Man I'm really sorry in advance if I come off as being strange or if I sound ****ing stupid but I really need to vent a bit. I hope nobody minds.
I have ten months to completely get over my sa and depression. If I don't do it by then I will probably be homeless; I'm currently living with two of my siblings and my mother but as of next September they are all going their own separate ways without me.
I am not wanted or loved by my family. My siblings constantly make fun of me (both behind my back and to my face. The teasing got worse after I explained to them that I have SAD). My mother has always been emotionally distant from me, and she has attempted to abandon us several times (including one attempt a couple of months ago where she took our rent money but chose to stop paying the rent because she was trying to get us evicted and use that as an excuse to stay with her parents. It didn't work, so we're still stuck together).
I graduated from college in August with honours, but I have ****ed up every interview I have managed to get since my graduation (for jobs both related and unrelated to my field of choice), likely because of the amount of anxiety I showed during them. I lived with my boyfriend (while I was in college), but he will not let me stay with him now. He is literally the only friend that I have but he is sick of hearing me talk about this stuff. I really don't know what to do with myself. I think that he is secretly angry at me all the time.
I have seriously considered returning to college but the truth is is that I am very much afraid to because my last college experience is a huge part of what robbed me of my self-esteem. I spent my entire last year studying and wishing for death. I was regularly targeted and harassed by the other students, largely because I was one of the only females in the program. A lot of stuff happened to me while I was there but I could never find help... Sometimes I wish that I could have been born the other gender because I believe that I would have fit in better there if I was.
Anyway, that's it. I might regret writing this publicly when I calm down, I don't know. I just want to be a part of humanity, but I don't think that I can because I am not at all likable... I don't think that I can ever get what I actually need out of life. I'm really frustrated, and I thought that someone might relate. I don't know.