I cannot open up

[Conorix]

This is my first post and it comes after a fairly long heart to heart with my fiancee

I am a 25 year old engaged to an absolutely unbelievable girl. She is pretty much everything anybody could ever ask for, smart, beautiful and an absolutely wonderful girl. Basically, the problem is I can't open up to her. Recently she has caught me in a couple lies that stem from this inability to open up to her, and it has just devastated her. Right now she has me pretty well pinned: she loves me completely, but I do not love her all the way, I keep her just far enough away that if she leaves or something happens, I won't be hurt. She is 100% correct. The thing is, I don't want it to be this way. I have no idea how to open up. I do not often get to the point where I can even consider it, mostly I just run from it.

I have been to so many therapists, but mostly I just lie to them, or play games with them. I am too smart and too good a liar to really have any real progress with them unless I am in exactly the right mood at the right time (which is very rare to begin with). I understand that all (most) of my problems come from my brother having what should have been terminal (estimated 5% survival chance) cancer when he was four and I eight. My parents, for obvious reasons, were traveling around the country, and although I don't remember a whole lot about it, I'm sure this is where I learned to reject any feelings, for a fear of getting hurt. I don't blame them, they did all they could for their family. And they are great great people, who love me so much. But I think that at that point in my life, I decided that there was nothing worth getting attached to. Really, I have perfected this numbness over the course of my life. The only deep, real emotions I feel (besides the surface happy, frustrated, angry) are self loathing and self pity.


I love my fiancee, I do, just not all the way. And I want to, so so so badly. I simply do not know how. There have been maybe 10 times in my whole life I have even come close to opening up, and once was with her. She really was great about it, and happy that I did, but the next morning, it was back to the usual me. I am sick of being cynical, pre-emptively failing at everything, and do not want to screw up my relationship with lies and self loathing. Does anyone have any advice? Any good books, anything anything anything?

[bleach0]

Wow, that was a powerful, heartfelt post. I think you opened up to all of us with that post and that was brave.

Can I ask you this? What bad thing do you think will happen if you open yourself up, now in your 20's? Maybe not getting attached to anything served you when you were younger but it's getting in the way now. In other words, it seems like the lies and apathy helped you cope before, but now you're conflicted because you're finding out that they can also be a barrier to an important, meaningful relationship.

I don't think there's really a secret to opening up. It's scary and you will have to face your fear. You stop lying, you make yourself vulnerable by saying what you want to say and you basically show affection and form attachments. The worst thing that can happen is that your fiancee rejects you for who you truly are. It doesn't sound like she will though.

Maybe break down all of the bad scenarios that go through your mind and assign the likelihood of each of those bad things from happening. When I've done this, the fear is still pretty real but I have an idea about how big the risk is and then can balance that with the reward. In this case, your reward is worth facing your fear - she sounds like an incredible person.

[zooeyd]

i hope you know that you are very lucky to have found someone you love. most people can't even make as far as asking someone out.

you don't want to get hurt so you end up hiding your feelings from her but in a way you are already hurting yourself by doing that.

if you two have a connection she will understand. i'm not saying to pour out your feelings, just take very small steps.