Shauna, from personal experience, I have found that changing oneself and learning to live positively takes a great deal of time and effort. Not to mention a tremendous amount of patience with yourself. No matter how much effort you put into thinking positively, youíre not going to change overnight. I donít mean to discourage you by saying this, but changing oneself is very difficult indeed. It may be one of the hardest things you ever do. And so, youíve got to give yourself credit for taking on this tremendous task and feel good about the steps youíve made, no matter how small they may be.
Sometimes we go through a faze where we batter our minds with all the same old Ďpositiveí thoughts over and over again and expect ourselves to change. And when nothing happens, we get frustrated. What we donít realize is that though our positive thoughts may have worked at one point, they wonít necessarily work forever. And if you have
found that they donít work, then theyíre not positive anymore. You need to re-examine your negative thoughts and try to come up with new positive ways of thinking. And, as time goes on, you need to keep re-adjusting that thinking. If you have trouble doing that, try asking a therapist or close friend for help or buy some self-help books. Youíre not alone. There are plenty of great resources and people out there willing to help.
And about your brother and peopleís dissatisfaction with you: There will always be people who expect will things of you--who will want you to be this and that way. Itís terrible, I know, but there will always be people who will be dissatisfied with who you are or who will just plain hate you, no matter how wonderful and lovable you may become as a person. The only way to truly be happy with yourself is to start focusing inward.
And as for you being a ďvery anti-social, angry, bitter person,Ē... even if that is
how you are, can you accept that that is where you are right now? Because although other people may not like it, itís okay for you to be that way for now. Because the impression I got out of your post is that you're doing the best you can; you've just got some tough obstacles in your way. And as long as you are doing your best to move forward, as long as you are moving positively toward healing and growth, you canít expect any more of yourself. You will
change, you will
grow, you just need to give yourself the time and room to do it.