I Keep Making Mistakes

[Dinner]

[This is quite tl;dr, so if you hate reading, I'll post a summary at the bottom.]

Not sure if anybody remembers me since I'm not exactly an active member, but I posted a while ago about going on a job interview. I don't know if I ever updated that thread, but it went pretty well, and the interviewer liked me, but his boss said he needed to pick somebody with experience, which I understand.

I still applied to jobs here and there; of course, I never heard from any of them, but that's alright. I even applied to the NYC SYEP (this has great significance, trust me) because I was desperate. I decided that maybe I should try volunteering instead - sure, there would be no money involved, but I'd get experience and some social interaction out of the deal. Naturally, my lazy self never bothered calling the library, but alas! My cousin's place needed a file clerk, so she told her boss about me, and I was hired instantly.

Unfortunately, the travel was a bit monotonous, the boss was a very... "loud" woman, and nobody seemed like they really wanted to HAVE to train me, just threw me into tasks and then wanted me to ask them if I needed help. To be blunt: it sucked. They knew about my SA, but I don't think they understood it. And so I quit after a week (just like with the first job that I held when I was 18 at McDonald's).

Well, luck came my way once more, and I was one of the lucky ones who got chosen for the SYEP! Cool, right? Well, the application process, choosing my job, and orientation weren't that bad at all, despite having to be in a crowded room for a while (at least I didn't have to do much interacting, beyond being asked a few questions). Sadly, there was very little diversity in terms of jobs, and I had NO IDEA a) what each job entailed, and b) where any of them were located. Luckily, I chose a job I can get to by bus within 10 minutes, but...

But. It's at a store. My only options were working at a store, or working at a summer camp/school program/place for children and/or the elderly. Maybe I wasn't thinking clearly, maybe I was just being really stupid. But... tomorrow, I start my job. And I am ****ing scared out of my mind. Maybe I should have asked if they had any jobs where I wouldn't have to interact with people all that much. Maybe I should've just said forget it, dropped the whole thing and tried to volunteer (because there's less commitment there, so it would be easier for me). But no. I have now placed myself in a situation where I am stuck working at this place for seven weeks, and while that's not a long time to some, it is to me.

I should probably also mention that I literally just started taking 50mg sertraline daily on Sunday night, which I think was a big mistake to try at this point. Now I've been having the worst time sleeping for the past few nights (I can sleep, but I toss and turn a lot and my "dreams" are not... like dreams at all - it's odd), and I can't tell if it's from the medication, the stress, or possibly even both. I know it usually takes a while for medication to work for some people, but any time I ever took anything, it never took more than a week at most.

Tl;dr - I think I screwed up big time and now I'm stuck working a job I can't just quit because it's through a city program, and I really think I messed up by not speaking up in the first place about possibly getting something easier because of my SA/starting my medication right before I have to start working (which is tomorrow).

[Amirreza]

OK, If you're stuck with the job the way you say, then I guess all you can do is make the best of it. and while this might not make much sense to a "normal" person, it certainly does for someone with SA. I mean the upside is you'll get exposure, so just try to make your interactions better everyday. I know I'm oversimplifying things, but I've found that some of the most helpful exposures I've gotten over the years were ones that I never asked for myself. It's going to be a very painful 7 weeks, just remember that we SAers usually don't give ourselves enough exposure voluntarily, so it might actually be a good thing that sometimes we get unlucky like that and are forced to interact.
Is this something you can possibly Consider?

[Michael127]

Break any stressful event in your life down into steps. Break your 7 week schedule into weeks and then break your days down into mornings and afternoons. Then, remind yourself what you have to do before lunch and then again before you go home. Creating a framework helps me with school and work. Otherwise, the situations just seem too big to tackle.

[WhoIAm]

I understand how you feel because I am very similar to you. My best advice is to take it one day at a time. You can't control what has already happen, but you can control what has not happened yet. Just make the best out of your experience. When you feel down lift your spirits up and know you can achieve and conquer anything. Take control be your number one fan, your mascot and tell yourself its not problem I can do it. Its hard but nothing in life is easy and I know you have the inner strength to face any challenge. I know your scared I was scared to for my first job, for the first day of school. Don't let the fear win, let fear fear you. It's normal to be apprehensive at first, everyone is. Just remember that their are good people in this world and even though you encountered those who didn't show you compassion and understand about your SA doesn't mean all people are like that. I know if you worked with me I would do my very best to accommodate you and help you acclimate to your surroundings. I know there are others out there that will help alleviate your worries as well. You perfectly normal, and fine. I have fears so does everyone, but I know you can accomplish anything, good luck and if you ever need to talk feel free to message me .

[Dinner]

Thanks everyone. Yeah, I tend to look at things as a whole rather than picking them apart and letting whatever happens, happen (so instead of going "oh, tomorrow might suck" I go "oh, these next seven weeks are probably going to suck"). I like to analyze too much - it makes me feel like I'm preparing myself for all these different scenarios, but in reality, I'm just making myself more and more nervous. I can't help it, though. I'm going to see how tomorrow goes and update the thread then. And who knows, maybe these people will let me do more backroom stuff than cashiering (because it's a bit of a niche store and I can't imagine it being that busy).

[Dinner]

Going in a few. Dammit, I hate this.

[SkipToTheEnd]

Good on you for getting this far! It's normal to be stressed about starting a new job, don't let it prevent you from going in, though. It'll be tough at first, sure, but remember that no one expects much from the new person. Just take your time, try to stay calm and don't be hard on yourself if you aren't perfect at the job/ interacting with others. It might be scary, but it's really important that you practise socializing and this will be a great environment for it!

As for the sertraline, I'm taking it as well, and have been doing so for the past three months. It takes a while (something like six weeks) to really begin taking effect. 50mg is a small dosage used for depression, not anxiety. I expect your doctor is going to slowly increase the dose if you are taking it for the SA. I would persist with it, in your position. I am on 100mg daily, and it has really helped me a lot, with minimal side effects (I do have trouble falling asleep, but that may not be related). It's very common to experience side effects so early on (and during dosage adjustments). They usually only last a couple of weeks as your body adjusts to the drug.

Good luck. I hope your first day goes well.

[Dinner]

Thanks. Unfortunately, my "first day" wasn't much if a first day at all because the program provider got everything *** backwards. I'd rather not go into the details, but today kinda sucked because now I have to wait until tomorrow to even meet my employer, and only now am I realizing I'm not quite ready to tackle a commitment such as this. I'm very thickheaded and I don't even like to consider my own feelings, which are obviously legitimate enough considering how they manifest themselves into physical symptoms when I have to do difficult socializing.

I should've just began volunteering instead, but well. I'm an idiot. Already knew that, though.