I'm getting tired of being embarrassed.
I'm embarrassed over everything I do. I don't feel like anxiety is the word, although I suppose that's where this gets grouped, but embarrassment is just the best way to describe it. I'm embarrassed when I talk to people who are more socially adjusted than I am (but if they have anxiety issues too, it's no issue at all), I'm too embarrassed to be intimate with the guy I'm seeing (as in, I will be, but I can't kiss him without him kissing me first, I can't make any move to please him, I can't do anything without him starting it), sometimes I feel too embarrassed to let him see me and know things about me. I find the tiniest flaw in myself and get deeply embarrassed over it. I constantly look back on situations that didn't go super smoothly and feel embarrassed that they happened. I'm aware everyone goes through this in life, but I can't put them behind me. I'm too embarrassed to make phone calls and I feel so the whole time on the phone. I've been a member of an internet forum for 11 years, and I used to be social on it, but now I'm too embarrassed to post. And when I do, I'm too embarrassed to check any replies after my own. I more than expect someone to insult me... I just know that there's something waiting that I don't want to read. Then I start feeling ashamed in these social situations, online or off. And yet, I don't feel that I'm shy. I can approach people no problem. I'll hang out in groups no problem. It's just I don't think of things to say and then when I do say something, I feel it was stupid. I have a general opinion of myself that I'm above average at most things and I'm doing well for myself, but when actually going through experiences, I feel inferior. When I was seeing a therapist, he asked what goes through my head when I'm having suicidal thoughts. I couldn't really give him an answer because it's just cloudy after those thoughts go away. But I realize now it's feelings of shame. For not excelling at life quite enough. I've always expected the most out of myself, because I usually do do awesomely, but when I don't do literally everything perfect, which I understand that who can?, then I feel like my life isn't worthy of keeping. I'm on a medication that takes the suicidal thoughts away, but I still see the beginning of that path of thinking. I still feel the shame of who I am as a person. I'm not good enough for my own standards. How do I begin to accept myself for making mistakes when I know exactly what's going through another person's mind of what they're thinking about me?
My medication history in case anyone wants to ask: I've tried the typical antidepressants which has gone nowhere. I've tried benzos which do nothing (and what I'd like to know is why not?). I'm on an antipsychotic that treats my depression/suicidal thinking but not any kind of anxiety. I was on a stimulant for a while that seemed to help a bit but I grew tolerance very quickly and was getting headaches and blah. I've read too much mixed stuff on Buspar to know if it's worth a shot? What's left to try? And really, why don't benzos work?
I've also given up on the therapist route after seeing someone for over a year. So I'm just here making one topic for you guys to see if anyone has any advice or tips of any kind at all! Much appreciated if you've read this far.