I have just discovered this website, and this forum, through a Google search. I'm glad that I'm not alone, in a way. I'm not the only person in the world with this problem. However, I'm not happy about the fact that others are also experiencing this type of thing. I suffer a lot whenever this happens to me, so I feel bad that others have suffered, and are still suffering.
I've never been truly happy, except for brief periods of my life, because of this problem. And, like smartpeoplethink22, I would like to know WHY some people can make a GAZILLION mistakes, and NEVER get yelled at, while others, like me, make one little mistake, and it gets turned into a Federal case. I have not yet found the answer to this.
My problem started way back -- in fourth grade, in fact. I was bullied by this kid named Tony. He used to throw pebbles at me, or come over to me and punch me on the arm. When I would the same back to him, he'd go running to the teacher, and the teacher would ALWAYS take his side. Then I would be sent to the principal's office, where the stupid principal once told me some stupid thing like, "You should smile more. Look at yourself in the mirror. You never smile." How the hell could I smile, when I was constantly being bullied, and the teacher was never on my side?
It's been like this my whole life.....In my first marriage, my husband was verbally and emotionally abusive to me, and came close to actually hitting me on two separate occasions. Nothing I ever did was right. He couldn't hold down a job, so I was the one who supported us, most of the time. I even supported a nephew of his who lived with us for SIX years, as well as a niece who lived with us for about two years. I finally was able to divorce him, but I don't what the F--- I ever saw in him in the first place.
Now I'm married for the second time, and today, TWO days away from Valentine's Day, my second husband SCREAMED at me, while we were going to the supermarket, just because I commented that he had taken a different route today, and we were running into traffic. Granted, he has a bad back, and he was in pain. He's on disability, too. But still, I think he overreacted. And the bad thing is, I was recently laid off from work, and I wanted to go do the grocery shopping with him, just to be with him. Well, he said that I was slowing him down, that he usually gets done much faster when he's by himself, because he needs to lie down in the afternoons, due the terrible pain in his back. So he told me that, from now on, he'll go do the grocery shopping by himself, as he was doing before I got laid off. (This was the third time I went with him.)
Now he's ruined my entire day.....I'm feeling miserable, and not talking to him.
The job I just got laid off from, it was the same story. I got yelled at there, too. AND I was also yelled at, as well as heavily criticized, in the FIVE previous jobs i was at.
Maybe it would have been better if I had never been born. That way, people wouldn't get so annoyed at me, and tell me, like my husband did today, that I was causing them aggravation. In fact, he even said I was going to give him a heart attack.
If I'm such an obstacle to people, then maybe I shouldn't exist at all. What the heck, what's the use of my being in the world, if people continually tell me that I'm aggravating them, or am committing such HORRIBLE mistakes? I think that meybe things will improve, but they don't. I'm not happy. I've never been happy.
My mother too, used to scream at me a lot. She would criticize me a lot, too. She didn't like my friends, the way I dressed, the mess in my room, what I was planning to study in college, my first boyfriend (she was right about him -- he was my first husband), the fact that I was "not a practical, realistic person", and on and on and on and on and on.....
I don't want to commit suicide, because that's wrong. Only God can decide how long a person lives, and when a person dies. But I wish He would just take me out of this world already..... I don't want to go on living like this. I want to be completely FREE from yelling and criticism. I am not free. I am not happy. Maybe one of these nights I'll just go to sleep, and never wake up. Then I won't be an obstacle to other people anymore. Then I won't be giving people near heart attacks anymore. Then I just won't BOTHER people anymore.