I need to say something to someone--Friendship jealousy

[carambola]

It makes me inordinately happy when people make an effort to talk to me, or try to help me. I have spent so much time just feeling like a distant observer of everyone else. That someone would recognize me and accept me in some way makes me feel more like an actual human participant in life. Last spring, someone talked to me, encouraged me, offered help, gave me his number, gave me rides home, took me to a couple of shyness/SA group meetings, called me a "friend". I'm sure the word doesn't mean much to him, but he was the closest thing to a friend I'd made in over seven years, so that was quite affecting for me.

When he took me home at the end of the spring semester, he told me "Call me sometime. We can do something." Knowing I can't ask people to do things with me out of fear that it would be boring or draining or awkward for them, I said "Okay . . . I probably won't." I felt I should explain the reason behind it so he would know it wasn't because I just wasn't interested in doing anything ever, but I didn't know how. His reply was "You probably won't? . . . Well, find another group, then." (because he wouldn't be able to take me to the SA ones in the future)

I didn't find another group or ask him to do anything, but we did have classes on the same nights, and he gave me rides home here and there.

During the summer, the teacher of his new voice class started having him accompany a talented student during her private lessons at the school (he's a pianist who wants to be a vocal coach). One night when I'd been waiting for him to get out of class to go home, it turned out my "friend" was going out with people from class afterward. When he saw me, he called back to this girl he'd been working with, "Let me take her home, and then I'll meet you there." I suddenly felt like some extraneous chore when what I wanted, more than rides home, was to have a friend, to not feel lonely for a while. I'd been hoping he'd ask me to do something else every time he drove me home. He asked me if I wanted to go, but as I tried to decide whether I was willing to place myself in the midst of a bunch of people who have a class together as an outsider, he sort of rejected the invitation for me, which made me feel worse, like it was never a real invitation to begin with.

The next day, he gave me a ride home with the aforementioned girl and some other girl from the class in the car because they were going to go eat together after he dropped me off. I felt lesser. I felt awkward. I felt horrible. It was like I was being shown how unworthy of friendship I was by being forced to witness the worthy. They talked, while I sat silently the whole way. I tried to make the sarcasm come out a little in the "thanks" I gave for the ride, but he didn't notice. I stopped taking rides from him to avoid putting myself in that situation again.

I'm sure this shouldn't have made me feel bad, and yet I also felt like it must have been obvious that it would be awkward for me to be in that situation. I know it's a little crazy for me to react to it the way I did, but . . . I don't know. Does anyone understand?

I'm taking a class with the teacher he started working with over the summer. The super-talented student goes to all his classes, and her new friend (aka my "friend") is sitting in on this one, too. They came in late today together with coffee. The other girl he made friends with from the summer class is also coming. They look at each other and make comments throughout. I am just my lone, isolated self. When I looked at him for support before I sang on the first night of class, I got no reaction. Seeing them tonight, I was on the verge of tears again and again.

I was going to leave on my own tonight but he asked at the break if I wanted a ride and I ended up saying "I guess." He told me I had to smile if I wanted entry into his car. When I stated that I had nothing to smile about, he replied that I did because I was in his presence. He accepted my eye-rolling reaction to this as a smile, but . . . I would still smile genuinely upon seeing him if it didn't just make me feel lonelier now.

Today was hard. I've struggled through in desperate need of sleep, consistently late and unprepared. I'm feeling rather hopeless in general and would like to withdraw from everything as an easy way out, so the solution right now looks like "drop the class, don't call, forget about trying to have friends."

If anyone has any thoughts or suggestions, I'd appreciate them.
Is there a way I can talk to him about this in a way that might be helpful? I'm thinking not about the jealousy, because it would probably seem too weird. But maybe I could talk to him about wanting to do stuff but being afraid? Somehow?

[carambola]

I feel similarly in group situations where everyone except me ends up chatting and making friends. But this is a more intense version because those are total strangers and this is someone I know and want as a friend.

[anomal2]

The "thanks" for the ride situation sounds humiliating. At least awkward. Tense. Yet not intense. One of those slightly murky social situations that no word exactly describes. Like when a glass of wine drops to the floor, and there's a murky moment, a memory replay, of when the glass was merely teetering, tilting but still catchable.

I think you should stay in the class. Why? Because I turn to depressive French writers for advice to life's problems.

Michel Houellebecq writes:
"Life is a series of destruction tests. Pass the first of them, and fail the later ones. Ruin your life, but not by much. And suffer, always suffer. You should learn to feel the pain in every one of your pores. Each fragment of the universe should be a personal injury to you. And yet, you must stay alive—at least for a certain time. Timidity is not to be looked down upon. It has been considered the sole source of inner wealth; this is not far wrong. In fact, it is in the moment of delay between will and act that interesting mental phenomena begin to be manifest. The man for whom this delay is absent remains little more than an animal. Timidity is an excellent point of departure for a poet."

So stay in class. And cultivate your resentment of the prettier girl. And go on long beautiful walks past tear-blurred trees while holding an imaginary hand as you regurgitate the pains of loneliness and envy through your regrettable memories. Someday you'll become a better musician or poet, or drug addled prostitute, or whatever career the future holds for you. Savor your college experiences.

[KumagoroBeam]

Originally Posted by anomal2

So stay in class. And cultivate your resentment of the prettier girl. And go on long beautiful walks past tear-blurred trees while holding an imaginary hand as you regurgitate the pains of loneliness and envy through your regrettable memories. Someday you'll become a better musician or poet, or drug addled prostitute, or whatever career the future holds for you. Savor your college experiences.

That was so poetic...

[carambola]

I don't feel as bad about this today. I asked for help and he was still willing to give it, so I'm at least feeling less ignored.

Still, I'd rather feel liked or appreciated in some way, but he did call the talented girl a b**** in the midst of talking about how much he liked her and her voice, and however little he may actually like me at least I'm pretty sure he wouldn't think that about me .

I know I'll feel alone and hurt again in class next Monday.

What he said adds more weight to my feeling that the girl was subtly mocking me in what she's said and how she's acted toward me. I'd told myself it was likely to just be anxious paranoia before.

[carambola]

I talked to him.

He did not even say "Hi" to me before, during, or after class. I said his name a few times to get his attention as he was leaving the room to make sure he even realized I was there, and he hardly acknowledged me before going on to continue chatting. As I waited nearby in the hall for him after class, talented girl started whispering, so I started moving farther away, until I decided I'd just leave and take the bus. I hesitated as I passed his car in the parking lot and decided to wait a few minutes. He came out yelling my name and saying he'd been looking for me inside. He asked me what was up a few times in the car but I couldn't say anything.

I called him a while later. He said he hadn't noticed me, that he'd given up on trying to draw me into things because it just seemed to scare me more, that he tried to speak to me when he saw me but I tended to hide and shrink away. He said to just sit by him next time, that he'd save me a seat (I suspect he won't remember), and that I had an open invitation to join them whenever they went out.

He also told me to stop taking piano lessons so I could afford counseling. Bleh. I've gotten more out of piano than I ever did from counseling.

[Cillian9]

Honestly, it sounds like he is going out of his way to bring you out of your shell. I have not met a lot of people that would do that for me - usually they just get tired and give up. Maybe next time accept his invitation, or if you're uncomfortable with that, ask if he'd like to go and eat together (as friends). He already knows about your SA, so just tell him having dinner in a group with people you don't know well is too much for you.

[Pialicious88]

ur situation is VERY similar to mine, i have no friends i'm takin vocal lessons and i started seeing my teacher as a friend (he's the closest thing i've had to a friend in a while) and i get jealous when he talks about his other friends..why? no idea, anyways i know how u feel

[Johnny_Genome]

Sounds like he's trying, which is cool. I've had similar feelings—it's hard when you sense someone is moving on and you can't go along for the ride.

[carambola]

It's definitely cool that he's trying, but the whole thing is upsetting, too. I have the chance at a friend for the first time in seven years, and yet I've seen others almost instantly become much better friends with him. I felt better about things before that was being rubbed in my face.

The feeling that he's not really paying much attention me isn't even just my own crazy interpretation; someone else said to me today, "dude, your friend just kind of blew you off." Yeah, I know. grr.

Last night in voice class, he did say "hi" to me when he came in, but then instead of passing the attendance sheet back to me (in the column pattern everyone else had been using), he handed it to the side, to Del (as I shall henceforth call the talented singer), so that I got skipped and then ended up being the last person left with the sheet, nervously unsure of what to do with it. It's kind of funny that such a little thing would bother me, but I think it's genuinely telling, and I'm frustrated that I don't know how to give myself a stronger presence.

Friday, I was feeling terrible and I didn't want to talk about it because I didn't want to act outwardly crazy and negative, but I was certain that if I could just have a chance at a non-negative interaction with someone, that would be enough to clear up the bad feelings and allow me to act positive, and that acting positive would result in the interaction being good. So I asked him if he could do something with me. He said he had to work but he'd call me when he got off on Saturday. I missed the call, tried calling him a few times, and never heard back from him over the weekend. I was hoping doing something this weekend--something he would less likely view as another case of him giving me something--would help with establishing a more solid and balanced friendship, but it didn't work out, and now I don't want to ask again. The more ignored I feel, the less inclined I am to try.

How can I keep trying to be friends with him when my attempts only lead to me feeling like an annoyance, or like at best he is indifferent to me but charitable enough to give me some time here and there?

Maybe I'll back off from him as much as I can for a couple of weeks so I feel less annoying, and then try asking him to eat with me (meanwhile he's still going to be working with and hanging out with Del almost every day). I might ask him if he's thinking of going to the free faculty concert this Sunday, but I bet he'll have to work.

Actually, when I called and he told me he had to work, he asked me why I didn't call Del before he then realized ". . . oh, because you don't know her." I don't know what to make of that. It's like he just thought of his friends as being my friends, too. She doesn't even acknowledge me when he's not there, and I ignore her in return now because she hardly reacted the first time I said "hi" to her. He thinks she likes me and I don't see it at all. I think he just decided that she likes me because she (supposedly) thinks I'm "really pretty", but that doesn't follow.

[carambola]

I talked to my friend tonight about a guy who has been bothering me (I posted about it in another thread), and he told Del when she showed up. This girl whom I have always perceived as very comfortable and free told me that she can't call people she doesn't know and that she worries about little things she's done long after everyone else would have forgotten them. I told her she didn't seem that way at all. She said it was an act.

She may not dislike me; she said she would have asked me out if she was a guy.

We went to a sushi place later, and I didn't feel so bad about being fairly quiet there because she was deliberately not speaking much (having oversung earlier).

It was obvious most of the time that they are better friends than I am likely to be with anyone in the near future, but I felt included, and I feel okayish about the whole thing right now.

[CoconutHolder]

Yes, I've experienced MUCH friendship jealousy my whole life. Whenever a very close friend became friends with another. Whenever it would seem they were having more fun with the other and I'd become the "outsider". Actually, more often than not, that is what happens.

I've come to realize that this just may be my fate. I may never feel "right" in someone else's eyes, never feel that they truely care, feeling that they are more or less laughing internally or behind my back. I've also realized that if this is fact is the way they are acting, I'm better off without them. IF you already feel a bit lowly about yourself, pls don't let anyone bring you down any further.

With that being said, I'd give this guy another chance. Since he helped you out before - maybe he'll hear you out and be understanding, maybe. Just maybe. Because I can honestly say I've found "talking about my feelings" to friends to end up with them saying "I read too much into things" "I'm weird" or just a weird look. BUT This is because they just are not understanding of my situation. Rather, more cold than understanding of feelings. They don't even care to talk about them. Your friend doesn't seem that way so I'd give it a shot. If he gets weird about it that's his problems. We were made to be able to talk out our feelings, not hold them in. If other people can't see that and be an empathic human being, realizing we are all human and all have problems, then they are too self-absorbed to be understanding. But that's not exactly their fault - I really believe a lot of people just aren't as nearly aware as we are and therefore keep making the same silly/ignorant remarks/gestures again and again.

I've come to the point to standing on my own. If I reach a group I say hello. If I have something to say, I do. If I don't, I don't force it either. In some ways, it will make you stronger. Don't feel like you need to cling to anyone bc when that person hurts you and it's all you have, it makes you feel that much worse. If you let go of the "must have you" feeling - it's a lot easier to let things roll off of your back that the person does.

Good luck - hopefully you'll find better, more understanding friends or the one you have will understand & it will all work out.
If not, keep your head held high and know it's okay, it's actually more strong - to stand alone sometimes. ~The right person just may come along all on it's own, or you may find the power to start taking up friendship with another.



*hugs*

[carambola]

I'm posting in this thread again just because I'm feeling bad about this again. The friend told me he'd call me last night when he was leaving so I could get a ride with him, and he forgot to call (so I was just waiting around for a while and then had to wait in the cold longer). I wanted to talk to him today but the only time I saw him at school he was with the talented girl and was looking in my direction but didn't say anything, so I just looked at the ground and rushed past silently, like I do when I see other people I know and don't know what to do. I know he has a bad memory and isn't always particularly observant, but . . . I just take everything personally.

The girl still never says "hi" to me when she sees me and I'm afraid it's because she does dislike me, so every time I see her I'm uncomfortable. On the other hand, another friend of the friend who I really haven't talked to at all told me that he said "hi" to me yesterday and I ignored him, but in that case I didn't notice! The only time I recall seeing him he wasn't looking at me. This should probably console me a bit. The same guy said he was proud of me for singing in class Monday because I was obviously so nervous, which was nice, but I didn't really know how to act in response. I didn't say anything and probably acted stupid, so instead of feeling good that he said anything to me I just feel worse about myself.

[polythene]

I get friendship jealousy as well, but try to limit to situations where it's warranted (relationship jealousy is a whole 'nother thing, though). Sometimes friends (or potential friends) just aren't going to respond exactly the way you want them to, or give you as much attention or care as you want/need from them. That's just the way it is: no one can, or is obliged to respond to you exactly as you expect from them.

It does sound like he's a pretty decent guy though - from your posts he makes an effort to give you rides, to be friendly to you, and to maintain a relationship. I think you need to come to terms with the fact that he's entitled to know other people, and start working on advancing the friendship instead of getting hurt over the fact that he has other friendships. Try to channel your energy more positively - it doesn't help any relationship (friendship or otherwise) when one party is resentful and sullen. Especially when there isn't an absolutely legitimate reason.

Basically, give him a reason to want to keep being your friend. I'm sure there are reasons why he keeps talking to you and wants to help you out. Also, do you have other friendships? You might want to focus on those as well, as you might be fixating too much on this one.

[carambola]

Originally Posted by polythene

I think you need to come to terms with the fact that he's entitled to know other people, and start working on advancing the friendship instead of getting hurt over the fact that he has other friendships.

It's not exactly the fact that he has other friends, it's that I can't manage to develop the better friendship I saw the not-shy girl very quickly develop with him. I don't know what to do to advance the friendship. I can't ask him to do things with me when I feel like he wouldn't really want to. I'm not at the point where I am comfortable enough to be talkative. It takes time for me to get there, and until I do I'm afraid I'd be too boring to spend much time with.

I'm sure there are reasons why he keeps talking to you and wants to help you out.

I fear that it's mostly just that he feels sorry for me . . .

Also, do you have other friendships? You might want to focus on those as well, as you might be fixating too much on this one.

Aside from my ex-boyfriend with whom everything just feels different and damaged now, I don't have any nearby. That of course is why this is so important. I wouldn't know how to begin trying to make another friend, or even how to find someone I felt interested enough in to try.

[carambola]

I obviously can't explain without people misunderstanding, so I'll just shut up about it.

[Neptunus]

I completely see where you're coming from, as I've been in similar situations several times and come out badly.

From what I can tell, it sounds like you have a really good friend... and even if he does "feel sorry" for you, you can help change that by being more proactive, even when you don't feel like it. If his friends don't say "hi," you take the initiative - I know it's easier said than done with SA, but it's what you have to do -- what you must do to grow. I think his comment about you trading piano lessons for counseling was a "red flag" statement - that maybe your attitude is starting to strain the friendship... you have to start making an effort to change, or you WILL lose him.

Unfortunately, us SA people are overly sensitive and "normals" just don't get us -- they JUST don't! So, as tempting as it may be to hold "grudges" and "punish" him for being inconsiderate -- don't do it, or he'll start to feel suffocated and will resent you!!! So the next time he forgets to call, you call him - and don't stick it to him for forgetting - give him the benefit of the doubt instead. Trust me on this, I have lost a few great friends over such mistakes... and thus *learned* some very painful lessons. Good luck!

[Neptunus]

Originally Posted by CoconutHolder

With that being said, I'd give this guy another chance. Since he helped you out before - maybe he'll hear you out and be understanding, maybe. Just maybe. Because I can honestly say I've found "talking about my feelings" to friends to end up with them saying "I read too much into things" "I'm weird" or just a weird look. BUT This is because they just are not understanding of my situation. Rather, more cold than understanding of feelings. They don't even care to talk about them. Your friend doesn't seem that way so I'd give it a shot. If he gets weird about it that's his problems. We were made to be able to talk out our feelings, not hold them in. If other people can't see that and be an empathic human being, realizing we are all human and all have problems, then they are too self-absorbed to be understanding. But that's not exactly their fault - I really believe a lot of people just aren't as nearly aware as we are and therefore keep making the same silly/ignorant remarks/gestures again and again.

I've come to the point to standing on my own. If I reach a group I say hello. If I have something to say, I do. If I don't, I don't force it either. In some ways, it will make you stronger. Don't feel like you need to cling to anyone bc when that person hurts you and it's all you have, it makes you feel that much worse. If you let go of the "must have you"feeling - it's a lot easier to let things roll off of your back that the person does.

Qft!

[ItemEleven]

It sounds like he really wants you to be one of his friends. You seem to, in my opinion, want to be treated as if you were his only friend. I apologise if this isn't the case.
I sort of understand where you are coming from. It takes me a long time to get to know people so I feel jealous when a stranger walks up to someone I consider a friend and they hit it off instantly.