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Old 06-06-2012, 08:56 PM   #1 (permalink)
 
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Default How do you gain self esteem/confidence when you have none to start with?

Here's the problem: I probably don't have SA anymore, but life still sucks. I don't worry about going out into public and looking like an idiot. I can go out to bars and not care what everyone else thinks of me. I really don't care anymore. But I still don't have the ability to communicate with anyone. It's become apparent that just putting yourself out there dosen't actually do anything. I'm still completely ignored by everyone. I convinced that it's because everyone can tell that I hate myself without even talking to me. It's the aura I give off. If I hate myself, why should anyone else like me? But I don't have the slightest idea how to change this attitude towards myself. I'm really trying to transform myself. I'm open to all suggestions.
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Old 06-06-2012, 08:59 PM   #2 (permalink)
 
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Fake it till you make it I guess.
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Old 06-06-2012, 08:59 PM   #3 (permalink)
 
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well.. i mean do things that make you happy im play video games alot when i was little and still do i can say i have self confidence from that because i believe i can beat any one i play against.. and if i loose ill try try again. do stuff that you like and you know your the best at thats all i can give you..
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Old 06-06-2012, 09:19 PM   #4 (permalink)
 
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Idk... This is my problem too
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Old 06-06-2012, 09:56 PM   #5 (permalink)
 
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There's no easy answer to that.I always wondered if people could see how much I dislike my self.I'm not sure they do or not.My personal belief is that people can tell just be your body language how you feel.You'r body language can really give you away. Of course there a lot of other factors involved in this but for me I think that plays a big part in it.

I suppose,just fake it and over time you can build it up,it never work for me though.
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Old 06-06-2012, 10:18 PM   #6 (permalink)
 
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They key if you don't have SA anymore is to work on improving yourself from the outside to the inside. Work on becoming comfortable with how you look, and grooming is especially important in building up confidence because when you look good, people generally give you positive feedback which in turn boosts your confidence levels.

Your physical and mental health are also important in that respect.

Another thing that is important in building self esteem is exposure therapy to different situations and different people. (And you already mentioned that you're doing this), but you lack the means of communication, you say you are ignored, refer to above on self grooming.

Honestly people will think there is some deeper answer to it than that, but for me, I had 0 self esteem 7 years ago and I worked on looking my best, and this did wonders for me in terms of relations with others. People treat you differently if you take care of yourself.

Good luck xx
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Old 06-06-2012, 10:37 PM   #7 (permalink)
 
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Originally Posted by calichick View Post
They key if you don't have SA anymore is to work on improving yourself from the outside to the inside. Work on becoming comfortable with how you look, and grooming is especially important in building up confidence because when you look good, people generally give you positive feedback which in turn boosts your confidence levels.

Your physical and mental health are also important in that respect.

Another thing that is important in building self esteem is exposure therapy to different situations and different people. (And you already mentioned that you're doing this), but you lack the means of communication, you say you are ignored, refer to above on self grooming.

Honestly people will think there is some deeper answer to it than that, but for me, I had 0 self esteem 7 years ago and I worked on looking my best, and this did wonders for me in terms of relations with others. People treat you differently if you take care of yourself.

Good luck xx
Thanks for the advice. I've kind of been going with the "mountain man" look lately; I haven't shaved in 2 weeks, haven't gotten a haircut in about 6 months, I'm always wearing plaid shirts lol. I'll try changing it up and see if my attitude changes at all.
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Old 06-06-2012, 10:44 PM   #8 (permalink)
 
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Thanks for the advice. I've kind of been going with the "mountain man" look lately; I haven't shaved in 2 weeks, haven't gotten a haircut in about 6 months, I'm always wearing plaid shirts lol. I'll try changing it up and see if my attitude changes at all.
You will definitely notice a difference...

I'm not trying to be superficial but I've known many guys who said the sole reason why they work out is to get female attention which really gives them the motivation to look their best.

I love seeing before and after transformations, it's amazing what hard work can do to your mind and body....................
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Old 06-06-2012, 11:29 PM   #9 (permalink)
 
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You will definitely notice a difference...

I'm not trying to be superficial but I've known many guys who said the sole reason why they work out is to get female attention which really gives them the motivation to look their best.

I love seeing before and after transformations, it's amazing what hard work can do to your mind and body....................
Speaking of which, I've actually lost 60 lbs. in about 3 months, but not one single person has commented on it yet, nor have I noticed any extra attention from the opposite sex yet. Now I know that I should be doing this only for myself, but it would be nice to be reassured that my hard work is paying off...
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Old 06-07-2012, 12:06 AM   #10 (permalink)
 
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Speaking of which, I've actually lost 60 lbs. in about 3 months, but not one single person has commented on it yet, nor have I noticed any extra attention from the opposite sex yet. Now I know that I should be doing this only for myself, but it would be nice to be reassured that my hard work is paying off...
Congrats!! But transformations take many steps to actually get there. By there, I mean to the place where girls start noticing you, whether it has to do with your skin or your weight or hair or your clothing and how you hold yourself with confidence as well, it's all a culmination of different factors which we take into consideration =)

Step by step!!
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Old 06-07-2012, 12:11 AM   #11 (permalink)
 
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I'm saying this out of concern. Because some of the advice here I see as detrimental to your mental health. Respecting yourself is okay. Believing that you are somehow broken, or unlovable, until you fix your appearance isn't okay. You could spend forever trying to mold yourself into a different person. And you'll still feel the same.

I hope that one day you learn to stop hating yourself.
I agree with this entirely.
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Old 06-07-2012, 12:42 AM   #12 (permalink)
 
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I wish I could give you a magical boost of self-esteem, at least until you find some of your own to tap off of. That is where a counselor or someone to talk to could help... they may give you the little push you need to start feeling better about yourself. Maybe you won't ever be "one of them" always looking-happy types, but you don't need to be. But you do need to be OK with yourself. It sounds like you've already made huge accomplishments and overcome some major fears along the way. I think you've got a lot to be proud of... and it's a journey. Keep going, one day at a time. Part of that includes accepting that you will have some bad days, but do not ever give up. You are also not alone... how many of us feel ignored and hurt? We get it and it sucks. It is one of our challenges.
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Old 06-07-2012, 12:55 AM   #13 (permalink)
 
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Hi there zzyzx. I really want to encourage you to speak with a therapist. There isn't a single clear-cut guide to improving self-esteem. But having a low self-esteem may be a clue that other things are going on right now. Depression, for instance. You'll need to have that addressed first. Especially if you have Anhedonia characteristics. You can't improve your self-esteem if you cannot feel pleasure through accomplishments anymore.

I'm saying this out of concern. Because some of the advice here I see as detrimental to your mental health. Respecting yourself is okay. Believing that you are somehow broken, or unlovable, until you fix your appearance isn't okay. You could spend forever trying to mold yourself into a different person. And you'll still feel the same.

I hope that one day you learn to stop hating yourself.
Thank you, greencarpet. I think you struck a nerve with this post. The last few months I've spent desperately trying to transform my life. Trying to kill of my old persona. I thought it would be simple. Lose weight, get yourself out there, and you will find her. But my pursuit for "happiness" has left me more depressed than I have ever been in my life. I really don't get pleasure from anything anymore. I feel dead inside. My motivation for change is pure hatred against myself, and the belief that the grass is greener on the other side. It hasn't been so far.
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Old 06-07-2012, 12:57 AM   #14 (permalink)
 
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Nothing can give you confidence except success. You can put yourself out there a hundred times but if you don't have success you won't go anywhere. I lol at ppl that think just putting yourself out there will make things better, more times than not it will just make things worst because you begin to realize where you stand socially and will fail many times.
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Old 06-07-2012, 07:51 AM   #15 (permalink)
 
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Thank you, greencarpet. I think you struck a nerve with this post. The last few months I've spent desperately trying to transform my life. Trying to kill of my old persona. I thought it would be simple. Lose weight, get yourself out there, and you will find her. But my pursuit for "happiness" has left me more depressed than I have ever been in my life. I really don't get pleasure from anything anymore. I feel dead inside. My motivation for change is pure hatred against myself, and the belief that the grass is greener on the other side. It hasn't been so far.
When you weren't out there, you had the benefit of believing it would be better if you were out there. Now that you're out there and that hypothesis hasn't proven true, you are understandably upset.

Maybe your level of depression has overriden your level of anxiety, not that the anxiety is gone. There was a time I felt like this, too. Like my emotions zeroed out I was so depressed and empty. I was no longer overly anxious, but I still wasn't happy. I lost a significant portion of my fear of interaction with others, fear of centipedes, and fear of heights. That reversed itself last fall. My anxiety is again outshining (ha) my depression and those fears have returned.
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