I'm disinterested with everything
I've finally reached a point in my life where nothing in this world is enough for me and I'm completely disinterested with everything. There were times throughout my life, like anyone else, where I was bored or just disinterested, but no more than a couple days to a week would go by before I'd eventually find something to do that held some of my interest, even if it was just a video/pc game. But nothing is helping now.
I know I'm majorly depressed and most wouldn't blame me with the poor physical condition I'm in (by birth, not choice), having to face heart surgery at 18 and recently diagnose with type 2 diabetes(not cause I'm overweight, my pancreas just stopped working), but I've met, read about and seen other people in even worse situations and after some time bounce back to normal or find a semi-normal routine. I'm fearing I might not recover, especially since death and just ending this hell has been constantly on my mind. I literally have nothing or no one to live for, I have no money, no ability to work, no jobs where I live, no place to get out of the house even for a short period, no socializing places, no friends, no family I could visit or stay with that has a better atmosphere, no ability or money to go to a therapist or psychologists, nothing...
There's a small part of me that doesn't want to give up, but I can't seem to find anything that interests me, even if it's just for a moment. I've tried reading, but after a couple pages I'm not paying attention, have to re-read sections over and over until I'm frustrated, just not in the mood, I bought a couple new video games, but barely have played as they aren't keeping my interest. I'm bored at about 15 minutes (not that they are bad games, I bought them for a reason, I just can't get myself to focus).
I'm also not sleeping, toss and turn throughout most of the night, back and body constantly aching, over-the-counter meds don't work, prescription meds have too many ill-side effects on my already dis-functioning body, herbs don't seem to work that great, focusing on my breathing or other meditative stuff only calms my rattled and anxious body momentarily, but does nothing for my mind and I still feel disinterested.
Nothing in this world or even outside of it gives me an interest or desire to live life. Even the idea of certain things or imagination of what could be doesn't even interest me. I'm very disinterested in romantic relationships, don't want to get married or have that one companion, would rather have some close friends, I don't want my own family for various reasons, most occupations or careers I really don't care about or find boring, and as much as I'd like to go traveling I have no money, transportation and my health pretty much keeps me trapped or confined.
My mother has constantly been on my back about learning things, even if I'm just watching videos on youtube, but I find it pointless to have all this knowledge if I'm not interested or will ever find a use for it or would ever take it seriously enough to do for a living/career.
I hate this feeling, but I don't know what to do about it. I wish I could be positive, enjoy life and live for something/someone.
The Litany of Fear from Dune by Frank Herbert:
I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing....only I will remain!