Thanks everyone for your replies. I'm doing better now which is good. I'm able to block out the negative thoughts sometimes and that allows me to continue my routine life. And it's my weekend so it helps too that it's 2:17am and I'm at home in bed instead of at work. (And there's 3 trucks tonight and they tried to get me to come in, nooooo) Actually last night I was sitting in my car at lunch playing poker on my cellphone and I went all in on a two pair.. Ended up getting a full house, and totally burned "Max" and took almost all of his money and I was actually laughing at "Max" and calling him an idiot.
That sounds like me and my family. My family isn't lovey dovey at all, and we take nothing seriously, so it's extra hard with something like this. That's why I feel I can't say anything, it won't be taken seriously.
But how do I get a grain of will if everything is just "meh"? I used to take active interest in drawing, guitar, writing and reading, but now just the thought of doing any of those things is.. well, seems like a waste of time or something?
It's not even the fact that the doctor will laugh at me, it's more the journey to getting to a doctor. I don't want to drive there, have my family know, walk into the building, have to explain myself.. All of that I don't want. I suppose if I had help (someone to make an appointment, give me a ride) it would be easier. But I don't, and I can't imagine doing it alone. And I didn't actually say "I want to kill myself', just "I don't want to live anymore".. which means exactly that. Like if a bus ran me over I wouldn't be disturbed by that. And no I'm not religious.
I'm not on meds, but I wish I was..
I would actually enjoy that, the driving range.. Never been..
I agree with you, and would advise that to someone else in a minute.. but I'm very stubborn and a part of me thinks either, "I can do this alone, it's fine" or "I'd rather just die than go through the steps to getting help". So my brain is sort of screwed up.
This part sounds exactly like my situation:
Things got worse as time went on, I went from not wanting friends to genuine dislike of people. People are insincere backstabbing liars. I hate them all. So many people at work would be nice to someone, then soon as that person left they'd run them into the ground with gossip about how stupid they are. They all did it, even the managers. People are only out for their own benefit, if I am of no benefit they will move on to the next person. People were only my friend because I am easy to take advantage of.
And I have also been trouble sleeping, some nightmares sometimes. Maybe one day I'll do something about it, but right now.. I dunno..
If I can give YOU advice.. if you're 17, do all you can to fix it now.. Don't waste the next 5, 10, 20 years of your life. I know I wish now that I had done something when I was 17..
My dad always tells me I need to see the sun, since I barely do.. And sometimes I will go out in the day to the store or for a drive. But other than that, I don't know what to do outside? Maybe I need to grab my brother one day and go play ball.. If I ever really feel like doing that again.
Thanks.. I don't even remember the last time I had somebody 'sit with me'
Thanks for the idea lol
A strange thing happened the same day that I made this thread, but after I had slept for about 6 hours. I was sitting upstairs with my dad for a few minutes before I had to leave for work and he was saying how somebody was interesting in having me draw them something. I didn't show much interest, and he said, "I thought art was your PASSION?" I said it wasn't. He asked what my passion was, I said I didn't have one. He said to get one, to have something to work for. That I can't just "exist". It was just strange that he brought that stuff up right at that time, as if he had read my post or something.....
I just don't know what I'm going to do.. Is the bottom line I guess.