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Old 03-04-2011, 11:36 PM   #1 (permalink)
 
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Default I am always rejected by guys

Hi all

I am a self-diagnosed lady with society anxiety, holding back to seek medical treatment as I am afraid of the stigma attached to the syndrome.

I never have a "proper" boyfriend or romantic interest from guys. I am getting old and attempted to find romantic partners through dating sites and dating events. I don't meet many guys in my line of work.

After years of meeting guys from dating sites or dating events, I realised theres always been a pattern to it:
(1) Hi-bye syndrome: Before the meet-up, they will actively contact me, after the meet-up, they will cease all contacts with me, sometimes, a very cold and reluctant hi for formality and courtesy. They have never made any genuine attempts to know me better after the meeting
(2) those who keep in touch with me basically treat me as a male buddy or a wall flower, someone for them to ***** about the ladies who rejected them or a confidant. They never see me in that romantic light and will never. they can just simply know a girl and immediately become interested in the girl.
(3) those who continued to ask me out for a date or two, but we never proceed further, they sort of fade away
(4) those whom i am interested in, but writes me off immediately when they dont even know me well. possible reasons i can think of is my unattractive physical appearances with a very boring personality and negative disposition.

This year marks my 7th year looking for a genuine boyfriend. I have confessed to 1-3 guys but usually they will reject me directly and very upfrontly, telling me that the rejection is permanent and they will never see me more than a friend. I havent really know some of them, and i thought it would be good if we can continue to date. However, before we know each other better, they literally gave me the boot for good. I don't know why, its like im so totally unacceptable that they would never consider me in their wildest dreams.. They simply just rejected me permanently at a very early "acquaintance stage".

In my desperate attempt, i tried to asked them for reasons behind the instant rejection. I received explanations ranging from no chemistry, can't click to different religion values. It can't be because this same of group of guys (before i know it) fall deeply in love with other girls..who aren't exactly perfect looking babes, but are beautiful in their eyes.

I have no other better reasoning but to blame it on my inferior looks. I went on a diet and exercise regime, lost some pounds and some male acquaintance commented that i am looking good. But however, as usual, the romantic interest will never be there....

I begin to feel very inferior and lousy about myself. Everyday, I am troubled by it. I tried to move on and widen my social circle, but the new male "acquaintance" will treat me in the same linear pattern again: know me, see me as a wallflower aka male buddy, doesn't want to know me better as an individual, confides in me about the girls he like..and volunteers readily to introduce me to his single friends. I have never been in any no-strings attached affairs or friends with benefits arrangements.

All in all, no matter what i do, behave, look or act, no guys would ever be interested in me. Once they meet or know me, they made a permanent decision that they would never consider/accept me as a dating/marriage partner.

I am so helpless, depressed and frustrated by my predicament that it has affected my work and social relationships. I fear being alone with people whom i don't know well..

I am very sad. I am in this rut for so long and every new friendship turns out to be the same. its like im cursed..im very depressed..what should i do?
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Old 03-04-2011, 11:43 PM   #2 (permalink)
 
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its like the guys i know don't respect me.

they often mocked at me and just use me to pass time. Some only asked me out as a backup plan or when they are bored and lonely. They tell it to me very directly that they are bored and needed a companion. Otherwise, they don't usually care about my feelings or how i am if i choose to cease all contacts with them..suddenly. they would never bother to contact me.

I am totally insignificant to the guys. they just "used" me to fill their time or ask me lame questions about girls.. One guy even told me, that if his male friend asked about us, i should only tell him that im a friend's friend, because all hell will break loose if he mistaken us as a dating couple. Why am i considered so lousy and unacceptable to all these guys?

I am not fat (overweight) or ugly and does not have any physical deformities. I look generally average and presentable. I remembered once i attended a social event, i overheard a guy telling someone that i am one of the girls he would definitely striked off . I was very upset because he hasn't even spoken to me yet and he is making the decision on the basis of looks. Its like once guys see me, they immediately strike me off without hesistation. I don't even look like shrek or the green hulk..

why? and they always seem to be interested in some other girls..some of whom are overweight..
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Old 03-04-2011, 11:50 PM   #3 (permalink)
 
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Maybe it's a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you constantly think to yourself that you're unattractive and no guy will ever show romantic interest in you, your outside behavior could reflect those thoughts. Your self-doubt could be affecting the way you act around men without even knowing it. This is normal though, because of course it's hard to be confident in these kinds of situations, maybe you should try thinking more positively about yourself.

Another thing is that maybe you're confessing to these guys too soon. If you guys are only at an acquaintance stage, they could be scared off by thinking you want a long-term relationship. As difficult as this is, you need to be patient. Also don't put all your eggs in one basket. As long as you're not tied to anyone yet, you're free to get to know as many guys as you want.

You should be proud of yourself for trying though. I'm sure a lot of people on this forum wouldn't dare go to dating events. I'm not sure how your SA is, but if you have friends or relatives they might be able to set you up with someone. Keep trying and don't give up! As long you're trying, there's still that chance. Once you give up, you'll be single for the rest of your life. Good luck
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Old 03-05-2011, 12:55 AM   #4 (permalink)
 
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Don't be too tough on yourself. It's harder in general for those of us with SA in the dating world.

In your posts you seem to focus a lot on the physical, but what about what's on the inside? You describe yourself as having a "boring personality and a negative disposition". If you already dress well and try to present yourself physically in a positive way, then the next step is to present your personality in a positive way too. People like to be around those that make them feel good, so maybe it would help to try and have a positive disposition rather than a negative one.

I don't think people need to be super exciting and witty James Bond types to win others over. My last therapist once told me that other people often remember the way we make them feel, rather than what we say to them. So I think the key to having a good personality is basically figuring out how to make people feel good just by being around you.

I hope you won't let rejection get you down. We've all been rejected at some point or another. It sucks, and I know how it can make you question everything about yourself. Unfortunately rejection is just part of the dating game. Sometimes we have to go through a lot of rejection before we find the right person.
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Old 03-05-2011, 01:17 AM   #5 (permalink)
 
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I honestly think the answer to these kinds of issues is just to love your self first.

Problem is no one tells you where the button is that you push and then you suddenly love yourself. Still looking for the button.
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Old 03-05-2011, 02:33 AM   #6 (permalink)
 
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I feel like that about women but hey SA is a killer for me getting to meet women frequently.
Dating sites have some success. I have no idea what a woman wants LOL.
I am only 5,4 but that doesnt bother me but sometimes I wonder if thats why then I just think ah well nowt I can do about my height...next! :-)
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Old 03-05-2011, 03:28 AM   #7 (permalink)
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rejectedlady View Post
...very boring personality and negative disposition.
I, the boring lord of negativity, sent you a friend request. I'd be interested in seeing if you can actually manage to be as boring and negative as I am. Is it possible there exists a female version of me?

Karl
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Old 03-05-2011, 04:09 AM   #8 (permalink)
 
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Speaking of SA, I really dont think your condition is THAT bad. Many SA sufferers dont even dare to go on a date, or meet a new person off the internet. Even normal people tend to keep to themselves while meeting strangers. So I doubt SA is the actual reason of rejection; it might have more to do with your facial expression - say,showing a sad face without realising it.

Try not to think too negatively and let those bad thought be reflected on your face. Look into the mirror,practice your smile and tell yourself how attractive you are. Do it every night before going to bed. It may sound silly, but this kinda psychological hint does help, in a gradual process.
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Old 03-05-2011, 04:16 AM   #9 (permalink)
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by UltraShy View Post
I, the boring lord of negativity, sent you a friend request. I'd be interested in seeing if you can actually manage to be as boring and negative as I am. Is it possible there exists a female version of me?

Karl
Well, the boring lord of negativity just made me burst out laughing.
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Old 03-05-2011, 05:05 AM   #10 (permalink)
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LifeGoesOn View Post
Maybe it's a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you constantly think to yourself that you're unattractive and no guy will ever show romantic interest in you, your outside behavior could reflect those thoughts. Your self-doubt could be affecting the way you act around men without even knowing it. This is normal though, because of course it's hard to be confident in these kinds of situations, maybe you should try thinking more positively about yourself.
While this is obviously true - your thoughts/attitude does determine a lot of the outcome - I want to be careful about saying it, because for the most part, there is a reason why people started thinking like that, and I feel it places the 'blame' (so to speak) on the person with the difficulties, rather than looking at what caused it and what would be a natural way to get the confidence back.

But as for actual suggestions, I'm pretty much drawing a blank :S
I know the situation very well from myself, so maybe I'm biased really, but I don't feel I have much great advice to give.
At least not more than the others in this thread have already said better than I could.

Hope it works out though..
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Old 03-05-2011, 05:26 AM   #11 (permalink)
 
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yes, these guys always said many mean things to hurt me..as if im not worth anything
my self-esteem and pride, self-respect.. is totally gone.. i think i have placed myself in such a position for them to trample on..
i would never do that again.
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Old 03-05-2011, 05:30 AM   #12 (permalink)
 
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Originally Posted by rejectedlady View Post
yes, these guys always said many mean things to hurt me..as if im not worth anything
my self-esteem and pride, self-respect.. is totally gone.. i think i have placed myself in such a position for them to trample on..
i would never do that again.
Those people suck.
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Old 03-05-2011, 05:39 AM   #13 (permalink)
 
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Originally Posted by rejectedlady View Post
yes, these guys always said many mean things to hurt me..as if im not worth anything
my self-esteem and pride, self-respect.. is totally gone.. i think i have placed myself in such a position for them to trample on..
i would never do that again.
Thats nasty!

If they are the ones who rejected you then whats so upsetting about it.
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Old 03-05-2011, 05:48 AM   #14 (permalink)
 
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For the record, girls always say mean stuff about me, too. And I only have the first two things you listed, I've never had a yes.

At least you've been on a date.
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Old 03-05-2011, 05:49 AM   #15 (permalink)
 
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Sorry I probly shouldnt have said that as I also felt really upset when some guys did this to me .

What I meant was dont waste your time on them, really not worth it.
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Old 03-05-2011, 06:06 AM   #16 (permalink)
 
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I get the feeling that some people in this thread are sort of blaming you for being rejected.. and while changing the way you present your personality to others will most likely help, be sure to forgive yourself and know that you're lovable! Be glad that you don't have to deal with the shallow guys who have so often rejected you. It sounds like you do what you can to improve your appearance, so the advice given above about making other people feel good was excellent - guys don't want to hang around depressing women, because most girls that are interested in them act bubbly and laugh at their jokes and such. Not saying you have to do that (ugh that ***** makes me sick), but do try to find a way to make things fun and be in a good mood when you go on a date. Since you know what they're interested in from dating sites, try to talk about that, it should be more interesting to them. Smiling definitely helps.

Now, you don't have to be someone you're not, just practice bringing out the positive elements of your personality - sweet, kind, intelligent, whatever it may be, and think of ways to show that. Don't worry, all the rejections you've had were just practice, and it says more about them than it does about you. The guy you meet who's right for you will be a really great one.
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Old 03-05-2011, 07:34 AM   #17 (permalink)
 
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Do you sound like Fran Drescher? Maybe that's it! Haha.
But seriously, since the rejection and hateful behavior keeps happening to you, logically, it's most likely something about what you say or how you present yourself causing it. It's probably not your inherit looks is what i'm saying, just how you carry yourself. Put a picture of yourself here and I'm guaranteeing someone will think you are pretty.
I really don't know what else to tell ya, ... Oh and don't take **** from people. If someone is mistreating you then you need to set them straight or tell them to F off. It's not healthy for you to let people walk over you like you have.
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Old 03-05-2011, 07:59 AM   #18 (permalink)
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rejectedlady View Post
Hi all

I am a self-diagnosed lady with society anxiety, holding back to seek medical treatment as I am afraid of the stigma attached to the syndrome.

I never have a "proper" boyfriend or romantic interest from guys. I am getting old and attempted to find romantic partners through dating sites and dating events. I don't meet many guys in my line of work.

After years of meeting guys from dating sites or dating events, I realised theres always been a pattern to it:
(1) Hi-bye syndrome: Before the meet-up, they will actively contact me, after the meet-up, they will cease all contacts with me, sometimes, a very cold and reluctant hi for formality and courtesy. They have never made any genuine attempts to know me better after the meeting
(2) those who keep in touch with me basically treat me as a male buddy or a wall flower, someone for them to ***** about the ladies who rejected them or a confidant. They never see me in that romantic light and will never. they can just simply know a girl and immediately become interested in the girl.
(3) those who continued to ask me out for a date or two, but we never proceed further, they sort of fade away
(4) those whom i am interested in, but writes me off immediately when they dont even know me well. possible reasons i can think of is my unattractive physical appearances with a very boring personality and negative disposition.

This year marks my 7th year looking for a genuine boyfriend. I have confessed to 1-3 guys but usually they will reject me directly and very upfrontly, telling me that the rejection is permanent and they will never see me more than a friend. I havent really know some of them, and i thought it would be good if we can continue to date. However, before we know each other better, they literally gave me the boot for good. I don't know why, its like im so totally unacceptable that they would never consider me in their wildest dreams.. They simply just rejected me permanently at a very early "acquaintance stage".

In my desperate attempt, i tried to asked them for reasons behind the instant rejection. I received explanations ranging from no chemistry, can't click to different religion values. It can't be because this same of group of guys (before i know it) fall deeply in love with other girls..who aren't exactly perfect looking babes, but are beautiful in their eyes.

I have no other better reasoning but to blame it on my inferior looks. I went on a diet and exercise regime, lost some pounds and some male acquaintance commented that i am looking good. But however, as usual, the romantic interest will never be there....

I begin to feel very inferior and lousy about myself. Everyday, I am troubled by it. I tried to move on and widen my social circle, but the new male "acquaintance" will treat me in the same linear pattern again: know me, see me as a wallflower aka male buddy, doesn't want to know me better as an individual, confides in me about the girls he like..and volunteers readily to introduce me to his single friends. I have never been in any no-strings attached affairs or friends with benefits arrangements.

All in all, no matter what i do, behave, look or act, no guys would ever be interested in me. Once they meet or know me, they made a permanent decision that they would never consider/accept me as a dating/marriage partner.

I am so helpless, depressed and frustrated by my predicament that it has affected my work and social relationships. I fear being alone with people whom i don't know well..

I am very sad. I am in this rut for so long and every new friendship turns out to be the same. its like im cursed..im very depressed..what should i do?
Hello. You mention you meet these guys at dating events and dating websites. In my opinion not the best places to meet quality guys. Instead of letting the relationship form naturally there is an expectation that you will be romantically attracted to each other, right off the bat. Too much pressure. Also, what do you look like? Do you take care of your looks? This can make a difference. What kinds of guys are you meeting? Are they young, immature types? Are they older professionals? This makes a difference too. Like others have said, if you feel inferior and lousy about yourself, that will not help you meet quality men. Are there areas of yourself you feel the need to "work on" in order to meet guys?
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Old 03-05-2011, 08:19 AM   #19 (permalink)
 
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^ Oh my. Someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed.

Of course we're all responsible for our own actions, but that doesn't mean you're a bad person if you fail... if you can keep learning and improving your situation, you're doing better than most people. And blaming yourself will definitely make things worse, it's some form of that that got us low self esteem in the first place.
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Old 03-05-2011, 08:37 AM   #20 (permalink)
 
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I really want to reply to this and say something really positive that will inspire you, but I personally know how tough this is and I'm still working on being able to do this for myself. Although I'm not ready to date yet, I need to have a better relationship with myself. But I think it really comes down to self-confidence. I'm sure you under-appreciate your looks, as many of us with SA do. Unfortunately, there are a lot of guys that won't understand your situation, and it seems those are the only types you've been able to meet so far. But stay hopeful that you will. Its so easy to become bitter or cynical because of disappointments in the past. But I really genuinely believe once you love yourself you will attract someone worthwhile. Maybe take a break from trying to find someone, and just work being happy with who you are. It seems like people always meet that person when they aren't looking.

I've read on here a few times about people starting an SA dating site, and I'm really starting to believe that might be a good idea!
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