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Old 08-21-2007, 03:35 PM   #1 (permalink)
 
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Default I don't want to live anymore

I wasn't sure if I wanted to post here, but I decided to. I'm not really expecting any advice, so don't worry about providing any or anything. This is mainly just a vent.

The title says it all I guess, I just don't want to live anymore. I think every year with me just gets worse. And it's not the superficial things like the fact that I have no friends, or anything like that.. It's more so just the mental torture. I have a constant ache of hopelessness for any sort of positive change. Just a constant feeling of sorrow with me all the time and yet I can still appear "normal" at work and around my family. I'm alone way too much in my room, in the dark. But with my night job, that's how it is. I come home, and everybody is leaving for their jobs, and I wake up and immediately leave the house. And if I happen to wake up in the afternoon, the house is empty and I lay here TRYING to sleep. I'm up now, it's 3:16pm and I really should be sleeping. I've been seriously trying to for the past 4 hours, but all I can do is cry and suffer, I guess. So I came on here, and stopped being such a mess once I started reading some posts.

Some people will tell me, or have told me to get a day job, try interacting more with people. But you know what? I don't even want to. I don't want to try anymore because it never works and it's always torture while I'm doing it. I've always hated talking to strangers, then it slowly turned to coworkers.. And now its even turning to my family. I just don't know what to do, and I can't see any way how I can even keep going. I'm 22 years old and I feel and act about 14 years old still. I just can't fathom growing up and doing things on my own. It scares me to death, and I'd rather just die than try. Call me a coward, I don't even care anymore. I don't seem to care about anything. Any of my "possessions", any hobbies I once had, anything. I'm just so sick of waking up each day to the same routine, yet I don't want to change it.

I remember back in high school when I was depressed, I would tell myself and others, "Oh I'd NEVER kill myself", but it's sort of scary that I can't say that statement as strong anymore.. Because really, I have enough pills sitting on my desk to do the job. I'm not making any plans yet though, not quite at that point. The want is there, but the desperate need is not. I've never felt completely happy in my whole life and when each year is worse than the last..

And it's strange how just a little tiny thing will send me into this spiraling mess every so often. This time is was work on Saturday. I was so pissed off, and then all the thoughts that haunt me came back. It's like I have conversations with a demon in my head telling me absolutely every single negative thing about myself and the world that it can come up with. It's when I started believing that voice that things get bad. Sometimes I can even seriously imagine myself locked in a hospital. I would have laughed at that thought years ago. I WANT medication and therapy, and I know I need it. But I'm too stubborn to do any of that without any help. And I will not talk to my family either. To them, I am completely normal, maybe a little shy.

Now I don't even want to post this.. Because I fear I'm going to get replies that will tell me to buck up and quit being a baby or something. I've heard that so much. But even if I do, do something "good" for myself, the torture never leaves me, and I just don't want to live with it anymore.

Thanks for letting me talk, I should probably try sleeping -again-.
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Old 08-21-2007, 03:54 PM   #2 (permalink)
 
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Default Re: I don't want to live anymore

Geeze, I can relate to a lot of that. And yeah, I know how much it sucks. I know you don't want advice, but I wouldn't even know what to tell you, because I've never figured it out, either.

I'm sorry, it's a really awful feeling. I know exactly what you mean about little things setting you off into a huge mess. Happens to me all the time. Then all those ****ty feelings start flooding in.



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Old 08-21-2007, 03:55 PM   #3 (permalink)
 
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Default Re: I don't want to live anymore

....................

You are 22 years old and have your whole life ahead of you. Things are looking up Maybe working the night shift is just getting to you? It's draining physically and mentally, plus you have a pretty weird sleep schedule, and even weirder one on your days off. All those combined can be making you feel "broken down"
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Old 08-21-2007, 04:43 PM   #4 (permalink)
 
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Default Re: I don't want to live anymore

Darkangel,

I feel the exact same way sometimes. There will be no motivation whatsoever to make any positive changes, not to better myself, not to help others. But then after a few days of lethargy, I'll go in search of stuff that motivates me (mainly through books) and I actually do get better. You only need a little grain of will to look for that inspiration.

Quote:
I just don't know what to do, and I can't see any way how I can even keep going. I'm 22 years old and I feel and act about 14 years old still.
I don't know what to do either, it is all so complicated and mysterious! I wish there were a "Life for Dummies" or a "Complete Idiot's Guide to Life" out there, so all this anguish would go away! I'm 23, and I still feel like a teenagers are way more mature than I am.

Quote:
I'd rather just die than try. Call me a coward,
Now, why would anyone want to call you a coward?! Until "they" step into your shoes, they will never understand your pain. But we (the people in this forum) do. So, no, you are not a coward, you are a good human being who is just hurting too much and needs extra help to get through life.

Quote:
It's like I have conversations with a demon in my head telling me absolutely every single negative thing about myself ...
I'm often paranoid about an actual demon figuring out my thoughts!

Quote:
Now I don't even want to post this.. Because I fear I'm going to get replies that will tell me to buck up and quit being a baby or something.
Whoever does that is being completely insensitive, if you ask me. I wouldn't pay any attention to them.

Well, as you can see, my post didn't offer any real advice, just some random thoughts, mainly because I'm kinda in the same boat as you, but be assured that you'll be in my thoughts and prayers.
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Old 08-21-2007, 04:59 PM   #5 (permalink)
 
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Default Re: I don't want to live anymore

Telling her to get some perspective like how children in africa can't even eat or how she has her life ahead of her will just get her more depressed because she will just become more self-lashing and more depressed

You obviously need medical help, and everyone here should encourage you to get it. You probably think it is humiliating going to a doctor and that he will laugh at you, but they are professionals and understand depression is a very serious medical condition. Think of it like diabetes, you gotta get help and if you don't do it you know where you will eventually end up. You cannot beat it by sheer will power or positive thinking.

I don't know how serious you are about suicide as most people usually say it for attention but my advice is get help, suicide is a final action for a problem that has many solutions
Hopefully you are religious, having the fear of hell being put on to you usually prevents the people who think about suicide from actually performing it.
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Old 08-21-2007, 05:49 PM   #6 (permalink)
 
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Default Re: I don't want to live anymore


i know how you feel.
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Old 08-21-2007, 06:25 PM   #7 (permalink)
 
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Default Re: I don't want to live anymore

Are you on medication? If not, you need to be. If you are, you need to try something else. If you find something that works your life will ABSOLUTELY CHANGE - I know!!!
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Old 08-21-2007, 06:44 PM   #8 (permalink)
 
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Default Re: I don't want to live anymore

I must be drinking the same water you are because in the last few weeks I've felt like garbage. Normally I don't get this depressed until winter, but not this year. I don't think medication would help much though. Eventually the medication wears off and you are back to square one again. Dark angel, we should go to the driving range and hit the shi* out of some golf balls.
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Old 08-21-2007, 06:49 PM   #9 (permalink)
 
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Default Re: I don't want to live anymore

I'm so sorry that you are feeling so awful right now

When it comes to the point that you can no longer see the light at the end of the tunnel, you need to seek professional help. If you can't pay for therapy and meds on your own, please ask your family to help. No one deserves to feel like their life is not worth living.
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Old 08-21-2007, 08:52 PM   #10 (permalink)
 
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Default Re: I don't want to live anymore

Darkangel,

I am in a very similar situation, although I am 27. I offer no advice, and I don't pretend to know exactly how you feel. I do know what you mean about acting "normal" though. The people at work had no idea how things were for me. I have debated whether I should even bother posting or not, I decided I will post it and you can do with it what you will.

I was on disability for mental illness, then I got a job because of pressure from my mom mostly. Before I got the job I was unhappy, but still mildly content. The first month of the job was horrible, but I kept at it because I thought things would get better as I got used to the people. Things never got better, so I started reaching out for help. I had seen a few therapists before and had a couple vocational counselors that helped me find a job. I contacted them all one by one and one by one they all told me things would get better and to keep working.

I don't want to get in to that side of it, I wanted to relate more to you. As I kept working things changed for me. I started to not want friends anymore, I started pushing everyone away. I ignored phone calls, emails, everything. The truth is I actually only had one friend, but I bet he called me 30 or more times over 4 months or so before he gave up. I never answered and I never returned a message. I pushed my parents away because I wanted them to think I was normal, I didn't want them to see what I had become. I tried isolation, it didn't make things better.

Things got worse as time went on, I went from not wanting friends to genuine dislike of people. People are insincere backstabbing liars. I hate them all. So many people at work would be nice to someone, then soon as that person left they'd run them into the ground with gossip about how stupid they are. They all did it, even the managers. People are only out for their own benefit, if I am of no benefit they will move on to the next person. People were only my friend because I am easy to take advantage of.

Anyways, I digress. I started sleeping less and less, I would have horrible dreams about lord knows what. I think it was mostly about being around people, I hated it so much. I could only sleep maybe 2-3 hours at a time, so I got 4-6 hours of sleep a night. However, a lot of that was broken up with bad dreams. I'd sleep for a couple hours, then I had to stay up for 3 or more hours before trying to sleep again. If I didn't I would just have dreams and wake up sweating/kicking/punching/talking/etc every 5-10 minutes. I would feel like I was going to pass out all day long, then when I got home I wouldn't be able to sleep because of more nightmares.

Long story short, one day I couldn't take it anymore. I went from doing one week at a time, to one day at a time, to one hour at a time. I couldn't take it one more minute. It was a weekend and I realized I would rather be dead than go back to work. Every time I thought about going back I would come to tears. The vocational person said I was irresponsible for quitting, she said she thought I was trying to make her think more was going on that actually is. She made me feel horrible for quitting, she wants me to go get another job. I will not do it, I don't care what happens, I am not doing that to myself again.

I'm sorry I wrote a lot, I tend to do that. I am not saying you should quit your job, I guess the only advice I have is to try and get help somewhere. I know it is hard, I hope I haven't soured you on it. The people I have now aren't very good, but the first two therapists I had years ago were great. There are some good people out there, but I guess they are hard to find. Don't let people get you down, most people are jerks and shouldn't be taken seriously.
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Old 08-21-2007, 09:58 PM   #11 (permalink)
 
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Default Re: I don't want to live anymore

At least you made it to 22! Im 17 and thinks arent lookin so great, I dont have much of a chance of finishing high school since i feel so depressed and anxious all the time. I make myself sick from stressing out to much. Any job I try to get rejects me Most teachers begin to hate me because they think i dont care about class or my future, i have no friends....

ive gone through a bunch of meds that don't work, im beginning to think this is just the way i am and theres no medicine that can change your personality if u are really 22 get some alcohol and numb it, idk i cant really giv ne advice caus nothings ever got better for me and i probably feel worse than u do
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Old 08-22-2007, 12:21 AM   #12 (permalink)
 
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Default Re: I don't want to live anymore

*Hugs*
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Old 08-22-2007, 02:26 AM   #13 (permalink)
 
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Default Re: I don't want to live anymore

I'm sorry you're feeling that way, darkangel.

One thing that has helped me a lot, after years of depression, is trying to eat well and spending time outside every day. I do a 40-minute walk every day in order to take exercise and get some sunlight. I would never have thought that it would make much of a difference, but it has.
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Old 08-22-2007, 02:37 AM   #14 (permalink)
 
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Default Re: I don't want to live anymore

I wish I could just give you a hug, and just come and sit a while with you. I shall remember you in my prayers.
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Old 08-22-2007, 09:01 AM   #15 (permalink)
 
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Default Re: I don't want to live anymore

you reminded me the movie Taxi Driver. he works in nights , his life is meaningless and he doesnt like people too so he starts shooting pimps.
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Old 08-22-2007, 10:01 AM   #16 (permalink)
 
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Default Re: I don't want to live anymore

Were, you gave me a good idea. I'm gonna get a mohawk and start talking to myself in the mirror with a glock.
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Old 08-23-2007, 03:35 PM   #17 (permalink)
 
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Default Re: I don't want to live anymore

Quote:
Originally Posted by Were
you reminded me the movie Taxi Driver. he works in nights , his life is meaningless and he doesnt like people too so he starts shooting pimps.
great film, though it's not for everyone. I showed an ex it once, and she thought it was stupid and pointless.
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Old 08-24-2007, 02:42 AM   #18 (permalink)
 
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Default Re: I don't want to live anymore

Thanks everyone for your replies. I'm doing better now which is good. I'm able to block out the negative thoughts sometimes and that allows me to continue my routine life. And it's my weekend so it helps too that it's 2:17am and I'm at home in bed instead of at work. (And there's 3 trucks tonight and they tried to get me to come in, nooooo) Actually last night I was sitting in my car at lunch playing poker on my cellphone and I went all in on a two pair.. Ended up getting a full house, and totally burned "Max" and took almost all of his money and I was actually laughing at "Max" and calling him an idiot.

Cerberus: That sounds like me and my family. My family isn't lovey dovey at all, and we take nothing seriously, so it's extra hard with something like this. That's why I feel I can't say anything, it won't be taken seriously.

Augustinus: But how do I get a grain of will if everything is just "meh"? I used to take active interest in drawing, guitar, writing and reading, but now just the thought of doing any of those things is.. well, seems like a waste of time or something?

kriminator: It's not even the fact that the doctor will laugh at me, it's more the journey to getting to a doctor. I don't want to drive there, have my family know, walk into the building, have to explain myself.. All of that I don't want. I suppose if I had help (someone to make an appointment, give me a ride) it would be easier. But I don't, and I can't imagine doing it alone. And I didn't actually say "I want to kill myself', just "I don't want to live anymore".. which means exactly that. Like if a bus ran me over I wouldn't be disturbed by that. And no I'm not religious.

phob33: I'm not on meds, but I wish I was..

davemason2k: I would actually enjoy that, the driving range.. Never been..

GraceLikeRain: I agree with you, and would advise that to someone else in a minute.. but I'm very stubborn and a part of me thinks either, "I can do this alone, it's fine" or "I'd rather just die than go through the steps to getting help". So my brain is sort of screwed up.

Molydeus: This part sounds exactly like my situation:

Quote:
Things got worse as time went on, I went from not wanting friends to genuine dislike of people. People are insincere backstabbing liars. I hate them all. So many people at work would be nice to someone, then soon as that person left they'd run them into the ground with gossip about how stupid they are. They all did it, even the managers. People are only out for their own benefit, if I am of no benefit they will move on to the next person. People were only my friend because I am easy to take advantage of.
And I have also been trouble sleeping, some nightmares sometimes. Maybe one day I'll do something about it, but right now.. I dunno..

Guitar_Guy44: If I can give YOU advice.. if you're 17, do all you can to fix it now.. Don't waste the next 5, 10, 20 years of your life. I know I wish now that I had done something when I was 17..

Amelia: My dad always tells me I need to see the sun, since I barely do.. And sometimes I will go out in the day to the store or for a drive. But other than that, I don't know what to do outside? Maybe I need to grab my brother one day and go play ball.. If I ever really feel like doing that again.

SpesVitae: Thanks.. I don't even remember the last time I had somebody 'sit with me'

Were: Thanks for the idea lol

A strange thing happened the same day that I made this thread, but after I had slept for about 6 hours. I was sitting upstairs with my dad for a few minutes before I had to leave for work and he was saying how somebody was interesting in having me draw them something. I didn't show much interest, and he said, "I thought art was your PASSION?" I said it wasn't. He asked what my passion was, I said I didn't have one. He said to get one, to have something to work for. That I can't just "exist". It was just strange that he brought that stuff up right at that time, as if he had read my post or something.....

I just don't know what I'm going to do.. Is the bottom line I guess.
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Old 08-24-2007, 04:29 AM   #19 (permalink)
 
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Default Re: I don't want to live anymore

Hope things turn around for you.
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Old 08-24-2007, 04:31 AM   #20 (permalink)
 
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Default Re: I don't want to live anymore

*double post*
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