Feeling like I don't deserve companionship

[Qoder]

Lately I've been thinking of what I would actually do if I had friends or a girlfriend.

And... I can't think of anything. The more I try and come up with something, the more I feel like I'd be a bad friend/boyfriend.

I'm boring, I'm unattractive, I'm not funny or clever. I have no worth. I can't hold a conversation that's interesting, not even with people I'm comfortable with like my parents.

Why would someone bother being friends with a guy like me? Even if I magically overcame SA, I'd still be alone; and for good reason.

[Ohio Fatso]

I know what you mean. Relegated to a second rate life. Hell, that's probably being generous. Even welfare bums can mate. Not me though. They win.

[ironheart]

To the OP - if you had a girlfriend or friends, it would probably help stimulate dimensions of your character that you currently have no reason to utilise.

[sadfox]

i wonder what any woman would make of my messy house over 700 computer games over 300 vhs wrestling tapes 4 games consoles and no central heatingtorn couch etc so i guess im better off on my own

[Qoder]

Originally Posted by ironheart

To the OP - if you had a girlfriend or friends, it would probably help stimulate dimensions of your character that you currently have no reason to utilise.

I guess. But you'd think that with all this time spent alone without distractions from outsiders, I'd know a little more about myself. For me to suddenly become an interesting, worthwhile person because I'm stimulated by another person seems like wishful thinking to me.

[ironheart]

Originally Posted by Qoder

I guess. But you'd think that with all this time spent alone without distractions from outsiders, I'd know a little more about myself. For me to suddenly become an interesting, worthwhile person because I'm stimulated by another person seems like wishful thinking to me.

I don't imagine that there is any scenario that would result in a sudden and drastic change but spending time with others can (not in all cases mind) gradually help in stimulating the thought process.

Remember the human mind is a feedback orientated instrument, we need external input - be it social discourse, problem solving, studying etc - in order to fill our heads with ideas and experiences that make us more interesting to ourselves.

[GnR]

Originally Posted by Qoder

Lately I've been thinking of what I would actually do if I had friends or a girlfriend.

And... I can't think of anything. The more I try and come up with something, the more I feel like I'd be a bad friend/boyfriend.

I'm boring, I'm unattractive, I'm not funny or clever. I have no worth. I can't hold a conversation that's interesting, not even with people I'm comfortable with like my parents.

Why would someone bother being friends with a guy like me? Even if I magically overcame SA, I'd still be alone; and for good reason.

You obviously don't consider recovery to be a real possibility, but if you did overcome it, I believe your personality would be able to function again. My SA wasn't always so severe, and I was fortunate to have a good social life through high school and up untill a few months ago. Over the past two years, my SA has steadily become more and more intense, and inversely, the qualities of my personality have dwindled. My sense of humor and conversational abilities are almost completely unavalible to me. I honestly feel as though I have gotten less intelligent as well. But the fact is we have social anxiety. You say it yourself: you have no worth. You need to wrap your head around the idea of recovery/change, because once you find that self-worth, there is ZERO possibility of you being the same person. Think of an athlete with no confidence vs one who believe's he's the best player on the field. It doesn't matter what one's athletic capacities are, the instant he stops believing he has them, they CEASE TO EXIST. In that same way I am losing all the positive attributes of my personality, because like you, I have no worth as far as I'm concerned.

[hopena]

Originally Posted by ironheart

To the OP - if you had a girlfriend or friends, it would probably help stimulate dimensions of your character that you currently have no reason to utilise.

I've seen this happen with my sister, who met her boyfriend online, and jumped through all the hoops to get her SSI and whatever she needed, so that she could go and visit him, buy things that she needed to feel better about herself, etc... her boyfriend lives in Canada, in an area where she can take buses and trains to get wherever she needs to go, walk to the stores... I didn't think it was such a good idea in the beginning, to make so many changes over a man (in case the relationship didn't work out, and she just just stopped, associating it all with him), but I wasn't thinking further ahead. She's isn't a social butterfly, but it's been great for her.

To a certain extent, that happened for me as well, but I'd already made a certain amount of progress by myself.

And, now that I've typed all of that, I remember that there are members here who are in relationships or married, and it didn't help them so much.

[hopena]

Originally Posted by GnR

You obviously don't consider recovery to be a real possibility, but if you did overcome it, I believe your personality would be able to function again. My SA wasn't always so severe, and I was fortunate to have a good social life through high school and up untill a few months ago. Over the past two years, my SA has steadily become more and more intense, and inversely, the qualities of my personality have dwindled. My sense of humor and conversational abilities are almost completely unavalible to me. I honestly feel as though I have gotten less intelligent as well. But the fact is we have social anxiety. You say it yourself: you have no worth. You need to wrap your head around the idea of recovery/change, because once you find that self-worth, there is ZERO possibility of you being the same person. Think of an athlete with no confidence vs one who believe's he's the best player on the field. It doesn't matter what one's athletic capacities are, the instant he stops believing he has them, they CEASE TO EXIST. In that same way I am losing all the positive attributes of my personality, because like you, I have no worth as far as I'm concerned.

I was in a similar position (although I wish my self-confidence had lasted me throughout high school ). You would think those of us who haven't dealt with this from babyhood would have an edge in dealing with this; even as I've been improving, I still have trouble connecting myself inside, to the girl that I was.

I maintained a certain amount of optimism for years, when dealing with agoraphobia, extreme anxiety, and bouts of depression, but that could all disappear for a while, with one bad encounter/happening (and the chances of that were high, since my perceptions were/are so off at times, due to the anxiety). I had more confidence in my capabilities in certain things, when I was younger, and that's what kept me going - my artwork, the fact that I sold a little bit of it, and others liked my work (although, when family friends complimented me in any way, I thought they were just being nice for my parents' sake, so they wouldn't feel bad for having such an abnormal daughter. I didn't see my sister that way at all!). During that time when I sold some work, I was nineteen, and in the process of preparing for college. I lived in a small town where I could walk to the library, local stores... I'm trying to remember what happened to stop that progress, but it slammed to a halt and I was stuck for years. I remember about six months straight of anxiety attacks, in the morning, drawing most of the day (for my studies). We moved (yet again), but that wasn't necessarily it.

It's weird to have a certain amount of confidence in yourself in ways, and be totally derailed when push comes to shove, thanks to the negativity that's still buried in there. But I do see the above: when I have real confidence in myself in one way, it slowly edges into other areas of life. (Now I need to try not to kick myself, over letting myself down about eleven years ago...)

[iwannabecoolplzhelp]

there are plenty of boring chicks too. LOL. Another good place to meet women is homeless shelters. Most homeless shelters have more women than men believe it or not and some of them are a lot better looking than you might imagine. They'll be glad to move in *anywhere* just don't get too attached because many will go back to old bfs or something. It's best to get them from different towns so they won't run into low lifes from their past so easy.

Divorce support groups are also mostly women. Just fly in under the radar and pretend to want to help the homeless or be a divorced dad fighting for custody of a child and women will be on you like flies to dung.

[Socially Anxious]

Originally Posted by iwannabecoolplzhelp

Divorce support groups are also mostly women. Just fly in under the radar and pretend to want to help the homeless or be a divorced dad fighting for custody of a child and women will be on you like flies to dung.

That's being deceptive.