Focusing too Much on the Other Person

[Mae West]

Hello Everyone!
Do you focus too much on the other person's feelings and ego in a social interaction? I have found in my past that the emphasis was always on the other person. Giving them attention, being considerate about their feelings, building their ego. I'm sick of this behavior and I've been getting better with this lately. Also, I have also been giving the other person too much credit, giving them the benefit of the doubt too much and focusing too much on their "good points." The other person is usually not interested in building my ego, quite the opposite, and I get the shaft. People have taken advantage of this and I don't want to deal with this anymore. Anyone relate?

[MojoCrunch]

Very much. I hate it when people suddenly notice this and take advantage (and for some, use it to use you and screw you over). Makes me want to be less nice to people for fear of people thinking I'm a weak tool or something. The thing is, I am genuinely interested in looking towards the "good" in that person. Only for it to backfire at times.

[Kennnie]

yes i realized 1 thing people sure as **** likes to talk about themselves

[Mae West]

Thanks for the replies! I think beating this includes developing stronger boundaries with people. Anyone agree?

[Slogger]

I do that, too, and it's annoying because then I loose track of myself and can't mix my own viewpoints into the conversation.

I think there's a middle ground between yourself and others where the best socializing happens. Not all you (too self centered) and not all the other person (too patronizing), but a perfect balance between the two that gives birth to fresh, new ideas.

[MojoCrunch]

^^ I agree with you about the whole "balance" thing. Sometimes I either feel like the other person talks too much or I talk too much. I wish I could have that balance. I guess it's time to work on that and see what happens. But how DO you work on that exactly?

[Mae West]

Originally Posted by MojoCrunch

^^ I agree with you about the whole "balance" thing. Sometimes I either feel like the other person talks too much or I talk too much. I wish I could have that balance. I guess it's time to work on that and see what happens. But how DO you work on that exactly?

I think it comes down to the psychological health of the person. If someone is totally self-centered it will be hard for them to even understand the point of worrying about you in conversation. These people are a lost cause. I've tried to get people to understand when they were being totally self centered in conversation and it's never worked. They always just become very defensive. I find the most difficult problem for me was simply noticing that the other person is being completely self centered and literally sucking the life out of me.

[BKrakow]

yes to pretty much everything everyone has said haha. one thing I've noticed too is that, if someone I'm talking to says something "stupid"/incorrect/mispronounces a word, etc., I won't say anything about it because I don't want to make other people embarrassed. but then if I make a mistake, that same person will be the first one to point it out and make a big joke of it at my expense. I really can't stand stuff like that anymore.

any more tips on how to break these self-effacing habits? like especially if someone is babbling on and on about themselves until you feel like you could puke...how do you handle something like that? because I'm terrible at it lol.

[Slogger]

Originally Posted by MojoCrunch

^^ I agree with you about the whole "balance" thing. Sometimes I either feel like the other person talks too much or I talk too much. I wish I could have that balance. I guess it's time to work on that and see what happens. But how DO you work on that exactly?

One way is to watch your own thoughts and don't dwell on them too long, be they negative or positive. This also goes for the subtle mental effort you put into being polite, as Mae West described. Both types of effort can wear you out and make you want to avoid social situations.

I've been practicing just keeping my mind in the moment, watching out for that heavy, inflexible feeling I get when I start clinging to a particular thought. It really is about becoming more aware of your own reactions and taking charge from there.

[Mae West]

Originally Posted by bkitty1

yes to pretty much everything everyone has said haha. one thing I've noticed too is that, if someone I'm talking to says something "stupid"/incorrect/mispronounces a word, etc., I won't say anything about it because I don't want to make other people embarrassed. but then if I make a mistake, that same person will be the first one to point it out and make a big joke of it at my expense. I really can't stand stuff like that anymore.

any more tips on how to break these self-effacing habits? like especially if someone is babbling on and on about themselves until you feel like you could puke...how do you handle something like that? because I'm terrible at it lol.

I think you have to be totally conscious of the self-effacing behaviors while you are interacting with the person. If you don't focus on respecting yourself and asserting yourself you will go on autopilot and do the same behaviors you've always done. You have to tell yourself in your mind "be strong and stand up for yourself." If you are thinking that you are constantly standing up for yourself in social interactions you will be more attuned to situations and comments others make that might be disrespectful and trying to "take you down."

In the case of someone babbling on and on about themselves I would just interrupt them and start talking about myself or even point it out to them in a humorous way "you've been talking nonstop about yourself for like ten minutes now."

[JustWakeUp]

For sure I'm guilty of this. I do tend to focus on peoples better qualities, so it's always my fault if they feel patronized. So, I could never blame them for ignoring me.

[Mae West]

Originally Posted by lonely badger

For sure I'm guilty of this. I do tend to focus on peoples better qualities, so it's always my fault if they feel patronized. So, I could never blame them for ignoring me.

Focusing on other people's positive qualitites (and forgetting or dissmissing your own) is HUGE with SA. In my opinion one of the biggest contibuters to it.

[JustWakeUp]

I'm sure you're right, it's something I've done from a very young age. I have always seen the greatness in others, but never in myself.

[Mae West]

Originally Posted by lonely badger

I'm sure you're right, it's something I've done from a very young age. I have always seen the greatness in others, but never in myself.

Yeah and you know that "greatness" is usually not real. I've met some great people in my life. But people are just human and nobody deserves my praise and respect more than myself.

[Mae West]

Bump

[Rick189]

I seem to focus too much on myself, and trying to build my own ego. If i'm around someone i like i usually try and 'blend in' to make myself more like that person to get noticed. It's rediculous, i should be acting myself, instead i try and please other people.

[Mae West]

Originally Posted by Rick189

I seem to focus too much on myself, and trying to build my own ego. If i'm around someone i like i usually try and 'blend in' to make myself more like that person to get noticed. It's rediculous, i should be acting myself, instead i try and please other people.

But that sounds like the same thing as focusing on the other person. You are studying them so that you can create an acceptable persona (to them).