So yeah just a blog-ish thing.
It's hard to say what happened exactly but I don't remember feeling so depressed. I woke up yesterday feeling a little down. I made it to work and found that I didn't feel like talking to anyone. My mood ranged from anxious and bored to feeling like I was on the verge of tears.
My workmate seemed happy to see me and said "seems like I haven't seen you for ages". All I could think was "I don't want to talk to you, leave me alone" but I was polite.
One of the girls was in today which really upset me because I knew it was going to make my anxiety worse. I asked her how she was to ease the tension a bit and when she responded I could barely muster up an answer. I wasn't frozen with fear, I just emotionally couldn't fake an answer, especially not with her.
Later on during service I had to stay at the back of the kitchen. I couldn't handle being up front where everyone was. They might try to talk to me or might pay attention to me. The intensity of it felt like if moving to the front of kitchen was the same as moving on stage in front of a group of people.
I'm not sure if it's worth mentioning the suicidal thoughts because I've never taken suicide into consideration. They're still present though I guess.
I got home and went to bed, hoping I'd feel better this morning. It's the afternoon now, almost evening, and I haven't left my room. I have to rinse and wash my jackets, I need to clean my room, make tea, and fix the breaks on my car (take to mechanic). I was lucky enough to get a friday off work and I can't do anything.
I really don't want to leave my room now because my housemates are getting home, which means I'd have to talk to them. I can't think of anything I want to do less. I have some weed, but I don't feel like smoking. I may need it though.
I have a 12 hour shift tomorrow and I don't think I will be able to handle it. I'm going to break down. I'm already thinking of ways I can avoid people tomorrow. I drew the short straw though and I have to do the bbq this week and cook for the members and take their orders. This is going to kill me.
I'm not always like this, I usually enjoy being at work or at home. For some reason though I feel far too depressed to interact with people.
Fingers crossed for a better mood tomorrow morning. I hope to keep it together. I don't want to lose my job. I think my boss had his eye on me yesterday.