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Old 02-28-2010, 11:35 AM   #1 (permalink)
 
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Default "Friends" that ditch you when new friends come along

I don't post here much, but I've been feeling like I really have to rant about something and figured this was the best place to do it. I'm not really looking for any specific responses, it's just I feel I have to get this out of my system for my own good and I'm sure people here can identity with this sort of thing.

So I was "friends" (almost hesitate to use that word now) with this guy from school for more than a year (I'm in second year university now). We'd talk in school but also hang out outside of school sometimes. We spent quite a lot of time together and got along pretty well I thought, and I considered him a friend (not "best friends forever" or anything, but still more than just an aquaintance). This year he's made some new friends and now I basically don't even exist to him anymore. He's still in my classes and I still see him around campus, but he never sits with me in class anymore and 99% of the time if I pass him somewhere he doesn't say anything (either because he genuinely doesn't notice me or because he just pretends not to). In the rare cases I run into him where he can't pretend to not have noticed me (i.e. there aren't any other people around) he'll say hi or whatever, but I just don't feel like he genuinely wants to talk to me at all so I just give a short greeting and move on. It's not like he's angry with me, I mean he has no reason to be, it just seems like he doesn't really want to hang out with me anymore. Of the few times I tried talking to him in the last few months he only said a couple words to me and then went back to talking to his new friends. It doesn't help that his new friends never made any effort to really talk to me at all so I just feel really awkward when I'm around him and them and like I'm just really out of place.

I know I should just forget about this guy and move on with my life, but I'm having trouble letting go. I guess it's a mixture of sadness and just plain anger at this guy for just ditching me like that when we seemed to be pretty good friends for a while. But what other option do I have? I can't exactly go up to him and ask "why are you always avoiding me now?" Honestly I can't help but feel like what's the point of making friends at all if they'll just end up ditching you sooner or later for some reason or even for no reason at all. And then you wonder why the friendship ended, if it was something you did, blah blah blah, and you just overanalyze it and feel like crap afterwards.
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Old 02-28-2010, 12:56 PM   #2 (permalink)
 
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This happens to me all the time. It must be because "shy" people aren't as "exciting" as most others, so naturally someone will gravitate towards more "exciting" people.

You must let your friend know how you feel. Part of the reason you are feeling so tormented is that you haven't told him that you think you were ditched. If it does turn out that he wanted to ditch you, then the friendship is over and you may move on. But it also may turn out that he didn't realize that he was making you feel left out and then there is the chance to rekindle the relationship.
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Old 02-28-2010, 04:21 PM   #3 (permalink)
 
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I vaguely recall this happening to me the times I could attract people in the first place.

They would find others who could fulfill their need for attention and social status. Such people also require a lot more social stimulation and see having interests as largely a means to socialise. A couple of my ex's would show more interest in other people's company. Even though they were quiet, they deep down craved social status and attention and dropped my company at any opportunity. There are people out there who genuinely prefer those who are more reserved, quiet, etc., as I have been fortunate enough to discover on rare occasions.
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Old 02-28-2010, 05:16 PM   #4 (permalink)
 
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This happened to me recently. I'm a senior in hs and when I was a freshman I became pretty good friends with these two guys. As the years went on, they found more friends and now we barely talk. Now they prefer to sit with them during classes. I know it's my fault because I'm quiet and not as fun as the other people but it still hurts.
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Old 03-01-2010, 05:43 AM   #5 (permalink)
 
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This happened to me with all my "friends."
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Old 03-01-2010, 06:00 AM   #6 (permalink)
 
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Yes. A friend I had for years and years basically stopped bothering with me when she got in with a cool gang at college.
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Old 03-01-2010, 12:52 PM   #7 (permalink)
 
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You gotta find the right people, people who are like you. I did, or so I'm thinking, we all have a common interest. Oddly, finding someone who is in your situation can help the both of you.
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Old 03-01-2010, 03:24 PM   #8 (permalink)
 
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I used to take it personally when people would do this to me. I would know someone for years and then watch them break off contact without a care. I learned that many people are only around for temporary convenience. They won't go out of their way for you or anyone else. Your personal relationship with them is there because it doesn't require much from them.

Some other friendships are only about what they can get in return. There are a lot of social climbers and parasites out there. Not everyone is like is, or at least, not completely. Move on and find people who give you something back. You don't have to descend to that same level of uncaring. Just don't give more than you get.
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Old 03-01-2010, 06:18 PM   #9 (permalink)
 
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**** yea, happened to me for almost ALL MY FRIENDS (about 15+ friends), i think i lost them because of my SA starting to kick in and the peer pressure and all that drama in middle and high school.
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Old 03-01-2010, 11:30 PM   #10 (permalink)
 
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i don't think i've had very many friends except this kind.

I think usually what's happened for me goes like this:
I generally have a low number of friends, so these friends assume that i'll put up with more crap from them and will work harder to preserve the relationship than someone who has, well, a lot of other friends to choose from. Thus they put little into their relationship with me, forgetting to invite me places or forgetting to call me back, whether it's intentional or not (i like to hope it's not). They put a greater amount of effort into their relationship with their more social friend(s), trying to make themselves stand out in the crowd (of that person's friends), and the whole thing can sometimes have a sort of competitive feel to it. They get addicted to trying to win this person over, even if this person's attention is not worth competing for.
A few months pass, and gradually they aren't in contact with you any more. Two things generally result: they realize they haven't talked to you in a long time, feel embarrassed about it, and avoid you to avoid the awkwardness; or, they realize they haven't talked to you in a while, assume you were the one that initiated the break, and wonder stupidly what they did to piss you off so much.

each experience i've had has different surrounding circumstances, but this is one of the general patterns i've noticed, unfortunately. the only advice is to keep trying until you find a friend that gets you. or, at the very least, makes an effort to get you. i'm still looking for that good friend myself.
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Old 03-02-2010, 01:12 AM   #11 (permalink)
 
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It says more about him than you in how he didn't introduce you to his new friends.

I had this low self esteem issues in how people will ditch me for someone more exciting. I'm over it now because I simply don't care. I'd actually be happy for them for making more friends... they probably were in it bad for them.
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Old 03-02-2010, 01:38 AM   #12 (permalink)
 
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I feel your pain.

It happened to me in high school. We were best friends for four years and then at the end of freshman year she just stopped calling me and I always had to be the one to initiate our hangouts. Then one day I found what can only be called a diatribe that she wrote about me on her LiveJournal. It was all about how annoying I am/was -- it absolutely crushed me, I mean I considered this person to be my best friend/confidante and she went and wrote a bunch of cruel things about me on the internet. I confronted her about it and she apologized, but it still really hurt me and she continued to not call or want to hang out. Turns out she had started hanging out with a "cool" crowd of people and made a new best friend, leaving me with zero friends. That was an extremely ****ty time for me and it took a long while to get over.
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Old 03-02-2010, 07:15 AM   #13 (permalink)
 
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I actually had a long-time friend ask me to a movie the other day. I said I'd go, even though it wasn't a movie I was really interested in seeing, just because I thought it would be fun to hang out with my friend. After I agreed, she said, "Well, I was going to take Xxxx (another friend of hers), but she's been driving me nuts lately."

Gee, thanks for letting me know I'm your second choice.
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Old 03-04-2010, 06:20 PM   #14 (permalink)
 
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Thanks everyone for posting your experiences and opinions.

I really feel like I have to get over this. The problem is, like many of the people on these boards, I only have a couple friends, so losing one is probably a lot more devastating than it would be to more social people that have lots of friends. If I had plenty of friends, or at least a few good friends right now, I don't think this would be bothering me nearly as much. It also sucks that I basically see this guy pretty much every day and whenever I do it just brings out all those negative feelings. If I never had to see him again I'm sure I'd get over it sooner or later, but seeing him around campus pretty much every day just seems to reinforce all those negative emotions and I'm not sure how to deal with it.
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Old 03-04-2010, 10:23 PM   #15 (permalink)
 
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Maybe the way to deal with it and move on, since you're stuck with seeing him daily, is to seek some sort of recompense. I do not mean doing anything unethical, but perhaps do something a bit cheeky in a way he does not know it is you.
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Old 03-04-2010, 10:48 PM   #16 (permalink)
 
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it's happened to me plenty of times. i'm often torn between feeling hurt and feeling relieved. i figure that i'd get anxious around more people. if they cared enough to keep me as a friend and invite me places, i'd probably decline anyway. then i'd stop getting invited cuz i'd never go, which would lead to the same end result.

i have had slight luck in finding 2 people who seem shyer than "the norm" and befriending them by simply being nice. i find that we have more genuine personalities anyway and are more compassionate. may not work for everyone but it works for me.

either way you want to look at it, i'm sorry that had to happen to you. a bunch of us can obviously relate.
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Old 03-05-2010, 10:25 AM   #17 (permalink)
 
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I hate when that happens. I say just move on and ignore the guy. The same thing happens to me alot. I'm not a bad person or anything, but I guess I'm not really "fun" or "exciting" like other people, so I tend to get ignored or left out whenever there is someone like that around. It's worse when it's two people because I always end up being the third wheel. >_<

It sucks not being the talkative one, but yeah people are always like "People love someone who can listen rather than talk." But I never see that, being the "listener" results in being ignored amd left behind more times than the "talker".
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Old 03-05-2010, 05:03 PM   #18 (permalink)
 
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I basically typed 3 long paragraphs for this thread, but i erased it. Since it's just a huge rant. here's a summary : This issue makes me wanna explode , and punch someone's face until it's a bloody pulp.

HEre's an example. I have a friend that i talk to all da time in class and when we leave class, he quickly ditches me for someone else. It's freaking annoying, i have many "friends" that do this to me.
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Old 03-05-2010, 05:21 PM   #19 (permalink)
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by idk1 View Post
i don't think i've had very many friends except this kind.

I think usually what's happened for me goes like this:
I generally have a low number of friends, so these friends assume that i'll put up with more crap from them and will work harder to preserve the relationship than someone who has, well, a lot of other friends to choose from. Thus they put little into their relationship with me, forgetting to invite me places or forgetting to call me back, whether it's intentional or not (i like to hope it's not). They put a greater amount of effort into their relationship with their more social friend(s), trying to make themselves stand out in the crowd (of that person's friends), and the whole thing can sometimes have a sort of competitive feel to it. They get addicted to trying to win this person over, even if this person's attention is not worth competing for.
A few months pass, and gradually they aren't in contact with you any more. Two things generally result: they realize they haven't talked to you in a long time, feel embarrassed about it, and avoid you to avoid the awkwardness; or, they realize they haven't talked to you in a while, assume you were the one that initiated the break, and wonder stupidly what they did to piss you off so much.

each experience i've had has different surrounding circumstances, but this is one of the general patterns i've noticed, unfortunately. the only advice is to keep trying until you find a friend that gets you. or, at the very least, makes an effort to get you. i'm still looking for that good friend myself.
you've summed up my situation here. im 22 and this is still happening, and i never get used to it. I always end up feeling betrayed and bitter and it takes me a long time to 'recover'. However the only thing you and I can do in these situations is to move on. I find this impossible,- cos how can I move on? I have no one else to be frnds with and i feel i have cornered myself into lonliness.
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Old 03-05-2012, 06:23 PM   #20 (permalink)
 
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Unhappy

I feel exactly the same way.


I'm currently going through a tough time in my life where ALL of my so called friends are doing this to me...


It really stings especially since one of them has gone to the point of lying to me about it...

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