Hey everyone who posted on this Thread, I'm in the same boat as all of you. Hikikomo I did the same thing, searching that exact phrase even and found myself here.
The only difference with me and the poster, was that my childhood was completely normal. I have great loving parents and all that, but I've still never been able to 'connect' with anyone. Those that I do connect with I end up scaring away because I demand too much from them, or end up annoying them in some way. I used to try really hard when I was younger, changing my behaviours, trying to smile more etc, but everything just ended up the same, or worse. I can't figure out how most people find joy in things I find utterly boring, why there are things that are off limits to talk about, why social rules are so important. I never really understood any of that. Slowly I backed away from attempting to connect with people because the result was, and still is ALWAYS negative. I'm now at the point in my life where I've stopped even trying because I know how it will end up. I even turn away the people that try to reach out to me in some way, because I know that eventually I'll do something to break the connection, directly or indirectly, that's just what has always happened. Sometimes I wonder if I'm just too selfish, or if there was something in my life that made me this way, or if I've just never grown up, but for the most part I think I was just born like this.
All I've ever wanted was someone I could share my deepest and darkest secrets with, with out being judged. Someone that needed me as much as I need them, someone as unintentionally akward and anti-social as myself, imaginative, playful, who never got tired of talking to me, or has to 'deal' with my social inadequacies and immaturities. And all I really need is one, lifemate so to speak, but so far I've only found a bunch of empty promises and blandness.
I don't really have any real friends at the moment, just surface level people that I hang out with every once in a while if I have to, so if any of you want someone to talk with, if even just for a little bit, feel free to message me or email me
. I'm pretty open, and I don't judge. I'll talk about anything, I think everone needs someone to spill there guts too, it's good therapy.