This may just be more of a rant than anything else, but goodness gracious being in public just makes me so incredibly tense and nervous all of the time. I have a huge fear of being judged. I kind of expect social rejection before it even comes to me, so I just have stopped trying to make friends or have relationships of any kind with people, because I can just tell that they dont like me or dont want to be around me or think I am dumb or something like that.
For example, this past semester in school, I was a TA for an AP Art History class along with another girl. Now, this girl has failing grades, never took the class, doesnt know the teacher, just basically got put in the class by her counselor. I am the one who enters grades in the computer, grades papers, does all of the things a TA does. But, whenever we engaged in social interactions with the teacher or students, I tend to be more quiet and not talk as much as this other girl. So, whenever I am in a one on one situation, the other person doesnt really talk to me and I feel incredibly awkward. To me, this clearly means that that person doesnt like me as much as they like Kelly and that I am socially inept.
Anyways, whenever I go out in public, I get stared at like crazy. Other girls give me dirty looks, little kids scare me, random preteen girls stare at me, creeper old men stare at me, basically everyone. It makes me feel so incredibly self conscious. I feel like I am on display or something, and everyone is just watching me walk or wait in line or pay for something, I just dont understand why they feel the need to do so. I just want to dissapear and fade back into the background.
I hate going out and whenever I do I always feel like ****