Recently I've been making significant progress with my SA, including working a job I'd never even consider years ago. I work part time in a kitchen with a lot of people and there's a lot of triggers for SA, especially my performance anxiety. I force myself to do it though and sometimes I even have conversations with coworkers. I can tell that people know something isn't right with me socially because I stumble over my words and blush but no one has really given me any trouble until an incident last night.
These two boys were sitting down and watching me dry trays. I looked up and they were looking at me and laughing. My performance anxiety is horrible, I hate when people watch me while I'm doing a task, so I got a little angry amd blurted "What's so funny?" They started laughing more and one of them said something but I couldn't hear so I said "what? I can't hear you" and then I heard him loud and clear say "well I said it loudly" with a huge attitude. I just kept drying the trays and they sat there the whole time watching me and laughing.
And I know they were making fun of me because I got stuck with one of them waiting for the elevator and when it came he wouldn't get on it with me.
I always thought he was nice and I'm scared they're gonna tell everyone how weird I am and I'll lose the one or two people I've met that I feel comfortable talking to
And I just feel embarrassed and I don't wanna face them again. I feel like I'm in high school again after I worked so hard to build up my confidence after years of being made fun of
I hate stupid people like these.
And if you are worried to "lose" the one or two people you are comfortable with .. well, if you "lose" them because of this, they probably were not worth finding anyway.
"Honor never grows old, and honor rejoices the heart of age. It does so because honor is, finally, about defending those noble and worthy things that deserve defending, even if it comes at a high cost. In our time, that may mean social disapproval, public scorn, hardship, persecution, or as always, even death itself.
The question remains: What is worth defending? What is worth dying for? What is worth living for?"
- William J. Bennett