. Bottom line is I will be turning 32 in a couple months and I have less going for me then most kids in high school. I look at all the great things my dad did in his life and it just makes me feel like I have failed him though he would never say it. There is a lot more to say but I figured I would just stick with the highlights.

I'm not sure what I want out of this long post. Maybe I just need to vent.
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Old 11-17-2009, 03:16 AM   #2 (permalink)
 
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You said be brutal so here goes:-

All of the above is "your story" and it will never change.

The only way to go is to take responsibility for your life NOW and decide where to go from now on.

I know it sounds harsh to have to take responsibility but once you accept it, it is the most empowering thing you can do since it means that whatever happens, you are the creator of your reality i.e. you decide what things mean, you decide how you will react (or not react) to people and situations etc.

It's never too late to get your life together.

One of my mentors was a drug addict from age 17 to 35. His name happens to be Bill Harris and now he's CEO of one of the largest personal growth movements on the planet: Centerpointe.

You must keep reminding yourself that you are in charge of your own life because it's very easy to blame outside circumstances.

Take it easy.
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Old 11-17-2009, 03:23 AM   #3 (permalink)
 
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I'm 32 as well. I don't think you are a failure. Who are you comparing yourself with and why? I have friends that are my age that are further along in their career than I am - but that does not make me a failure. You are earning money which makes you a productive member of society. Instead of focusing on all of the negative things in your life- focus on the positives. I am sure you can be kind to others and you have others that think highly of you. ( You just may not know it.) You are certainly not a failure. Focus on the positives not the negatives.
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Old 11-17-2009, 04:03 AM   #4 (permalink)
 
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I don't think you're a failure. You're just a bit lost.
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Old 11-17-2009, 04:27 AM   #5 (permalink)
 
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venting helps.

FWIW, I feel for you. you have had a long run of bad luck and a huge dose of life isn't fair crap. I am sorry for that.

however, it is always possible to start over yet again. I know people must be soooo sick of me saying this, but 32 is not too late to do anything. ok, well, perhaps you will not be the prom king, or start that high school band, etc etc....

but I am 45 and starting over (again). looking back, I wish I'd realized just how much was still open to me at 32.

If you still want to do something, start now. and go easy on yourself. it doesn't have to happen overnight. You have time.

sometimes, all that matters is picking one thing, just one thing you want to do, and seeing it through to the very bitter end.

you have a lot of unfinished stuff, it sounds to me. lots of loose ends, fizzled out trails. perhaps seeing something through may give you a lot of satisfaction - knowing you have the self discipline and perseverance to do it - perhaps this may help more than anything. i don't know. just guessing. pick one thing and do whatever you have to do to accomplish it?

good luck, and vent more if you want. if nothing else, forums such as this can be places for venting too.
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Old 11-21-2009, 01:42 PM   #6 (permalink)
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jwill226 View Post
I'm not too sure where to start so I guess I brief summery of my life is fitting if I want opinions about it. Feel free to give me the brutal truth. I hate it when people candy coat things.

-When I was 2 i was put up for adoption. Birth parents where neglectful and physically abusive (I have read the court transcripts)

-Adopted parents are good Christian people. They where strict but fair and to this day I love them dearly.

-At about 10 I was diagnosed ADHD. The truth is I was actually only Hyperactive, I excelled in school when I was challenged (reading at a college comprehension level in 3rd grade and doing algebra in 6th grade). I was put on mass doses of Ritalin and other similar meds for about 4 years. I went threw about 15 councilors in that time. They would all leave when I would start to open up to them then I had to start over with someone new. My grades dropped dramatically during this time.

-At 15 I was arrested for breaking in to a neighbors house while they where gone. I was locked up till just after my 18th birthday. I graduated high school a year early while I was locked up (only to find out years later my diploma in not excepted as valid by the state that gave it to me)

-At 18 I went off to a trade school. My room mate got arrested for a large amout of drugs and I couldn't make the rent. I was homeless and still going to school till they found out I had no address and they kicked me out. That cost me about 15k in student loans

-I couldn't find steady work for 3 years. I lived with my parents during most of that time. Tried to join the army and they lost my paperwork, birth certificate (I still don't have it) and my SS card. I finally got a job working for people that treated me like garbage.

-After about 1.5 years there I took what I thought was a better job and got laid off 3 months later. This cycle continued for a few years till I finally got a break taking a job driving long haul truck. I loved this job.

-At 23 I met my biological grandmother. She lied to me so many lies that I just stopped contacting her after about 2 years.

-Once I had a good chunk of money saved (almost a years wages) an old boss commited fraud and reported to the IRS that he had paid me a LOT more then he really did. IRS emptied my bank account while I was trying to fight it. I was left living in a truck starting all over again.

-Before I could recover from the IRS hit I was forced to take a different trucking job. Thats when the economy got so bad I wasn't making enough to rent a small studio apartment.

- I had to quit as I was barely able to eat off what I was making. Long story short I am now back working for the same people that treated me like garbage years ago. And I live with my parents again, making a whopping 16k a year.

-I haven't been in a relationship (not even a date) in almost 6 years. I have only had 5 girlfriends in my life and been intimate with 2 others. I only have 1 real friend i trust and a girl i keep around as a friend with benefits (other then that I can't stand her, sorry if that makes me a bad person). I have others I'm friends with but not really any I want to hang out with all the time.

-I don't put myself out there. I hate trying to act the part in social settings. I put up a great front to be the life of the party but most of the time I would rather be at home by my self.

-I have no patience with anything or any one for that matter. I cut any one out of my life that isn't 100% true and honest; even family members. I love animals but recently rescued an abandoned kitten that is driving me up the wall at no fault of its own. I am strongly considering getting rid of it because its stressing me out. (that really sounds pathetic now that I read this, but its true).

I could go on but I think I have rambled on enough. If you actually read all of this I thank you. Bottom line is I will be turning 32 in a couple months and I have less going for me then most kids in high school. I look at all the great things my dad did in his life and it just makes me feel like I have failed him though he would never say it. There is a lot more to say but I figured I would just stick with the highlights.

I'm not sure what I want out of this long post. Maybe I just need to vent.
You're not as much of a failure as I am. I'm almost 28, and I have no job, no skills, and I live with my parents. I've never had ONE girlfriend, much less been intimate with one. Count your blessings man. You're still better off than some people.
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Old 11-21-2009, 01:51 PM   #7 (permalink)
 
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You need to read my signature - when you are at the bottom, there is nowhere to go but up.

I am still working on the dating thing - as I am 34 and haven't even attempted to date. I have a really good job that I have been at for over four years now and excel.
I would have to say that my growth exploded when my father passed away in January 2007. It was a kick in the tail for me as I have had to face a lot of things he left behind as well as my own well-being.

It can be done, but you have to know what it takes. You are there.
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Old 11-21-2009, 02:44 PM   #8 (permalink)
 
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being back to square one, is a hard thing to swallow, believe me i can relate.
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Old 11-21-2009, 03:05 PM   #9 (permalink)
 
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I think you are more successful than most people to be honest. You've survived through all this bull**** and can honestly say you've had more bad luck in your lifetime than the typical person yet you're still alive and moving forward. I admire that. I hope you find whatever it is that makes you feel fulfilled because you deserve it.
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