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Old 11-20-2009, 12:29 AM   #1 (permalink)
 
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Unhappy I can't "connect" with people :(

As a child I went thru a lot which I have made a note of in my blogs/previous threads and had such a chaotic living environment for so long that I believe has really messed up my emotional/social response to other people. I feel so disconnected to everyone. I have had this apathetic feeling for a very long time now and I feel kinda bad for it. I don't feel emotions like I should or think in a set manner. Sometimes I'll get flashbacks of things that happened when I was a kid and then I feel all emotions flood at once, but mostly I'm just so numb and when I do feel like trying and being positive, "normal" people seem to sense that I'm "damaged" and leave me or get annoyed(or so that's how I see it). Makes me not even want to try anymore. It's almost like I don't feel human even...kinda like I'm not real. How do you push yourself to keep trying when it seems no one will give you a chance? I hate that it takes so much for me to do little things and I feel so proud of myself at first and then "normal" people don't see it as much of an accomplishment and I just fall back to square one. Makes me wonder what the point is. Sorry for the rant, I'm just extremely alone/lonely and it's in almost every possible way especially with the type of family I have and I'm a bit depressed right now so I need to let some out and I honestly have no idea what to do anymore. I really can't understand what's so horrible about me and why people wouldn't want to reach out to the hurt rather than adding onto their pain. I seriously believe my "issues" are beyond just SA. You guys ever try, like I mean give it your best shot to do something you fear due to your SA and still get shot down? If so, name an example please.
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Old 11-20-2009, 12:37 AM   #2 (permalink)
 
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I get that too, the emotion flood, which seems to happen from time to time, as well as the detachment, and not being able to connect to people. Seems like I'm living in my own little world. Every time I open up, I am embarrassed or ridiculed somehow (maybe my mind is playing tricks on me). So now I lock myself away from everyone, not really letting anyone get close. I tend to ignore things and move through places as fast as I can (going home from work for example). The end goal that things could be better seems to keep me going, that or work kinda distracts me from that thought.

"I hate that it takes so much for me to do little things and I feel so proud of myself at first and then "normal" people don't see it as much of an accomplishment and I just fall back to square one."


Yeah, like it's never enough, at least my "normal" standards, even though it took a lot for it to be done. For me its talking, I am feeling very negative, then I get the hope that things go well, but they rarely go as well as planned, so there's less incentive to keep going. Seems people are indifferent to me as well, although maybe this is a mind thing as well.

I don't know what I just wrote
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Old 11-20-2009, 06:27 AM   #3 (permalink)
 
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I get that too, the emotion flood, which seems to happen from time to time, as well as the detachment, and not being able to connect to people. Seems like I'm living in my own little world. Every time I open up, I am embarrassed or ridiculed somehow (maybe my mind is playing tricks on me). So now I lock myself away from everyone, not really letting anyone get close. I tend to ignore things and move through places as fast as I can (going home from work for example). The end goal that things could be better seems to keep me going, that or work kinda distracts me from that thought.

"I hate that it takes so much for me to do little things and I feel so proud of myself at first and then "normal" people don't see it as much of an accomplishment and I just fall back to square one."


Yeah, like it's never enough, at least my "normal" standards, even though it took a lot for it to be done. For me its talking, I am feeling very negative, then I get the hope that things go well, but they rarely go as well as planned, so there's less incentive to keep going. Seems people are indifferent to me as well, although maybe this is a mind thing as well.

I don't know what I just wrote
we shouldn't wait for other's approval i mean WHO ARE THEY? they are worthless, insecure, we just want their approval cuz they are majority, this HAS to change, we should form a 2.0 version of society
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Old 11-20-2009, 02:07 PM   #4 (permalink)
 
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i think my childhood has affected me beyond SA also. i went through cbt and it did allow me to push through all these fears, but i still couldn't relate to normal people. i could actually get them to like me, but i still felt all empty. so i thought, screw that, i'll just try to get along with other weird people. but the type of people i liked, quiet introverts, were hard to find before the internet. the person i wound up relating to the most was a suicidal heroin addict.

anyway, i'm doing psychodynamic therapy now to try to understand wth is going on. my childhood wasn't as bad as yours in an overt way, but there was a lot of weird stuff going on that really affected me. there was a huge need to disown my own emotions to survive, which i think has screwed me up the most. both just in existence and also in being able to relate to normal people. i'm better at relating to other screwed up people now though, mostly thanks to the internet, so i at least feel less alone. but i still have a lot of work to do. i wish i had done more therapy when i was younger though, instead of thinking i could do it all on my own.

anyway, i don't think normal people can relate to someone with emotional problems - it's just outside of their experience. they don't know how to react, or what the person even needs. their response is to just run away.
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Old 11-20-2009, 02:19 PM   #5 (permalink)
 
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I feel so disconnected to everyone. I have had this apathetic feeling for a very long time now and I feel kinda bad for it. I don't feel emotions like I should or think in a set manner..... I hate that it takes so much for me to do little things and I feel so proud of myself at first and then "normal" people don't see it as much of an accomplishment and I just fall back to square one. Makes me wonder what the point is..

I know exactly what you're talking about. I've slowly come to accept the fact that I'll never be considered normal, and that I'm a social reject. It doesn't bother me as much now, but I still often wonder about what could have been. The only thing I find solace in is focusing on improving my own life while disregarding the opinions of others, and cherishing the few relationships I have. Thankfully, it takes very little social contact for me to be content.
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Old 11-20-2009, 08:23 PM   #6 (permalink)
 
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It's definitely hard to connect to people. Even lately friends I've had for years, I just don't feel so connected. I have a great relationship with my husband though. But with most people, I'll never be personable and easygoing. I know I come across as private and cold and whatever. But trying to act any other way is just fake.
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Old 11-20-2009, 08:38 PM   #7 (permalink)
 
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3 out of 5 of my immediate family members have some type of mental disorder so I kind of understand how it is to grow up in an environment that influences your personality, I sometimes feel like a sociopath cause I lack interest for most peoples trivial chatter that seems to interest "normal" people, just some time ago when someone asked me, "How are you?" I answered: "my dog died yesterday, my apartment was burned down, I got fired from work, my car was stolen, my gf is somehow pregnant (miraculous conception?...hallelujah my brother!) and I feel a lump in my crotch but am too afraid to get tested...enough about me though, how are you?"...needles to say it scared the person away :S lol
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Old 11-20-2009, 10:04 PM   #8 (permalink)
 
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Everyone runs away! That's what I was trying to get at when I wrote this, but I don't think I relayed it the best way. Had a lot going thru my mind at once. Stupid night depression/anxiety. Anyway, yeah, either they're running away or it just seems that way to me due to my screwed up perseption. I have heard you see the world thru your experiences...the world looks quite dull and miserable to me. I feel so awkward and have no idea what I'm doing with people. I can force myself to face the fears of SA pretty easily, as easy as can be having SA, but it never does much cus I still have all the other issues peeking thru and I know other people can see them. They're quite obvious no matter how hard I try. I want something deeper than "hey, the weather's nice today, bye", but it doesn't seem other people want that for the most part. I'm a deep person and a lot of things most people take for granted really matter to me. It seems people my age have their 'cliques' and are out for "fun" and "the moment"....I can't look at those things, they're not deep enough for me, so I don't fit. Then people get tired and leave. Not to mention that I am so awkward/depressed I come off as hard or cold-hearted almost always even if I don't mean to. I have such a thick shell and I am really tired of trying to break it when others don't seem to care I'm inside of it screaming for help from the outside. I don't wanna stay like this, but I don't see how I'm gonna make it out. There's so much to work thru and I can't afford meds or therapy or find people who care that I'm in pain. Maybe they just can't see it, but I feel it's so obvious.
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Old 11-21-2009, 05:39 AM   #9 (permalink)
 
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I understand some of your frustration, illlaymedown. If my problem was just social anxiety, I would be so happy. I was raised in a family where people did not share their feelings and were very distant from each other. I never learned to open up to other people, and this has badly affected my life. I never realized how closed off I was to other people until my psychologist told me during a session: "I really wish you would open up." I was stunned because I thought I had shared so much!

I can deal with social anxiety. As uncomfortable and anxious as I am, I can still pick up a telephone, greet people, etc. But when it comes to connecting with people beyond these initial greetings, then I am lost. The entire friendship/relationship thing is a mystery to me. I see people making friends, hanging out, etc. and I just can't comprehend how they can do all of that without even thinking about it. It happens so naturally for them, but it is so impossible for me. It seems like I try so hard, but I am still friendless and alone. Should it really be this difficult trying to make friends? It's just so exhausting that I have pretty much given up.

I think that people like us don't give off the right signals to other people, and they automatically assume that we are not open to relationships. We unknowingly make other people reject us. I have yet to solve this riddle...
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Old 11-21-2009, 06:25 AM   #10 (permalink)
 
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Illaymedown -

I've spoken to you a few times and you actually struck me as a composed and pleasant individual.

The reason I say this is to assure you that (in my opinion anyway) you don't automatically come across as "broken" or anything like.
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Old 11-21-2009, 10:00 PM   #11 (permalink)
 
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@solitarian: That's exactly what I mean. It hurts the most when you ARE trying and sticking yourself out there and then people just disappear. It's like a smack in the face. I mean, I know I can be hard to understand cus normally people aren't viewing life with the view point I have since they haven't dealt with it, but would it kill people to have some humanity and patience cus the majority who know me know I have issues from a very bad childhood and I deal with depression yet it seems to not matter. Some know about the SA, yet still I am isolated and set apart from their groups. My mind is always so freaking clouded and I have absolutely NO idea how to compose my thoughts in order to act in a rational "normal" way. It'd be so nice to meet one person who just "got" it, but I guess I'm somewhat of an anomally...sadly.
@ironhear: Thank you, but my SA/depression and the way other people act towards me makes me think otherwise. My parents rejected me time and time again...I guess I just have a hard time getting rid of that mindset of rejection therefore people sense my pain as something else, maybe something cold or whatnot and they do what I feared in the first place...reject me.
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Old 11-21-2009, 11:07 PM   #12 (permalink)
 
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@Illaymedown because I can relate to your situation so much I can not give you an clear answer because its something I don't quite understand myself. You put yourself out there hoping that this person you strike up a conversation with will become a good friend and see you for the good person you are. If given a chance to prove it to them. But you never really reach that point because their gone in an instance. Leaving you stuck sitting there thinking about what you could have possibly done wrong.

But like someone else has said maybe its time to stop thinking about them and their opinions of you because let's face it they didn't stick around long enough to find out how good of a friend you could have been, they are the ones who are truely missing out. Focus on yourself. Enjoy the person you are and just take the time to appreciate yourself for the person you've become. Keep a journal, read a book, and connect with the person you are. You said that you had a difficult childhood which means you are a strong individual. Who doesn't give up on herself. What I have learned is that you did not have a choice when it came to your childhood. You were told when to sleep, eat, and have fun, do homework etc. But as an adult you have many choices. And the decisions you make starts right now. Its kind of freeing that way.

And who knows maybe knowing how it feels like to be rejected will put you in a situation where you can help others who have been rejected.
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Old 11-22-2009, 06:38 AM   #13 (permalink)
 
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Speaking of apathy.. I just typed out a paragraph in response and deleted it because it wasnt worth the effort to finish. Ill just say this.. I can relate.
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Old 11-22-2009, 10:43 PM   #14 (permalink)
 
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@ironhear: Thank you, but my SA/depression and the way other people act towards me makes me think otherwise. My parents rejected me time and time again...I guess I just have a hard time getting rid of that mindset of rejection therefore people sense my pain as something else, maybe something cold or whatnot and they do what I feared in the first place...reject me.
Although it's not wise to assume too much about anyone untill you've walked a mile in their shoes, I can relate to some aspects of what you are saying.

My solution to the fear of rejection has been to place stingent limits on the frequency and depth of my involvment with others. I've done this for so long that I don't think I could make friends with anyone even if I wanted to. My mind has this knack of distorting even the kindest of sentiments into adversity.

This has all happened because I am pathologically afraid of taking risks especially the one that involve entrusting others with my confidence.

Unfortunately, time stands still for no man and lately, I am begining to profoundly regret allowing this problem to consume my youth. My looks are on the wane, my job prospects are dire and my mental heath is fragile at best.

In hindsight it was my fear of rejection (rather than being rejected) that brought most of this about.

None of this means that I can't turn things around, but I know that I would have been a darn sight happier if I had dealt with my fears at a MUCH earlier stage in my adult life.

That's about all I can really say.
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Old 11-23-2009, 12:36 AM   #15 (permalink)
 
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@Emerald: I have a journal and I kinda get lazy with it due to manu reasons; apathy, boredom, preocupation, procrastination etc...it's pages are mostly filled with the same thing and I usually only write when I feel something interesting has happened or such, but I write more often than most I assume. I love the person I am. I think I am an amazing human being especially turning out the way I did with what I had to face. Unfortunately my issue lies in not getting a chance to show who that person is to other people due to my numerous "issues" or my perceived interpretation of what others are thinking/doing whether it is true or not. I feel I've been kept to myself long enough and I just want more than that. Currently I have little choice as well as I did as a child due to the family I have and the situation which would take a bit to explain. I do manage to make it by the words you stated lastly though...by the fact that my pain will be useful to others who share that pain.
@ironheart: Thanks for sharing Sometimes I feel like I've already lived out the majority of my life and kinda think of my age as meaningless even though it's considered to be "young" I hear. I guess my frustration really lies in the trying and then constantly getting less than you give. It's just a big shot to your hope that things will change, but I am doing slightly better than when I OPed this if it helps. Sometimes so much is on my mind at once it forms this vacuum of confusion and swirling thoughts and I feel like that's when I do/say stupid things and push others away the most. I think it (this structure of constant nagging thoughts) is a by-product of my chaotic upbringing....and frankly, it just sucks. I'm not ready to quit though, don't think quit is something I know how to do
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Old 08-01-2011, 06:42 AM   #16 (permalink)
 
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hi i cant connect with anyone either ,no one understands me , no one thinks im normal , i pretty much have isolated myself from just about everyone . Except my cats , all 4 of my cats they stay with me sleep in my bed with me ,when i cry they come sit with me , id rather talk to my cats all day , than deal with anyone else . Ive lost too many important people close to me , I attract the wrong people , weird evil nasty freaks that im too scared to let anyone else in incase , its another one , cause im so fked up i cant even tell anymore whose who . My dad was an evil twisted fk , so thats all i know i guess . I dont like men , yet i cant even have i connection with a women friend either . The pain gets so bad i wonder why im still left here , for what purpose , is this hell cause it sure feels like it , now my daughter is attracting the same weird twisted guys that i did , i tell her n it makes her run to him even more , what do u do when u dont have anything left , i rarely cry , and am numb alot of the time till it all hits me , n i break down . how many times can u build up the motivation to dig ya self out of a hole , when theres always someone at t he top kicking u back down again , i bet i live a long time , its obviously punishment for something , i guess i better start breeding cats........
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Old 01-07-2012, 09:40 PM   #17 (permalink)
 
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I know this thread was started over 2 years ago, but I've been experiencing this as well and I have no idea how to overcome it. I randomly googled "I can't connect with anyone" and this was one of the top results, and since I've posted on this forum before I thought I'd add a reply. Although I'm not sure I can actually offer any help or advice since I'm going through much the same thing...

I've had real, meaningful and deep connections in the past, both with friends and in serious romantic relationships, but those have all since ended and in order to have any connections at all I've got to meet entirely new people and form entirely new bonds. I've got to start from scratch, basically. Social anxiety makes the process of talking to and meeting new people extremely difficult, but not impossible. What DOES seem impossible, however, is actually feeling any sort of connection with anyone new anymore. Even if I force myself to "get out there" and if I jump over all the hurdles and manage all the symptoms of the anxiety and make it through all of that and actually succeed in making conversation, the fact remains that there's just no feeling behind any of it. I don't feel connected with the person at all; it's all an act. I can't really feel anything meaningful towards them. And yes, I've made many attempts with many different people...different kinds of people, different ages etc, and I don't just try once, not feel anything, and immediately give up as a result. I'll keep talking to the person to see if anything develops or builds but it never does.

In stark contrast, I cared extremely deeply for the people in my past who I connected with and still do care very deeply for many of them even though they're no longer in my life and are entirely different people now. In fact, I'm pretty sure I care way too much about some of them. "Caring too much" has always been the demise of my relationships, and I'm always heartbroken when they leave. So I know that I'm more than capable of human connection and really, truly caring for someone else and yet I seem to no longer have that ability with anyone new I meet. This isn't just recently, either, this has been going on for about 2 solid years now. Every new person I've talked to in that time, every potential new friend, every potential new relationship, has meant little to nothing to me, as horrible as that sounds.

And I don't know what's wrong or how to fix it. How do you cure something like this?
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Old 02-08-2012, 07:31 PM   #18 (permalink)
 
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Hey everyone who posted on this Thread, I'm in the same boat as all of you. Hikikomo I did the same thing, searching that exact phrase even and found myself here.

The only difference with me and the poster, was that my childhood was completely normal. I have great loving parents and all that, but I've still never been able to 'connect' with anyone. Those that I do connect with I end up scaring away because I demand too much from them, or end up annoying them in some way. I used to try really hard when I was younger, changing my behaviours, trying to smile more etc, but everything just ended up the same, or worse. I can't figure out how most people find joy in things I find utterly boring, why there are things that are off limits to talk about, why social rules are so important. I never really understood any of that. Slowly I backed away from attempting to connect with people because the result was, and still is ALWAYS negative. I'm now at the point in my life where I've stopped even trying because I know how it will end up. I even turn away the people that try to reach out to me in some way, because I know that eventually I'll do something to break the connection, directly or indirectly, that's just what has always happened. Sometimes I wonder if I'm just too selfish, or if there was something in my life that made me this way, or if I've just never grown up, but for the most part I think I was just born like this.

All I've ever wanted was someone I could share my deepest and darkest secrets with, with out being judged. Someone that needed me as much as I need them, someone as unintentionally akward and anti-social as myself, imaginative, playful, who never got tired of talking to me, or has to 'deal' with my social inadequacies and immaturities. And all I really need is one, lifemate so to speak, but so far I've only found a bunch of empty promises and blandness.

I don't really have any real friends at the moment, just surface level people that I hang out with every once in a while if I have to, so if any of you want someone to talk with, if even just for a little bit, feel free to message me or email me. I'm pretty open, and I don't judge. I'll talk about anything, I think everone needs someone to spill there guts too, it's good therapy.
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Old 09-05-2012, 09:48 PM   #19 (permalink)
 
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I don't think I've ever had any deep connections, just some shallow connections, but now I find it impossible to find even the slightest connection with anyone.

I also have extreme difficulty, beyond greetings, with both males and females just the same (I am straight), I just can't think of anything to say. It's like I get this rush of anxiety that clouds my entire thought process and I freeze up, so usually there is an akward silence until the other person starts talking again, or I say something just to get talking. But it really doesn't mean anything, it is just to try and remove the anxiety from the situation.

It is so ****ty to have to live life like this, honestly, it's always day-to-day and it never seems to get better. I thought "facing your fears" was supposed to make things more comfortable. Well, when the hell is the comfort going to "kick in"???
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Old 09-05-2012, 10:10 PM   #20 (permalink)
 
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I don't think I've ever had any deep connections, just some shallow connections, but now I find it impossible to find even the slightest connection with anyone.

I also have extreme difficulty, beyond greetings, with both males and females just the same (I am straight), I just can't think of anything to say. It's like I get this rush of anxiety that clouds my entire thought process and I freeze up, so usually there is an akward silence until the other person starts talking again, or I say something just to get talking. But it really doesn't mean anything, it is just to try and remove the anxiety from the situation.

It is so ****ty to have to live life like this, honestly, it's always day-to-day and it never seems to get better. I thought "facing your fears" was supposed to make things more comfortable. Well, when the hell is the comfort going to "kick in"???
Agree with this 100%. I mostly have shallow connections except for with my family and maybe 2 other people. I put myself out there with a girl last year. I had a huge crush on her, and I knew she had a boyfriend but I had to take a risk for once in my life. Needless to say it ended our friendship (which meant a lot to me) and now we don't speak anymore. It kind of reinforces why I don't do stuff like that
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