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Old 12-27-2008, 05:10 AM   #1 (permalink)
 
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Default i have nothing to look forward to in life.

nothing. all of my friends have moved on. i'm no longer part of their lives. now i'm lonely. forever. i can't make new friends. i dont enjoy playing video games, or reading, or learning anymore. this is the lonliest and lowest point of my life so far. i've never been so lonely, so sad, so afraid, so depressed, so hopeless. I'm in high school. these are supposed to be the best years of my life. but now they are my worse. college will be worse. i know it. i can't even socially survive high school so how can i survive in college. i'm lonely forever. the real me is gone. i am sad. i have nothing. only parents who naturally love me. but no one else. i'm going insane in my soul. i can't control my social anxiety anymore. i'm even afraid when i am at home. when i'm talking to my parents, i still feel this vague social anxiety feeling. whats the point of living. i'm already wasting the fun part of my life.

this is supposed to be the age where i mature, i change, and i look at things in a different way. but how can i mature if i'm too afraid to open my mind to see things. i can't even have opinions, i cant join in conversations beccause i'm too afraid and i never have anything smart to say anyway, and i have no personality. i'm nothing. who am i? is living this life even real? who cares? i just want to f***ing get out of this life. if i continue like this, i wont ever have a boyfriend, or even get married. i mean i dont even have an interest in boys anymore. what's wrong with me? why am i so afraid to even like boys? my mind is so f***ing closed that i can't even enjoy porn or even as simple as LIKING BOYS. i'm going retarded. my soul is numb. it's staying like this and it wont change. my brain is dissintegrating slowly and my soul is fading away quietly. i'm maturing the other way. i'm thinking like a child. i repeat words i hear to soothe myself. whats wrong with me.

my feeling of social anxiety is not as overwhelming as it used to be. now when i have SA, i only feel it, but i dont get panic attacks because my other senses in my body don't feel it. they are numb and confused. now my SA is vague, but constant. at home, i feel this SA, when i'm writing this, i feel this reluctance and fear. its out of control, but small. but the small is big.
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Old 12-27-2008, 05:34 AM   #2 (permalink)
 
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I am sorry you feel that way. Are you on any meds?
High School was not the best years of my life either. Hang in there.
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Old 12-27-2008, 05:41 AM   #3 (permalink)
 
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I am sorry you feel that way. Are you on any meds?
High School was not the best years of my life either. Hang in there.
No. I started therapy and went to 2 sessions already. She says if therapy doesnt work, THEN i should go to meds. I guess i'm too young to. my brain is still maturing and changing i guess.

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Old 12-27-2008, 06:31 AM   #4 (permalink)
 
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I'm in high school. these are supposed to be the best years of my life.
That's where you're wrong. See the movie Heathers if you think high school is supposed to be a good time for anyone, even the so-called popular people.

Life starts the minute you walk out your high school building the last time and get your diploma a week or two after.

If I could do high school all over again, which I wouldn't, but if I had to, I'd concentrate on my classes and get the best grades possible. That's ALL that matters in high school.
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Old 12-27-2008, 07:17 AM   #5 (permalink)
 
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I agree with moretimeleft. If I had to do H.S. over, that's precisely what I would've done.

H.S. was the worst. Heck, my preteen and teen years were all the worst.

I tried to PM you nightwalker, but I wrote so much that by the time I clicked send, my user name was already logged out.


I'll try again later. I'm drained.
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Old 12-27-2008, 09:17 AM   #6 (permalink)
 
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but i mean. HS are the last years where you're free . when you're an adult, you have to sorry about paying bills, making money, taking care of yourself,, but in high school, you still have your parents to depend on . plus. arent your preteen and teenage years supposed to be the years where you mature, learn new things, and you know... learn to grow up socially? where your brain grows and takes in things for the last time before you become and adult (when your brain and mind is mature already)? if i have social anxiety and have no life and have a closed mind for my teenage years, then what do i absorb? nothing. i dont mature, i learn or absorb social skills, or even the environment, or nourish my personality. then i grow up to be a freak because my personality is not mature. i didnt learn enough things, it didnt grow because my mind was so closed.
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Old 12-27-2008, 09:18 AM   #7 (permalink)
 
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Originally Posted by Tнᶓ ᶂuturε Iѕ ɳош View Post
I tried to PM you nightwalker, but I wrote so much that by the time I clicked send, my user name was already logged out.


I'll try again later. I'm drained.
oh ok
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Old 12-27-2008, 09:28 AM   #8 (permalink)
 
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Lol, when I was in Hs, I still remembered clearly that I didn't want to be in that school like only three days in there. But no choice, since it's pretty difficult to move to another one considering the competition in enrolment exercises.

Anyways, if I were to redo it again, I would would had picked another choice of HS and even by thinking it now, I regretted choosing that HS because of friend's opinions (yes, i had friends when I was in middle school) I had two other choices so it was pretty sad of me to be influenced by a friend that concerns about my future ahead.

Yeah and of course, do well in my examinations.
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Old 12-27-2008, 09:57 AM   #9 (permalink)
 
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Im sorry you feel this way. I feel this way a little bit too. I missed out on my high school years, I had to finish school at home. Somedays I wish I could have been in HS...but it's okay. I'm glad I was able to stay home. But I often wonder what it would have been like if I had stayed in school. I didn't have any friends either (and still don't, besides some online)

Just because you turn 18, and become an adult, doesn't mean you are finished growing...you still are learning, and changing as a person. My mom told me once that her young adult years, 20s, were the best years of her life because she was still young.

College, if you go, can be a different experience, it's probably not like HS, maybe it can be different in a good way for you.

There can be things to look forward to. I know that's really hard with depression though...but there is always hope, and you can look forward to brighter days. You are not lonely forever, that is just a temporary thought/feeling.

I know what you mean having the fun part of your life going away, but when you are an adult, they can be fun too, even with more responsibilities. We only live 18 years as a "kid"...if a person lives until they are 80, that is 62 more years of being an adult...life can't just be all full of worries and sorrows and dullness!

You have only been to therapy twice. Try to have patience and hang in there. There is still time.

I don't know how much you like to read or if you would even like this book, but I recently read this one book called "Monochrome Days: A First-Hand Account of One Teenager's Experience With Depression by Cait Irwin" Maybe you would like to look into it. It was a pretty good book.
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Old 12-27-2008, 10:35 AM   #10 (permalink)
 
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I feel the same way. Except, I don't want to get married or have kids & I'm 23. I feel like all the fun in life is gone and I have nothing to look forward to. I'm just going to work my life away. Work work work 50 hours a week come home eat, sleep, watch tv and then repeat until I'm dead.

I feel so blah now. I want to be 16 again.
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Old 12-28-2008, 02:02 AM   #11 (permalink)
 
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I feel the same way. Except, I don't want to get married or have kids & I'm 23. I feel like all the fun in life is gone and I have nothing to look forward to. I'm just going to work my life away. Work work work 50 hours a week come home eat, sleep, watch tv and then repeat until I'm dead.

I feel so blah now. I want to be 16 again.
See, i'm almost 16 and my life is already s*** right now. but then that means it'll get worse when i'm 23..? urgh. i mean. a lot of older people want to be a teen again, and now i have this great chance to enjoy it while i can since i'm a teen now, but i'm screwing it up (or at least my emotions and brain is) so i'm thinking, man i'm gonna regret my teenage years so much.
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Old 12-28-2008, 05:37 AM   #12 (permalink)
 
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Hang in there.
My life has been better as I grow older.
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Old 12-28-2008, 10:22 AM   #13 (permalink)
 
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HS are the last years where you're free . when you're an adult, you have to sorry about paying bills, making money, taking care of yourself,, but in high school, you still have your parents to depend on .
I feel freer now than I ever did in high school. I can leave my house anytime I like and go anywhere I like. If I want to go on a cross country trip I can do it. My parents can't tell me no. If I did this trip while I should be working I could lose my job, but that is my choice. No one could really stop me. I can go kayaking alone and even if my parents think it is dangerous they can't stop me. Once I own a house of my own, I'll have even more freedom. Sure you have to pay bills, but that is just something that comes with owning property.

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See, i'm almost 16 and my life is already s*** right now. but then that means it'll get worse when i'm 23..? urgh. i mean. a lot of older people want to be a teen again, and now i have this great chance to enjoy it while i can since i'm a teen now, but i'm screwing it up (or at least my emotions and brain is) so i'm thinking, man i'm gonna regret my teenage years so much.
I do wish things had gone better in high school, but I'm having a better life after high school. To me high school felt like a prison that I had no choice but to report to everyday. I feel less anxious than I did in high school. The only thing that has gotten worse is that as I age I realise I'm wasting more and more of my life.

I do agree that you should try your best to overcome your SA while you are in high school. The younger that you overcome it the less of your life you waste. Also you won't be having to play as much catch up(never having dated, etc) as I will when I overcome my SA
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Old 12-28-2008, 01:03 PM   #14 (permalink)
 
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See, i'm almost 16 and my life is already s*** right now. but then that means it'll get worse when i'm 23..? urgh. i mean. a lot of older people want to be a teen again, and now i have this great chance to enjoy it while i can since i'm a teen now, but i'm screwing it up (or at least my emotions and brain is) so i'm thinking, man i'm gonna regret my teenage years so much.
I just wish I had my youth back. I feel like when you're young, you can't wait to be 16, then 18, then 21, and then what do you have to look forward to???
Don't worry, you have 7 years before you get to 23...and college years are the best! high school sucks. When you're 23, you'll still feel 16 but you're considered old by 16 year olds.

I like doing what I want whenever I want but the thing is when you become an adult, you don't have much free time at all anymore because you are working your life away. IMO. When I was employed, I woke up at 6am got ready for work, commuted to work at 7:00 to be there at 8:00 (can't be late!), worked all day, got off work at 6pm commuted home and got home by 6:45. Then cook dinner, clean up, watch tv/play on the net for an hour or two, then by that time its 10pm and I have to go to bed again for work because I've been going going going since 6am. The only day I had off was Sunday and I was so exhausted from the constant work that I never got to do anything that day besides clean or run errands. It's boring as **** and I don't think life should be that way.
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Old 12-28-2008, 01:35 PM   #15 (permalink)
 
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Speaking as someone who is 21 years old and like you has dealt with SA and depression since childhood (thus making my middle and high school year a living hell), my greatest regret is not that I wasted what were supposed to be my best years, but that I didn't start working on solving the problems sooner. If you are to continue on in this life, you will have to deal with these issues at some point, but it is up to you to choose whether that 'some point' is sooner or later, and I can tell you from experience that sooner is unequivocally the only sane choice.

Don't worry about wasting your "best years" (most I talk to, like you, say that they are some of the worst) or trying to do what you think is normal or socially acceptable. Instead, focus only on working hard to overcome the obstacle that has been placed before you, though therapy, medication, whatever it takes. If you think your situation at 16 will be representative of your entire life, you are sorely mistaken. You're going to have to put yourself out there to get better, but you are working towards your own happiness, and in the end, there really is nothing on earth more important than that. And, like Randy Pausch says, if you're not working on the most important things in your life, why are you working on anything else?
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Old 12-28-2008, 01:55 PM   #16 (permalink)
 
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I feel the same way. I don't even care about having friends anymore. Life just sucks. Whether people want to admit it or not. I really don't see what I could look forward to. I know we should be giving you encouraging words but that's not how I feel right now in life.
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Old 12-28-2008, 02:01 PM   #17 (permalink)
 
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Old 12-28-2008, 04:11 PM   #18 (permalink)
 
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Oh come on, you have plenty to look forward to. Life is great for almost everyone. Chances are you're one of the lucky ones. That bad stuff you're feeling is fake. Everybody feels good and feels great, even you do. I look forward to going to work tomorrow and joyfully not get anything done. When they graciously tell me I'm not worth a damn, I will show gratitude with my handshake and walk with pride out that front door into a cloud nine life of unemployment. Oh what a joyous day it is. Life is so wonderful. I'm very thankful for it all. Please let me live to be 107.
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Old 12-28-2008, 04:16 PM   #19 (permalink)
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nothing. all of my friends have moved on. i'm no longer part of their lives. now i'm lonely. forever. i can't make new friends. i dont enjoy playing video games, or reading, or learning anymore. this is the lonliest and lowest point of my life so far. i've never been so lonely, so sad, so afraid, so depressed, so hopeless. I'm in high school. these are supposed to be the best years of my life. but now they are my worse. college will be worse. i know it. i can't even socially survive high school so how can i survive in college. i'm lonely forever. the real me is gone. i am sad. i have nothing. only parents who naturally love me. but no one else. i'm going insane in my soul. i can't control my social anxiety anymore. i'm even afraid when i am at home. when i'm talking to my parents, i still feel this vague social anxiety feeling. whats the point of living. i'm already wasting the fun part of my life.
I feel 100% like you. But you are so young, there is sooo much that can change in your life. You will have so many opportunities, especially going to college. Try to keep positive and just do the best you can. When I was in HS I was incredibly shy and just a few years out I had totally changed and was far more outgoing. I have since developed other anxiety and depression issues, but my point is things can and do change as you get older and they will. Hang in there.
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Old 12-28-2008, 04:19 PM   #20 (permalink)
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but i mean. HS are the last years where you're free . when you're an adult, you have to sorry about paying bills, making money, taking care of yourself,, but in high school, you still have your parents to depend on . plus. arent your preteen and teenage years supposed to be the years where you mature, learn new things, and you know... learn to grow up socially? where your brain grows and takes in things for the last time before you become and adult (when your brain and mind is mature already)?
It's not as bad as all that. I'm 29 and I still act a lot like a college student. You're only as old as you feel and act I guess. You will have plenty of time to be free and have fun, esp. in college.

I didn't really mature like you are saying until after HS. I def didn't start to function socially until my second and third years of college.
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