I hate being a virgin. Can anyone relate? - Social Anxiety Forum
X

Download the SAS Android App

Or switch to mobile version of the forums

X

Download the SAS iPhone App

Or switch to mobile version of the forums

Help/FAQLog InJoin SAS
Go Back   Social Anxiety Forum > Recovery > Frustration

Reply
Old 04-13-2011, 07:14 AM   #1 (permalink)
 
BoyWithTheThornInHisSide's Avatar
 
Status: SAS Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Gender: Male
Posts: 47



Default I hate being a virgin. Can anyone relate?

Iím a 25-year old male virgin. I donít know whether thatís down to my lack of social skills, my horrible adolescence or just plain bad luck, but I feel like the butt of every bad sitcom joke, and itís become a daily source of misery for me. There are more handsome guys than me around, but I wouldnít say Iím an ugly guy either. I have my fair share of female friends, but have a habit of sliding into the 'letís just be friendsí zone.

I didnít have a great time during high school, but I always assumed there would be a period afterwards when I would become a normal young person who was able to live life to itís fullest. Being a virgin has put a bit of a dampner on that. Iíve tried to psych myself up into staying calm and confident around women, but the various close calls Iíve had over the years have only made my outlook more defeatist.

Itís always been a great source of mystery to me how people manage to form relationships, or even casual hook-ups, with others. Itís something that even unintelligent people seem to do very easily, but it looks like rocket science to me. Every friendship Iíve ever had has happened by accident. I naively assumed something similar would happen with relationships. Obviously it hasnít.

I feel incapable of appreciating any of the good things that happen to me, as I feel thereís this massive gap in my life. I feel easily intimidated by people with lots of sexual experience, and canít help feeling huge amounts of resentment towards other peopleís sex lives. Most of my friends lost their virginity a decade ago, and some of them are already starting to settle down with kids, marriages and mortgages. Many of them have begun to wistfully refer to young and attractive women in the past tense, while I keep myself sane by thinking of them in a constant near-future tense.

As opportunities to sow my wild oats get narrower with each passing year, I slide deeper and deeper into misery. It becomes harder to make decisions in other aspects of my life, and so the cycle of emotionally stunted despair gets worse. I honestly havenít got the slightest clue how to go about breaking the cycle. I feel like all my opportunities to enjoy my sex life while Iím still young enough to do so are fast slipping away, if they havenít slipped away already.
BoyWithTheThornInHisSide is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-13-2011, 07:39 AM   #2 (permalink)
 
Ape in space's Avatar
 
Status: throwing banana peels
Join Date: May 2010
Location: Canada
Gender: Male
Age: 31
Posts: 4,941



Default

I'm in a similar situation. I'm a 27-year-old virgin who has never had a relationship with a girl, although I'm less concerned with virginity than with just the total lack of female contact/relationships/friendships. I also had always just assumed that I would find a girl (somehow) in my 20s, but at some point I realized that it doesn't work that way: it will involve actually overcoming my anxiety and doing a lot of socializing, which seems like a huge, impossible task.

I guess the only thing I can say is to try not to compare yourself with other people your age. You are on your own path, and have your own struggles to conquer, and it won't help to have the added pressure of trying to catch up with everyone else. Take an attitude that you are proud to be different and are comfortable in being in your situation, and that may reduce some of the pressure and anxiety that cripples you.
Ape in space is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 04-13-2011, 07:39 AM   #3 (permalink)
 
Status: SAS Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Detroit metro area
Gender: Male
Age: 27
Posts: 66



Default

Yeah I feel the same way. I'm 24. I only just realized how depressed I was about it last week. I was seeing my doctor and she asked when was the last time I was sexually active and I said "never". She looked at me like I was some kind of freak. Since then I have been very depressed. I called a psychologist but I don't get to have an appointment for 2 weeks from now.

My family members (brother, cousins) and the few friends I have are all in long term relationships. My cousin (24) even got married last year.
Alex925 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-13-2011, 07:40 AM   #4 (permalink)
 
Music Man's Avatar
 
Status: SAS Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Lancaster/Cumbria UK
Gender: Male
Age: 25
Posts: 748



Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by BoyWithTheThornInHisSide View Post


It’s always been a great source of mystery to me how people manage to form relationships, or even casual hook-ups, with others. It’s something that even unintelligent people seem to do very easily, but it looks like rocket science to me. Every friendship I’ve ever had has happened by accident. I naively assumed something similar would happen with relationships. Obviously it hasn’t.

I feel the same, something natural shouldn't be rocket science.

I feel incapable of appreciating any of the good things that happen to me, as I feel there’s this massive gap in my life. I feel easily intimidated by people with lots of sexual experience, and can’t help feeling huge amounts of resentment towards other people’s sex lives. Most of my friends lost their virginity a decade ago, and some of them are already starting to settle down with kids, marriages and mortgages. Many of them have begun to wistfully refer to young and attractive women in the past tense, while I keep myself sane by thinking of them in a constant near-future tense.

Same
Firstly welcome to the board

I don't worry about being a virgin because all of that seems so far away from me I just concentrate on what I need to do in the present (degree etc).
I would like to have close female friends just to hang around with to get used to be around females. Maybe you should work on trying to get female friends for the same reason (I can't offer any advice though as I still don't have close female friends).
Music Man is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-13-2011, 07:54 AM   #5 (permalink)
 
JustWakeUp's Avatar
 
Status: growing up
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: texas
Gender: Male
Age: 27
Posts: 433



Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by BoyWithTheThornInHisSide View Post
Iím a 25-year old male virgin. I donít know whether thatís down to my lack of social skills, my horrible adolescence or just plain bad luck, but I feel like the butt of every bad sitcom joke, and itís become a daily source of misery for me. There are more handsome guys than me around, but I wouldnít say Iím an ugly guy either. I have my fair share of female friends, but have a habit of sliding into the 'letís just be friendsí zone.

I didnít have a great time during high school, but I always assumed there would be a period afterwards when I would become a normal young person who was able to live life to itís fullest. Being a virgin has put a bit of a dampner on that. Iíve tried to psych myself up into staying calm and confident around women, but the various close calls Iíve had over the years have only made my outlook more defeatist.

Itís always been a great source of mystery to me how people manage to form relationships, or even casual hook-ups, with others. Itís something that even unintelligent people seem to do very easily, but it looks like rocket science to me. Every friendship Iíve ever had has happened by accident. I naively assumed something similar would happen with relationships. Obviously it hasnít.

I feel incapable of appreciating any of the good things that happen to me, as I feel thereís this massive gap in my life. I feel easily intimidated by people with lots of sexual experience, and canít help feeling huge amounts of resentment towards other peopleís sex lives. Most of my friends lost their virginity a decade ago, and some of them are already starting to settle down with kids, marriages and mortgages. Many of them have begun to wistfully refer to young and attractive women in the past tense, while I keep myself sane by thinking of them in a constant near-future tense.

As opportunities to sow my wild oats get narrower with each passing year, I slide deeper and deeper into misery. It becomes harder to make decisions in other aspects of my life, and so the cycle of emotionally stunted despair gets worse. I honestly havenít got the slightest clue how to go about breaking the cycle. I feel like all my opportunities to enjoy my sex life while Iím still young enough to do so are fast slipping away, if they havenít slipped away already.
^ Just the same as him!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Music Man View Post
Firstly welcome to the board

I don't worry about being a virgin because all of that seems so far away from me I just concentrate on what I need to do in the present (degree etc).
I would like to have close female friends just to hang around with to get used to be around females. Maybe you should work on trying to get female friends for the same reason (I can't offer any advice though as I still don't have close female friends).
^ I agree 100% with him!
__________________

Ask away...
JustWakeUp is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-13-2011, 08:03 AM   #6 (permalink)
 
Sam1911's Avatar
 
Status: I Pee Sitting Down
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Idaho
Gender: Male
Posts: 627



Default

road trip to the bunny ranch! let's get a groupon deal going for a group buy on wimminz
Sam1911 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-13-2011, 12:22 PM   #7 (permalink)
 
Status: Permanently Banned
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Kansas City
Gender: Male
Age: 30
Posts: 1,481



Default

Don't fall into most of society's thought that sex is this thing that you have to experience before your mid-20s. People just think that everyone else should be like them and experience what they have. The minute someone is different, they get scared and lash out.

The saddest thing about it is that there are people that place someone's self-worth on how much sex they've had, especially on men. It's like the more you fornicate, the "bigger man" you are to these people. It's quite depressing that there are people think this way.
IcemanKilmer is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-13-2011, 12:37 PM   #8 (permalink)
 
andy1984's Avatar
 
Status: pirate
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: auckland (mount albert), new zealand
Gender: Male
Age: 30
Posts: 3,400



Default

I have slept with two people so far. Both I met on dating sites and they were 2 hours and 6 hours travel time away. The first - she just put up with my awkwardness long enough for us to get close. The second... dunno what really happened there, we dated a bit and then I went on a trip with her and her friend where we stayed in a cabin...

I need the dating site scene because I can't do anything when its ambiguous what I'm talking to someone for. I need structure. I know why they are talking to me and why I'm talking to them. Makes it easier to open up.

I didn't really care about being a virgin, but I hate being alone.

I think you should try dating sites and be prepared to travel a little bit to meet them.
__________________
NZers | Auckland meetup group
andy1984 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-13-2011, 12:48 PM   #9 (permalink)
 
Status: User Requested Permanent Ban
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: in reality
Gender: Female
Age: 24
Posts: 544



Default

To be honest sex isnt everything, although it feels great connecting with someone like that. My first love at 19 was my first and i was his first and it was amazing, because we loved each other and had a deep emotional connection and my other times were in a commited relationship too. So i suggest you wait till you love someone before doing it because its more memorable. Dont let it get you down because no one knows your a virgin, just please dont become a perverted porn watching weirdo bcuz of it. I assure you the right one will come along, dont worryabout intial awkwardness the experimentation is the fun part, just go slow.
crimsoncora is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-13-2011, 12:52 PM   #10 (permalink)
 
StevenGlansberg's Avatar
 
Status: SAS Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Wisconsin
Gender: Male
Age: 26
Posts: 2,527



Default

Yeah, it bothers me very much. Not so much because I feel I need to fit in with the standards of society but more so because I'd just like to know that I'm capable of having sex/a relationship with another person.

I feel like there's a huge weight on my shoulders that gets bigger everyday...and knowing that it could be there forever because I'm yet to prove to myself that I can be intimate with another person is depressing.
__________________
And if you're paralyzed by a voice in your head
It's the standing still that should be scaring you instead
StevenGlansberg is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-13-2011, 01:19 PM   #11 (permalink)
 
Status: SAS Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Gender: Male
Age: 30
Posts: 377



Default

It's sixteen years since I've had sex and I can't say as I care very much about the lack of it. In my opinion the act itself is over-rated, the physical pleasure being only slightly better than that achieved through onanistic indulgences.

For me The greatest pleasure comes from being with someone. I miss being held, hugged and kissed more than I miss sex. Of course sex is an extension of those things and indeed is amazing once you're with the right person, it's just when I see an attractive woman my thoughts aren't "I'd love to give her one!" they're more, "I'd love to spend a romantic day with her, getting to know, then fall asleep with her in my arms that night." I guess what I'm saying is, it's the emotional connection, being loved, that I crave. Perhaps that's very sad.
Iamjohn is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-13-2011, 02:19 PM   #12 (permalink)
 
AbsurdistMalarky's Avatar
 
Status: SAS Member
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: North West, England
Gender: Male
Age: 35
Posts: 986



Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Iamjohn View Post
It's sixteen years since I've had sex .and I can't say as I care very much about the lack of it. In my opinion the act itself is over-rated, the physical pleasure being only slightly better than that achieved through onanistic indulgences.

For me The greatest pleasure comes from being with someone. I miss being held, hugged and kissed more than I miss sex. Of course sex is an extension of those things and indeed is amazing once you're with the right person, it's just when I see an attractive woman my thoughts aren't "I'd love to give her one!" they're more, "I'd love to spend a romantic day with her, getting to know, then fall asleep with her in my arms that night." I guess what I'm saying is, it's the emotional connection, being loved, that I crave. Perhaps that's very sad.
Either you're lying about your age or you were molested.

Ps. Congratulations, you're emotionally sound.
AbsurdistMalarky is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-13-2011, 02:27 PM   #13 (permalink)
 
Jaytech's Avatar
 
Status: SAS Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Age: 26
Posts: 7



Default

I also hate it, I just don't know how to manage a relationship. I could pay for a hooker but what's the point? I let women that are actually attracted to me get away because of my anxiety. I feel like I have to change my entire life around before I can get a girlfriend.
Jaytech is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-13-2011, 04:10 PM   #14 (permalink)
 
IcedOver's Avatar
 
Status: SAS Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: PA
Gender: Male
Age: 38
Posts: 2,327



Default

Your problems are way bigger than just not having done one physical/emotional act. You're just using that as a focal point for what's wrong with you. Just having sex won't fix you. I'm a 34-year-old virgin (don't even have friends and have never been on a date, unlike you). Even though I sometimes crave [the idea of] physical intimacy, I realize that it's not all it's cracked up to be, and it won't solve my problems. You need to look at your problems holistically.
IcedOver is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-13-2011, 04:45 PM   #15 (permalink)
 
Status: Permanently Banned
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Kansas City
Gender: Male
Age: 30
Posts: 1,481



Default

It seems like most of the people that are mad about being virgins don't have friends that they connect with enough. If you are going to get mad about something, then you should be mad that you don't have friend connections instead.

Personal relationships are far more important than sex.
IcemanKilmer is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-13-2011, 08:04 PM   #16 (permalink)
 
faded flowers's Avatar
 
Status: SAS Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Gender: Female
Age: 27
Posts: 69



Default

sex is overrated. But i still see your need for physical connection. It's the intimate connection that you really yearn for.
faded flowers is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-13-2011, 08:29 PM   #17 (permalink)
 
Status: SAS Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Detroit metro area
Gender: Male
Age: 27
Posts: 66



Default

I hate being so loney.
Alex925 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-13-2011, 09:18 PM   #18 (permalink)
 
iwishiwasaway's Avatar
 
Status: SAS Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Here.
Gender: Male
Age: 27
Posts: 1,130



Default

I can relate. Loneliness can be pretty overwhelming sometimes.
I want to be intimately connected with someone, but i also want that physical experience. I have never had it before.
iwishiwasaway is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-13-2011, 09:30 PM   #19 (permalink)
 
Status: SAS Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 658



Default

I could see myself getting addicted to sex, would be great exercise too.
daniel1989 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-13-2011, 10:36 PM   #20 (permalink)
 
ladofmad's Avatar
 
Status: SAS Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: MA, USA
Gender: Male
Age: 26
Posts: 62



Default

For me, social and emotional connection is more important and sex is only secondary. I think you shouldn't worry too much about the need for having sex until you actually have a relationship going. I can relate to your frustration though since I never had the experience either. I'm not sure if this holds true for everyone who has a hard time finding that special someone, but I think a reason for the awkwardness that we experience has to do with taking things too seriously.

From my own experience, it seems that when you're nervous, you tense up more, you smile less, joke less, and the girl that you talking to will see that and think you aren't having fun, and she'll be less likely to talk to you or go out with you in the future.
ladofmad is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Are you a virgin? nightwalker Voting Booth 125 10-24-2013 05:02 PM
Still A Virgin :( MrNiceGuy Frustration 84 04-06-2013 11:58 PM
Being a Virgin.... VivaEmptinessRoses Frustration 40 12-17-2010 08:56 PM
I hate being a virgin! Blackguy Frustration 76 07-31-2009 09:28 AM
Are you a VIRGIN? sean88 Voting Booth 157 02-15-2008 03:46 PM

All times are GMT -7. The time now is 07:10 PM.
Powered by vBulletin® ©2000-2014, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
SEO by vBSEO 3.6.0 ©2011, Crawlability, Inc. User Alert System provided by Advanced User Tagging v3.1.0 (Pro) - vBulletin Mods & Addons Copyright © 2014 DragonByte Technologies Ltd.