Lover of cats & piggies
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Cincinnati, Ohio
I hate how lazy I am, but am too lazy to do anything about it
There are times I loathe myself so much, because I truly am the laziest person I know. It didn't use to bother me. My mom was also lazy, she got my aunt to do all the things she didn't want to bother with. I fear I've not only inherited her tenancies, but have exceeded them.
I didn't go to school beyond the 9th grade because I didn't feel like doing the work and I couldn't stand the people. I haven't had more than a handful of jobs in my 30 years of life. I don't drive, my house is a mess and my husband makes our meager income. He's also extremely lazy, but I'm worse and I know it.
One of my friends just got married yesterday and it struck me just how much better and responsible she is than me. ALL my friends are more responsible than me, and sometimes I wonder why any of them bother to associate with me at all. Most of them were, admittedly, on the fringe in their youth and had either mental problems or were mistreated by their peers for being different. Both, in a few cases. So guess they like me because I'm nice and I stick up for the underdog, since I'm an underdog myself. But other than being kind, I feel like I have no other redeemable qualities.
I am basically useless as a human being. Back when I was working my jobs bored, scared and depressed me so much that I reached the conclusion that I'd rather be homeless than employed. Insane, right? I don't envy my friends' jobs, I just am grateful it's them working and not me. Same with my husband. I'm so glad I don't have to work four times a week the way he does. So, I'm a housewife. Which wouldn't bother me if it weren't for the fact that I'm not a good one. I hate to clean, and usually don't. My husband is even worse in that department and I'm embarrassed to have company over. I'll sit on my butt thinking "The dishes need to go in the dishwasher. I need to do laundry. I need to clean up the living room." But I don't. I used to be a little better, but my husband tears up the house as soon as I clean it so I don't want to bother.
Talking doesn't help, he just points out that I'm lazier than he is. He's messier, I'm lazier. I don't mind cleaning when I'm with another person, but I have like zero motivation when I'm by myself. I feel ashamed to talk to my friends and family, because I know I shouldn't be this way. I avoid doing things that are hard, I begin projects and take forever to finish them, and I don't get nearly enough physical activity. I looked at a picture of me at my friend's wedding yesterday and realized just how big my butt is. I know I should change, but I don't.
How do normal people find motivation to do things they don't want? I seem to have missed something vital growing up, because I know being like this can't possibly be right.